Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

Hmmm. He sounds a bit grumpy, but at 7, your DD is old enough to understand that if someone says no to cuddles/tickles then she needs to respect that.

It sounds like he doesn't like the fact your dd is your priority rather than him tbh and he is starting to find her an irritation. Be careful OP.

I dont think your being unreasonable, its always a tricky one being in a step parent role because he is obviously not his daughter.
The bond between him and her will not be the same as the bond between you and her. What you find cute, he may find annoying.

Saying that - he has chosen to be in a relationship with you knowing you have a child, my guess is that it is not quite how he visioned and is getting fustrated being around your DD.

I guess an honest conversation is needed, and a happy medium is needed to be found if you want it to work. If he is not a massively affectionate person (i am not either) then i can understand why he wouldnt want to be climbed on or tickled - so its important to respect other peoples boundaries and inform your DD why this hsouldnt happen.

She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her.*

You don't mind this, he does. Your daughter should be taught to respect other people.

Yeah I’d find this really annoying too.

Sorry OP, YABU by not teaching your daughter to respect when someone says no, that’s enough.

How long have you been living together?

Seems like he now feels comfortable enough to show his true feelings towards your daughter which is that he would prefer she wasn't there

He wants to be the centre of your attention and not share it with your child.

Please be aware that she may already be picking up on this tension and behaving to get more attention to try and reassure herself.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to worry that he's not good with your DD, but this - she doesn't listen when he tells her no is a bit of a red flag. Because she should be listening when he tells her no, at 7 she is old enough to understand boundaries and people are absolutely entitled not to be jumped on/tickled if they are not in the mood. Would she like to be jumped on and tickled after she'd said no she didn't want to play? Would you tolerate someone doing that to her? What do you do as a parent if he says no, and she doesn't listen?

Also, how do you know he is overreacting when he says she hurts him? Seven year olds aren't tiny or delicate things, they can certainly hurt someone by jumping on them. Sounds like you're possibly tolerating some behaviour from her which is a bit obnoxious and he feels stuck because you won't do anything about it. It shouldn't be hard to teach your daughter that your partner doesn't like to play that game so she can play it with mummy but not with him (but she can play other games with him - something they both enjoy ideally). Or at least to teach her to stop when he says he's had enough.

Echo other pp. whilst it might be delightful for you to have your dd clambering all over you, it might be annoying for your partner. Perhaps a gentle convo with dd about boundaries and personal space.

I wouldn’t particularly like a 7 year old that was not my own climbing on me either. And if you felt the need to remind me that I was once a child (which incidentally I had not forgotten), I am absolutely certain that I didn’t go climbing over adults without their tacit permission at age 7 either.

On the other hand, if I were him and I found somebody’s seven year old a handful, then I would recognise that the relationship was not one I should pursue.

Your DD sounds lovely and your DP sounds like a bit of a killjoy.

@LoganberryJam

Your DD sounds lovely and your DP sounds like a bit of a killjoy.

🙄

It isn't "lovely" when a child is poorly behaved and doesn't listen when being told no.

@LoganberryJam

Your DD sounds lovely and your DP sounds like a bit of a killjoy.

Do you enjoy other people's 7 yr olds jumping directly on you after you've told them not to?

Mmm, I do broadly agree that if he doesn't want to play a tickling game, then yes, your DD is old enough to know to stop. But what does he want instead? Because reading between the lines, he doesn't want to rechannel her energy and desire to play into a different game, but rather he wants her just to go away? And that's fair enough... except that she's your daughter and at that age they do still need a lot of attention.

Ditto, yes, sometimes, in the evenings, you can't be downstairs having a "cuddle" because you're dealing with a child. This is normal.

If he doesn't get that and really just wants her to be seen and not heard, or even not heard or not seen, then I'd be concerned.

How long has he lived with you? Feels like quite a short time for him to be moving in with you and your dd.

@HellToTheNope

She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her.*

You don't mind this, he does. Your daughter should be taught to respect other people.

agree. have you considered that maybe you spoil her. sounds like she is the centre of everything. you need to teach her to consider other people's feelings. you indulge her. and would have the same problem with any partner, or indeed friends of yours/hers as she grows. it's like learning a language, much easier to earn when young. put in the work now to make her a civilised, self-disciplined citizen. you don't want her to turn into someone like penelope out of the simpler life

How long do you end up having to lie with her until she falls asleep?
If I never got any time after work with my OH because they spent all evening upstairs, I think I’d be a bit annoyed too.

She needs to respect his boundaries, and learn to sleep alone.

She should stop when told no to tickles but teaching this takes time are you trying to teach be her this? If so can he be patient with that?

Got to be honest op, I'm dating at the moment and don't go near anyone with dc under 10. I have zero interest in being ticked by someone else's child in my down time.

She needs to learn about consent. No means no.

Yabu by 7 she should know to stop when someone tells her too. It’s certainly not cute or fun being tickled by anyone if you don’t want to be.

I voted YABU, my DD is 7 and likes to cuddle/tickle but she can get very rough even when playing and can hurt, this is not ok just because she was playing. Also by this age she should be learning to respect people's boundaries and if he says no then that means no, your DP shouldn't have to be forced to be tickled when he doesn't want to because your little precious wants to, it is his body and he has autonomy of it (this is also important for her to learn for herself).
How long do you have to lie with her for and how often? She really should have learned to self sooth by now. My DD has SEN and struggles to sleep at night she just plays in her room until she falls asleep, if I lay with her she would be awake even longer.
He probably does need to learn a bit more patience as that is paramount with kids, but you need to back him up occasionally.

how long has he lived with you?
you say "dd likes having him around" but how do you know that? Do you think your dd has a level of insecurity about your partner and this type of thing is attention seeking (i.e she wants your attention so she acts up to get attention from you)

Impossible to judge OP. Your daughter should definitely respect his wishes when he tells her no. I wouldn’t just expect all kids to be handfuls either. It’s true they all have their moments but if he’s asking her to stop something it should immediately stop. In another light, if you think he’s not treating your daughter right your relationship with her should trump the one you have with him. Sounds like she’s getting mixed messages from you both a little bit and you need to try to be on the same page for her sake as well as your relationships. Good luck.

Its a good thing that he wants a boundary around physical contact with her, at 7 you should be teaching her about the privacy of her body and other people's and how to respect that, do you want her to keep rough playing at him as she gets older, when do you draw the line? Its either uncomfortable, or irritating, or he is nervous of her body, thats all ok from his point of view, would be worrying if not.

Sounds like he moved in v quickly, even if you've know him for a long time. Being a bit of handful at 7, an adult man saying no thank you, get off me, I don't like it, so you would prefer it if she is allowed to carry on? Not appropriate.

my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful

Is he always saying “no”?
if he isn’t letting the poor child be a child in her own home she is going to be miserable!

Why has he moved in with you so quickly?