Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

It’s very different that they knew each other when he was just mummy’s friend to him moving in and having to play daddy.

I’m with your dp, your dd needs boundaries.

Your kid is 7, so no not normal child behaviour.
It’s fine for your DH to request that your DD plays more gently with him, if he feels like that. It’s a chance to teach your daughter body autonomy tbh.
It does sound like your DH is feeling frustrated. At 7, parents should have a chance to cuddle on the sofa. It can’t help that her sleep is that bad. It could be affecting her hyperactivity.

Sorry I missed the bit about him not being her dad. You sound like you’re trying to protect her from him when it doesn’t sound like she needs to be really. Mother knows best though.

@Gowithme

It sounds like he doesn't like the fact your dd is your priority rather than him tbh and he is starting to find her an irritation. Be careful OP.

This

At 7 she’s old enough to learn not to climb on and tickle people who say no, especially adult males she’s not related to. I can see why it makes him uncomfortable and he over reacts if you arnt teaching her to listen to people regarding personal space. He’s UR about the rest, if it’s not working now it’s only going to get worse as she gets older, not because of her, but because of him expecting to be the priority when he never can/should be. Sounds like you have a lot to think about.

I'm also with your DP, your daughter needs to learn boundaries and that no means no.

I can appreciate what a lot of you are saying regarding dd learning boundaries etc. On second thoughts, I agree that this isn’t ideal at her age.

I also think that he does find her irritating sometimes and this is worrying

I have two nieces that do this all the time and now I honestly dread seeing them. Not joking. Always climbing on me and digging in their fingernails and doing that horrible thing when their skin is slightly sweaty and so sticks to my leg and kills when they slide down. Specific I know but the last one is the one that makes me want to scream 😂😂😂 I know they don’t mean to hurt me at all and they’re just excited but it doesn’t matter, it’s still annoying and painful.

YABU it’s really really annoying when you’ve said no over and over again and the parent and child won’t listen

To be fair I wouldn’t want a 7 year old climbing over me and trying to tickle me, I hate being tickled

Yes he sounds grumpy but at 7 your daughter should be able to accept he doesn’t like the messing around and so dont do it to him

@Isabella83

I can appreciate what a lot of you are saying regarding dd learning boundaries etc. On second thoughts, I agree that this isn’t ideal at her age.

I also think that he does find her irritating sometimes and this is worrying

So? Do you never find her irritating?

Of course. But I can also see past the irritation and not let it change my relationship with her, whereas I worry that she is picking up on the tension he sometimes causes

I also think that he does find her irritating sometimes and this is worrying

Every 7 year old on planet earth is annoying sometimes. Especially when aren't taught to respect boundaries and proper behaviour.

Kindly OP, Perhaps there would less tension if you would teach your dd not to climb all over him

He doesn't have kids. You do. Put your daughter first. She is playing up to demonstrate that you are hers not his. She is insecure.

I am sure she is irritating sometimes, at nearly 7 you should not need to lie with her until she sleeps

@Isabella83

Of course. But I can also see past the irritation and not let it change my relationship with her, whereas I worry that she is picking up on the tension he sometimes causes

You’re eager to blame him, making it seem that your daughter is the victim.

She jumps over people when they ask her not to. It’s simple, stop her from jumping on someone who doesn’t want to be jumped on.

All 7 year olds are annoying. I love my kids to death, but good god they can be irritating at times.

She is seeming a little spoilt, used to having no boundaries, but also struggling to share you with someone else.

I haven’t voted as I don’t think either of you are BU.

He doesn’t want to live with children and you have a child.
You’re just mismatched in that way and I think you need an honest conversation about it and whether you both want to continue with the relationship.

If someone said they found my child annoying then I wouldn’t be with them.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had younger children as I’ve done that already.
And my friends girlfriend recently broke up with him as he has a daughter and she doesn’t want a relationship with children, she thought she could get past it as he only has her EOW but she decided she couldn’t.

Hell would freeze over before I'd have me or my children walking on eggshells in my own house to please a boyfriend.

If you're not happy with it then leave him.

@Isabella83

Of course. But I can also see past the irritation and not let it change my relationship with her, whereas I worry that she is picking up on the tension he sometimes causes

This is because you’re her mother and you love her unconditionally, you naturally see past these things. It’s much harder for someone else.

Saying that, once you’ve addressed this issue (or even if you don’t) DD must always take priority if there is a bad or irritated atmosphere at home in the long run.

@Gowithme

It sounds like he doesn't like the fact your dd is your priority rather than him tbh and he is starting to find her an irritation. Be careful OP.

This!

You shouldn't minimize his feelings that she has hurt him when playing around. Just cause she's 7 doesn't mean she can't be overly rough. I dated someone with a kid this age and she was the same. Could be very rough when playing and her father thought it was "cute" and if I said something hurt then his response was "she's too small to hurt anyone". Him undermining my feelings really irked me.

This is why I stopped dating anyone with young children. Some parents are blind to the ways of their kids and it just causes issues when dating.

I absolutely hate being tickled by anyone. I find it painful and it sends me into a panic. As others have said, she needs to learn bodily autonomy and that ‘no means no’. She also doesn’t need you lying with her to get her to sleep.

DD might be jealous of him…
DP might be jealous of her …
Tread carefully x

ANYone would find that irritating. By all means let her climb all over you but if he says no that's enough, that should mean no. Lying with a 7 year old to get them to sleep is ridiculous. She sounds spoilt and you give in to her so I don't blame him to be honest.