Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

I agree that a 7 year old having the odd hyper moment is normal. But equally she is old enough to understand when her behaviour is not appropriate and to change it accordingly.

And it's not normal to have to lie with a 7 year old so they can go to sleep - this sounds like attention seeking to me.

Hmm. She’s not his child so yeah, that’s annoying. I wouldn’t want someone else’s kid doing that to me either.

Sorry op i actually agree with your dp.
Some people don’t enjoy being jumped on and tickled, why should it be different when it’s a child?
At 7 if he tells her to stop, why is she not listening?
He’s not a killjoy, he doesn’t want to be jumped on and messed with!
Also kind of agree at 7 you should need to be lying down at night with her.
Can sense his annoyance here i’m afraid.

Shouldn’t*

@Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes

my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful

Is he always saying “no”?
if he isn’t letting the poor child be a child in her own home she is going to be miserable!

"Being a child" doesn't mean getting to exactly what you want at all times even if it's hurting others, and they're telling you no.

He doesn't need to justify why he doesn't want her to climb on him to your or her satisfaction, if he says no then that's his choice. It's very important to model consent from as early as possible, especially for girls as they are more at risk later.
Regarding you lying with her at night, you can do that if you want but he is allowed to express his feeling about it.
Ultimately if you want someone who likes rough play with your daughter and doesn't mind being left while you lie with her, then he has made it clear he's not that person.

@bubblesbubbles11

how long has he lived with you? you say "dd likes having him around" but how do you know that? Do you think your dd has a level of insecurity about your partner and this type of thing is attention seeking (i.e she wants your attention so she acts up to get attention from you)

This, has she always been a 'handful' and needed lots of attention, creating situations that turn negative with him and someone to lie with her to get to sleep, or is this new, a reaction to sharing your home with him? Is she as happy as you think?

At what age if ever are you going to teach he about respect, consent and boundaries? At 7 she shouldn't need you to spend the evening laying in bed beside her.

There are some very good parenting resources and courses that may be helpful but reminding your OP that he was once a child is patronising and shows a lack of a logical response to what he says.

You both need to have a frank talk and come up with a plan that respects everyone if the relationship is to work.

Very much agree with other posters that "if someone tells you no you need to stop" is a very important lesson to learn for her own sake as well as for your dp's.

Mummy is sitting next to new man in the house, there's an element of dont forget me and low level jealousy going on. She just literally trying to get your attention, in between you.
She's feeling a bit vulnerable and lacks the communication skills to show this is in a more adult manner.

At 7, I think she should learn that it's not OK to climb all over people who don't like it.

@BlingLoving

Mmm, I do broadly agree that if he doesn't want to play a tickling game, then yes, your DD is old enough to know to stop. But what does he want instead? Because reading between the lines, he doesn't want to rechannel her energy and desire to play into a different game, but rather he wants her just to go away? And that's fair enough... except that she's your daughter and at that age they do still need a lot of attention.

Ditto, yes, sometimes, in the evenings, you can't be downstairs having a "cuddle" because you're dealing with a child. This is normal.

If he doesn't get that and really just wants her to be seen and not heard, or even not heard or not seen, then I'd be concerned.

How long has he lived with you? Feels like quite a short time for him to be moving in with you and your dd.

I agree with this.

It sounds like he wants her to conform to his idea of a kid and he resents his adult time being stepped. Trouble is as a parent your adult time is always getting trmapled, it is part of parenting.

He's got a right to say no and expect her to listen but he's got no right (in my opinion) to expect you to not prioritise your daughter.

The fact that he gets grumpy when she calls you in the evening would be a big red flag to me. I assume like most parents you'd always out your kids' needs first and if he can't accept that you'll have constant trouble in the future being pulled between your DD and your partner

@Guiltypleasures001

Mummy is sitting next to new man in the house, there's an element of dont forget me and low level jealousy going on. She just literally trying to get your attention, in between you. She's feeling a bit vulnerable and lacks the communication skills to show this is in a more adult manner.

This also seems very Likely.

He is allowed to say no to her. Why should anyone put up with with touched and harassed by anyone physically.

You are allowed to lie with your child if you want to but I never really understood why people have to do that. It means the child gets used to having that happen as part of their routine to sleep but each to their own. He will have to put up with that if it's what you want.

However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful.

You’re being hugely unreasonable having any issues with this. He doesn’t want her climbing on him and tickling him, he’s asked her not to and she’s ignoring him. Of course he’s going to moan about it. Do you back him up when he asks her not to and she continues to do it anyway? I’d also be inclined to think that he’s making a big fuss about her hurting him because he thinks it will either a) make her stop or b) make you make her stop.

With the sleeping it’s hard to know really. Is her being unsettled at bed time a new thing that’s probably because of some kind of insecurity/worry?

I'd be dumping the partner I think. You'll be walking on eggshells otherwise, trying to keep her quiet or cutting shirt the time that you wish to spend with her settling her down

It's ALWAYS the boyfriend with the low threshold to a kid which isn't his own. Stay with him and you can't say you weren't warned

I think you moved very quick in this relationship. 18 months regardless of whether he was known to you is not long enough. Your dd is in her own home, probably doing what she always did with you and now she has another unrelated adult wanting your attention- there is probably an element of jealousy and showing off. The bed thing I get. My dd went through stages of finding it hard to nod off (tears/ anxiety etc) and I would spend time with her settling her but it was usually just a phase.

I don't think your dp particularly likes your dd, he seems to find it difficult to tolerate her. Personally I'd step back from the relationship as I couldn't deal with being on edge in my own home.

YABU for moving him in with your DD when he's clearly not prepared to live with a child.

I have to admit I really hate being tickled and I'd be annoyed if the child that kept tickling me kept on doing it if I said 'no.'
I'd be grumpy with the child's parent for not stopping it too.
No one should have to endure any physical contact that they do not want.

Your child is 7 and is old enough to know these boundaries.

It might be helpful to your adult time with your partner to start working on your child's bedtime routine.

It does sound like your DD may not be as happy with DP moving into her home as you think. It certainly doesn’t sound as though he has slotted in or made much effort to make your DD feel relaxed and secure. The climbing over you both on the sofa does sound like attention seeking but you need to ask yourself why she is seeking attention. The having your lie with her in the evening might be insecurity at these changes or feeling the need to have you to herself for a bit. She is 7 so very young and DP is an adult so needs to be a bit more understanding. He’s only been in your life for 18 months but he’s already moaning about your DD.

@LoganberryJam

Your DD sounds lovely and your DP sounds like a bit of a killjoy.

How does a kid that ignores what she's told and climbs and jumps all over people, sound lovely

I think if you have a dd that you have to lie with when she goes to sleep then there is a problem and you need to focus on that problem and why she doesn't sleep rather than the relationship and he should move out. I don't think you are compatible to live together. You can still be in a relationship without living with him.

Please choose your DD over this man, and any man that may come into your life in the future. She's 7 and you are all she has to protect and nourish her

@DearMallorie

I think if you have a dd that you have to lie with when she goes to sleep then there is a problem and you need to focus on that problem and why she doesn't sleep rather than the relationship and he should move out. I don't think you are compatible to live together. You can still be in a relationship without living with him.

I would suspect a 7 year old wants her mom to comfort her to sleep because she feels anxious and uncomfortable having an unrelated (and seemingly incompassionate) male in her home