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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

169 replies

Isabella83 · 24/03/2022 16:39

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Memyselfandfood · 25/03/2022 13:37

*You DONT. You don't need to change anything. You are parenting your daughter perfectly for her needs. Stop listening to other people including your partner telling you that you are parenting wrong. Only you know her and what's best for her and she sounds like a happy girl, apart from the boyfriend being mardy with her for being 7 that is.

Have faith in yourself. You've started this AIBU because you know the way he's acting isn't fair on your daughter*

Oh yes, a child jumping all over someone who has asked them to stop is ‘being mardy’?
He’s the one acting unfair

He’s entitled to ask her to stop and that be respected.
Op also doesn’t need to ruin her relationship by putting in a few boundaries.

GlitteryGreen · 25/03/2022 14:58

@Isabella83

We need to have a serious chat. I need to be firm and have better boundaries with dd but I need to do this in a way that doesn’t make her feel as though I’m taking his side and shutting her out. It’s so difficult

But from what you've said here, all the boundaries you could start inputting are not just your bf's issue? So why would she see this as 'taking his side'?

If it were me and I had to tackle these, the explanations would be: Bedtime - she's getting to be a big girl now and it's important she learns how to go to sleep on her own as you've got things to do downstairs, and you'll be back to check on her in 10 mins so she doesn't need to worry; jumping all over him - it's important she stops doing this as she's bigger now and it can hurt people, and it's important not to touch or grab people without their permission. That's just 2 examples of course.

Realistically, it never has to come down to 'taking sides', particularly when you actually seem to agree to some extent with the things he's taken issue with.

Geppili · 25/03/2022 16:24

Op, when I was 8, in the 1970s, my mother was all giddy and in love with her affair partner. My father had left days ago and my sisters and I were grieving for him. My mother was getting ready to go out with him, putting on her make up and being lit up. I realised this was serious. I asked her then and there: "Mum do you think it could just be you and me and the littlies for a while? Not have a new dad immediately?"

Do you know what she did? She laughed at me and told me I was being ridiculous. She moved my stepfather in within weeks and we had to call him Daddy. Our new little sister was born in a year and by then we all discovered he was a serious alcoholic. My mother was desperatle unhapp with him for years. She had countless affairs to try to save her marriage. It led for a profoundly dysfunctional childhood. My mother died intestate five years ago. He inherited practically all of her substantial wealth. He has practically disowned us and our children.

Listen to your daughter.

luckylavender · 25/03/2022 16:33

Difficult to judge OP but on balance I think she's a bit old to not understand that not everyone wants to be jumped on & tickled & certainly too old not to go to sleep on her own.

Original poster

Isabella83 · 25/03/2022 16:48

@Geppili I appreciate what you’re saying but I’m nothing like how you describe your mother.

This is the first serious relationship I’ve had since her dad left us when she was 4 months old, and she’s almost 8.

OP posts:

ToxicBuns · 25/03/2022 17:47

She's old enough to understand no. I feel she is just pushing boundaries like kids do. I agree with your DP, I wouldn't want someone climbing over me and tickling ESPECIALLY after I have said no, I don't like it. YABU.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 26/03/2022 08:23

It sounds like a few boundaries would benefit her and you, even if he didn’t exist.

Eg the jumping and climbing on people when they’re on the sofa or tickling them needs to stop as soon as they say no. She’s too big to clamber on people like a toddler and yes it can hurt! I don’t let my 6 year old climb all over me, DH or visitors or relatives any more than I let him climb on the furniture.

Adults aren’t climbing frames or just for kids entertainment, when they say no there should be no back chat. To you or him.

At 7 you shouldn’t need to be repeatedly settling her like a younger child who is sleep training. A routine would benefit her, eg story, say goodnight and you only return in emergencies. If she keeps shouting for you I’d remind her you’ve said goodnight and it’s lights out, no fussing.

StopStartStop · 26/03/2022 08:33

Get him out of the house. It is your daughter's home - she has no alternative.

brainhurts · 26/03/2022 10:12

@StopStartStop
So based on the fact an adult has said I don't like you doing that please stop , he should now leave .
She's a child , she's pushing boundaries that's perfectly normal . I've seen nothing in ops post to say he's unkind to her.
Op has said she baby's her and can now see things need to change .
To me boyfriend is in the right he's not a climbing frame
Op also says DD can be bossy , this could be intercepted as anything but to me it's DD maybe saying " mommy get me a drink" as
In ordering mom " and boyfriend maybe thinking it should be " mommy can you please get me a drink " as in asking . Or DD refusing to do as she's asked . " DD please can you put your shoes away " " No you do it " .
Obviously I might of interpreted the post wrong but to me it's not unreasonable for boundaries to be put in place and also not unusual for a child to push back . No we don't climb on people , we do as we are asked ,big girls go to sleep on there own .
Yes DD wants him gone because he's trying to parent her rather than baby her .

Ineedaduvetday · 26/03/2022 20:33

Sounds like your bf moving in has shone a light on your boundary issues with your dd. Your issue now is how to rectify those boundaries without your dd blaming your bf for the enforcement of better behaviours.

StopStartStop · 27/03/2022 14:51

Put the child first.

'Tickling' is always a red flag. Even my grandma knew that, and warned me of maen who tried that on little girls, in the eatly 1960s.

Protect the child.

StopStartStop · 27/03/2022 14:51

Eatly? Early.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2022 15:03

@StopStartStop get a grip. It's the DD tickling him which he keeps asking her not to. Not the other way around.

Agree with the poster who asked what happens if you have another child? She needs to learn that while loved, she cannot the centre of attention all the time.

Blossom64265 · 27/03/2022 15:09

Body autonomy needs to be respected in all directions. If he says he doesn’t want to be touched, she is old enough to know to stop immediately. It’s an important life lesson for her to learn. She should respect that request and demand it be reciprocated when she makes it as well.

Aside from that, he doesn’t really seem to understand life with kids.

steff13 · 27/03/2022 15:39

@StopStartStop

Put the child first.

'Tickling' is always a red flag. Even my grandma knew that, and warned me of maen who tried that on little girls, in the eatly 1960s.

Protect the child.

The girl is tickling him, and he's telling her to stop. What exactly are you suggesting here?

ddl1 · 27/03/2022 17:13

@StopStartStop

Put the child first.

'Tickling' is always a red flag. Even my grandma knew that, and warned me of maen who tried that on little girls, in the eatly 1960s.

Protect the child.

It's the child who's doing the tickling and the OP's partner who doesn't like it.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 17:15

@StopStartStop

Put the child first.

'Tickling' is always a red flag. Even my grandma knew that, and warned me of maen who tried that on little girls, in the eatly 1960s.

Protect the child.

Wtf. The child is ticking the adult who is saying stop.

brainhurts · 27/03/2022 19:42

@Ineedaduvetday
"Sounds like your bf moving in has shone a light on your boundary issues with your dd. Your issue now is how to rectify those boundaries without your dd blaming your bf for the enforcement of better behaviours."

Hit the nail on the head

Memyselfandfood · 28/03/2022 11:50

@StopStartStop

Put the child first.

'Tickling' is always a red flag. Even my grandma knew that, and warned me of maen who tried that on little girls, in the eatly 1960s.

Protect the child.

Baha have you actually read the thread? Its the doing the tickling! Also what a sad statement.

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