Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

I'd find the bedtime thing annoying, if she's 7 she should be able to go to bed without mum next to her. Plus if she goes to bed then you have uninterrupted adult / couple time so maybe focus on that one? The other stuff hard to tell, kids are annoying

If she's 7 she should be able to go to bed without her mum next to her - but don't you think it's her mum who should decide that, not her mum's partner?

She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her

Obviously she needs to learn that when he says no she needs to stop climbing on him or tickling him. But he needs to learn to manage his irritation of other things, like her bouncing round the room. Presumably this is at her home? If she’s doing it in other peoples homes I’d tell her to calm down but in her own home she should feel comfortable.

And yes, a 7 year old should be able to fall asleep by herself. But if you’re okay with her not doing that then don’t change things for him.

In all honesty, prioritise making her comfortable, not him because if he can’t or doesn’t want to adapt now it’ll only get worse, especially when she’s a stroppy teenager. Otherwise there’s years of issues ahead of you.

Sounds like your DD is attention seeking , she needs reassurance your still there for her . She also needs to learn some manners and boundaries around your partner.

What would you say to your dd if it were your partner tickling her against her will?
No means no, right?
Well it works the other way round too. And since my kids learned "stop, i don't want this" at Kindergarten - a 7 year old is well able to understand it.

Tell her to stop it.

Well before age seven, she should instantly get off someone if told to, especially by an adult. You need to teach her to respect others’ personal space and follow instructions from your partner. If you’d taught her to treat him with respect then you wouldn’t need to referee, the problem is you’ve taught her that she has to listen to you but not him.

The sleep thing is what it is, he’ll just have to get used to it.

I sometimes get annoyed by my baby constantly climbing on me - I would be very unimpressed if my seven year old did it too! We value our child free evenings too. We sometimes have to help the little one sleep but not our 7 year old and haven't had to for years.

He sounds like a miserable git, before you know it she'll be grown. I'd give my attention to her rather than him. These days are precious

@MadKittenWoman

I absolutely hate being tickled by anyone. I find it painful and it sends me into a panic. As others have said, she needs to learn bodily autonomy and that ‘no means no’. She also doesn’t need you lying with her to get her to sleep.

He doesn't need her to sit and watch tv with him either.

@Isabella83

I can appreciate what a lot of you are saying regarding dd learning boundaries etc. On second thoughts, I agree that this isn’t ideal at her age.

I also think that he does find her irritating sometimes and this is worrying

I’m sorry, She’s 7, not 4. She’s old enough to be taught boundaries. What age will you teach her to stop jumping all over people when they say no? I think he’s getting a real rough deal here. I would hate to be constantly jumped on and def tickled.

The sleep situation is difficult, and I do give in to her way more than I should. I’ve been a single parent for most of her life and, after having a really shitty childhood myself, I’ve been more lenient with her than I should have in many respects. I need to work on that, I know I do.

Is there a way I can show her that she’s my priority and always will be, without kicking him to the kerb? Or do I ask him to move out?

I don’t know what you do about him but I still sit with my nine year old to go to sleep. I’m not sure why all the posters think that spoils a kid, they are young for such a short period of their life, and if it brings them comfort, so what? I’m a single parent, and no one would get in the way of comforting my child. She’s maybe just unsettled at night considering there is someone new there, and so maybe just needs extra reassurance. That may pass.

(Also many of my friends and colleagues say with their kids until about ten, they will all grow out of it eventually).

Also mine would have no idea how to share me. It may just take time and patience, and learning on both sides that she’s not to treat him the way she treats you (climbing all over him) but equally he’s not to come in too strong either with the ‘parenting’.

TBH at 7 she needs to learn that people don't really appreciate being clambered over or tickled. So I can see his point. She should also be able to settle in bed by herself.

Are you overbabying her or is she insecure by your relationship with him and acting up/being needy?

I think I’ve over-babied her in a lot of ways, but I also think she understandably feels a bit jealous that there’s someone else getting my attention. I’ll do anything I can to make her feel secure and if that means living separately then I will.

Is he good with her most of the time ? Do they spend any time together? , play? , chat ? Or do you just feel as though he is tolerating her or getting irritated with her?

I'd take a look at what @surreymum89 suggests before booting him out, to be honest.

Or you'll be creating a little girl who knows how to wrap you around her little finger. By all means work out how you can BOTH reassure that she is loved and wanted, but don't let her rule the roost.

This! At least try something before booting your partner out! Tell your daughter she's not allowed jump on him if he says no, try to get her sleeping on her own. Don't take the Armageddon option after four pages on Mumsnet! This place is always in favour of LTB! Explain to him he needs to be a bit more patient, but that she's going to be more considerate as well and try to work things out as a family.

That piece was supposed to quote the post above mine.

Glad you have come to the reality that at 7 she's not a baby and needs boundaries.
Are there things she and boyfriend like doing together and can bond over . Could they wash up together, do some art , puzzles, clean the car . She's being annoying to him by bouncing and climbing over him she needs to see , oh get praised if I read him a book or tidy my toys or help with the dishes..
I think booting him out his a little excessive you just need to set boundaries.
You all need to find the middle ground.

I am with your DP on this. At 7 she should know that no means no. Also she should not need you to to go to sleep.

My 6yo doesn’t listen to no all the time. Pretty much every single time to be honest, but if he’s jumping on someone I step in and enforce my no. Similarly I don’t sit in his room at night, he’s awful at going to bed and it would be the lowest effort way to keep him in his room but we explain mummy and daddy need time to, whether it’s to tidy your mess or to watch tv, and walk him back to his room. So since I wouldn’t accept either of those behaviours from my children I think your bf has a point!

By 7 I'm afraid I wouldn't have allowed my dc to jump on or tickle me on the sofa either. I agree it can be sore when they get carried away like that. Only mildly obviously but I still don't want it when I'm relaxing on the sofa and I'd expect them to stop when I, or someone else, said no.

I think it’s really hard. My 6yo dd is pretty annoying but she’s my daughter and I love her. I think if anyone lived with us who wasn’t rated to her they might find her annoying too at this stage and I would worry about the effect on her.

This would annoy me too, sorry op, as a mum of 2 girls, 1 with adhd it would still annoy me!! On the one hand it's your house your rules, but at 7 I wouldn't be allowing mine to jump all over the sofa. I also wouldn't let mine crawl all over someone, especially if they had said it hurts, she might not hurt you but it may hurt him at times if she catches him wrong, or maybe he just feels uncomfortable with it, but it's his right to be able to voice it

Your partner maybe doesn't like being tickled, lots of people don't, we are in an age now where people are teaching children to say no to tickling if they don't like it and parents are expected to respect that, so the same should be said here, he doesn't like it, he tells her to stop, she doesn't, this IS annoying. Possibly the equivalent of boys where they think it's funny to ruffle our hair!!

I understand you going up to bed to settle her down, but I guess it depends how long this takes, is her sat on his own for hours each time?