Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

It’s easy to say “a 7 year old shouldn’t do this” but she’s a 7 year old with a new man in the house so it’s understandable she wants more of your attention OP.

Ignore all the smug parents on this thread OP! Your DD sounds like a normal happy 7yo.

@KrisAkabusi

This! At least try something before booting your partner out! Tell your daughter she's not allowed jump on him if he says no, try to get her sleeping on her own. Don't take the Armageddon option after four pages on Mumsnet! This place is always in favour of LTB! Explain to him he needs to be a bit more patient, but that she's going to be more considerate as well and try to work things out as a family.

Work things out as a family, sounds good, if they were, but they aren't a family. OP's boyfriend has moved in, they've only been together 18 months, he isn't a step dad, they aren't a family.

Prioritise your dd, of course, but I’d be extremely unhappy with being jumped on. If I say no, I mean it. Why should she be allowed to do that to someone who doesn’t like it? You wouldn’t let him tickle her if she said no, would you?

I completely get the tickling thing and I will be more strict with this.

I spoke to dd last night and carefully worded things. She said that she preferred it when it was just me and her but that she’d still like DP to come round for sleepovers sometimes. How do I prioritise her without letting her rule the roost so to speak?

How long has he lived with you ?

Only a few months

I have sensory issues and I wouldn’t like to be jumped on so this would upset me (and yes I have children). Lying with a child to help them sleep at 7 seems quite old to me. But my son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old so maybe I am over sensitive.

You have I think massively rushed all of this - you may have known him 10+ years but 18 months (including what the past 18 months have been like) is too quick.

You have moved him in quickly which signals a family - so she is behaving as such. What he wants isnt going to work with him living there.

I think the only way this may work is to take a step back - he needs to move out. And your DD is correct that sleepovers for him as the way forward to build up a relationship and proper boundaries

Moving in so quickly wasnt fair on either of them - it was expecting a relationship that simply didnt exist.

She said that she preferred it when it was just me and her but that she’d still like DP to come round for sleepovers sometimes. How do I prioritise her without letting her rule the roost so to speak?

To be honest OP, I know you’ve known him a long time but if you’ve only been together 18 months and he’s been living with you for a few months already, it might have been too soon to move him in. She’s still quite young to understand all the changes and deal with it, she’s bound to act out a bit. I think he’s going to need to be more patient. And you need to try and spend more 1-2-1 time with her in the day maybe? Trips out just you two, so she knows that she will still get your sole attention at times.

I think the only way this may work is to take a step back - he needs to move out. And your DD is correct that sleepovers for him as the way forward to build up a relationship and proper boundaries

Yes to this as well. And if he doesn’t like it then it’s clear he’s not ready to handle a relationship with someone who has a child. She has to be the priority, especially when she’s telling you she isn’t happy.

I think it depends on if you want boyfriend to stay and if it's just the climbing and tickling that's a problem.
If it's only a few things they can be sorted very quickly by just saying boyfriend doesn't like it when you tickle so she's not to do it but maybe there is an activity you all can do together.
She's obviously used to being centre of attention and is now looking for attention . She needs to see you give her attention, boyfriend gives her attention but there needs to be boundaries to follow eg she hurts boyfriend by climbing on him and no one should hurt anyone.
Yes you should prioritise her but also parent her , it can't be all her way .

Bouncing around the sofa and climbing on you at 7 years old. Ummm no. You need to teach your child boundaries. Enough now stop being a friend and be a parent.

I mean of course she liked it before he moved in, in your own words you’ve babied her and she’s never had to share you.

Now she’s being told no about things you let her get away with and there’s someone else for you to talk to in the house and want to sit with not just her. Yes you need to take her feelings into account. Make sure you spend 1 on 1 time with her too but regardless of if he stays or go you need to make some changes anyway. She needs to learn to sleep alone, jumping over and tickling people is a consent thing and at 7 she is getting too big for jumping all over anyone regardless.

She is 7 - she isn't some mastermind plotting ways to rule the roost. She is emotionally responding to what she finds a stressful experience - which is adjusting to having a boyfriend move on.

He moved in after about a year of dating? It's very fast for such a major upheaval to her life.

The tickling thing is a bit annoying, yes. But if he is getting grumpy and resentful about her bedtimes because it takes away from his time to "cuddle" you then that seems a much bigger red flag to me.

Your daughter has told you with words and her behaviour that she is unhappy. Prioritise her needs, not your own.
If she has to grow up making herself quiet and small in order to not annoy the man who lives in the house, what sort of message is that to her?

If he really wants to be a family, he should be on board with the idea of moving back out and spending time building a relationship with your daughter - activities together etc - before perhaps spending some weekends together. And slowly build up trust and connection.

If he isn't interested in working at a relationship with your child, he isn't interested in being a family

If I were 7, I’d hate having someone like your partner living in my house, and never being able to get away from him.

Kids don’t get any say on who moves into their family home - they just have to go along with it, like it or not.

Do you have to live together?

It’s easy to say “a 7 year old shouldn’t do this” but she’s a 7 year old with a new man in the house so it’s understandable she wants more of your attention OP.

Bollocks. It is very easy to say "he told you not to climb on him". If the situation were reversed he'd be getting it in the neck.

The sleep thing is more difficult. I totally get, especially if she's been babied and OPs sole focus for most of her life, that she wants her mum to go to sleep with her.

On the other hand if OP has, presumably, invited her DP to live with her, it is not beyond unreasonable that he actually wants to spend some time with her in the evenings. He's not asking her to send DD away anywhere, just to make some time for him.

And 7 is a good age to start teaching a bit of self soothing etc, not immediately and zero soothing from mum, but talk about it with DD and work up to it over several months.

I think this is a very small snippet of the whole situation and people are making judgements based on the available info, which is fair enough, but also probably won’t get to the root of the problem. Is the boyfriend going to become worse? Where do you set boundaries? What are the expectations for the relationship moving forward?

My opinion is that you should go to see a counsellor for a few sessions to sort all this out in your head OP. Plenty of great advice on here, but might be worth enlisting someone who can see the ongoing patterns… especially when your daughter is involved. Good luck anyway!

I can very well imagine a child who has not been taught proper boundaries and discipline over how they rule the home isn't that thrilled that an adult who is holding their own has moved in.

At 7 she absolutely can be told No. do not jump on him/the couch. That does not mean no playing.

And she absolutely can be told it is bed time you can lay there in bed quietly but you do not leave your bed or make noises.

Have you pandered to her in many other ways?

@Summerfun54321

It’s easy to say “a 7 year old shouldn’t do this” but she’s a 7 year old with a new man in the house so it’s understandable she wants more of your attention OP.

People are saying "a 7 year old shouldn't do this" to counteract the OP's assertions that all 7 year old's are like that.

The DD may well be acting out due to worries about the new man or lack of attention, but while OP sees her behaviour as "normal" she's not going to address these things.

@Isabella83

Of course. But I can also see past the irritation and not let it change my relationship with her, whereas I worry that she is picking up on the tension he sometimes causes

Or maybe you're causing that tension by not teaching your daughter about personal boundaries and how no means no. Everyone has the right NOT to be climbed on and tickled if they don't want to and maybe aged 7 she should be able to go to bed and is playing up as she knows it drags your attention from him to her.

I'd be looking at how you're not setting boundaries for your child and she's capitalising on the situation.

@Isabella83

I completely get the tickling thing and I will be more strict with this.

I spoke to dd last night and carefully worded things. She said that she preferred it when it was just me and her but that she’d still like DP to come round for sleepovers sometimes. How do I prioritise her without letting her rule the roost so to speak?

You set a day or an afternoon aside for you and her time. At bed time you read to her and talk to her for a bit but then leave her to go to sleep. Make time for her without him.

All 7 year old get hyper and over the top at some points, totally normal. Also normal to push boundaries. Also normal to sometimes need soothing to sleep. She's 7, they are young for such a small amount of time don't be forced into rushing this because new partner wants more solo time, it's always just been you and her this is far too soon to expect her to just accept this new status and give up half of mum's time. Yes you need to talk about boundaries and that some people don't like being sat on/tiggled etc and she needs to respect that. But partner has to also respect that it's her home to be bouncy and loud and childlike in as she always has been able to be, he knew you had a child when he entered the relationship.

I think there are three things at play in this situation. Op is used to being in sole charge and babies DD , DD is used to ops sole attention and presume has little boundaries. Boyfriend has come along and and says ' No' the reaction is take DD off him and let her climb over op . DD had then learnt oh he says no mom gives me more attention.
This is all new to all 3 of them but in most families ( well mine at least) if one parent says no the other backs them up .
Op and boyfriend need to be on the same page we're parenting is concerned , if that be it's all op and he has no say or they parent together.No climbing on boyfriend does not mean no fun just a game everyone can join in , enjoy and not get hurt .