Or is my partner? (re: my dd)

[Isabella83]

We've been together about 18 months, but have known each other for much longer (10+ years) so it's not like he was a complete stranger when he met dd. He lives with us, and most of the time we get on great as a family, and dd enjoys having him around.

But... his patience can often be low when it comes to dd. She's 7 and, like most children, can have her hyper moments where she bounces around the room and wants to climb on us when we're on the sofa and tickle us etc. I don't mind this at all, and will often pick her up onto me and cuddle/tickle her. However, my partner moans that she doesn't listen when he tells her no, and (IMO) massively overreacts saying that she hurts him when she's being playful. She's also not the greatest sleeper, so on an evening when he's wanting to cuddle and watch TV etc., I sometimes have to sort dd out and lay in bed with her until she nods off.

Yes, she can be a handful. But is this not normal child behaviour? He's currently in a huff saying that in future he wont' say anything, because I told him I was getting fed up of having to be the referee between him and dd. He doesn't have kids, and I feel like I have to regularly remind him that he was once a child, who didn't always behave perfectly.

AIBU?

Tbh OP it sounds like you just need to be a bit more mindful that DD is not your partner's daughter and so he naturally not have the same level of patience when it comes to her climbing all over him etc. She needs to stop doing that, you really need to be telling her to stop if she does that to him.

I'd say if they generally get on fine then hopefully some of the tension will ease if you do help DD to stop doing these things to him. Same with the bedtime thing, it sounds like you yourself are aware that you shouldn't need to be laying in there with her at this age, so I don't think it's fair to criticise your partner for thinking the same thing.

If it helps, my SD was like this until recently (she's 8) and the last few months DP has done her a story and then said he'll come back to check on her in 10 mins etc. Even if she protests, he still does this and 9/10 times she's asleep by the time he goes back in.

Oh the "he knew you had a child" . Yes, of course he did, he has known OP for 10 years.

What he didn't know what that he was going to play trampoline for an unruly 7 year old (OP said she's going to address this, so good) or that he was going to spend every evening alone while OP gets child to sleep.

I wonder if he'd been as keen on moving in if he'd known that in advance? I'm not saying OP is wrong to do the sleep routine, just that i think some posters are a bit batshit with their replies

I have been far too soft with her, and the boundaries aren’t there in a lot of ways. My partner doesn’t like the way that she talks to me as she can be a bit bossy at times. Because I was on my own with her, she got away with a lot more than she would have had me and her dad stayed together. Her dad is very strict compared to me and she says so. I think she enjoys that I’m the softer one.

@Isabella83 I think it's really good that you recognise this yourself though, that means it's something you can start changing :)

You don't have to turn super harsh, but you also don't need to immediately jump to being annoyed with your DP for not enjoying things that you know yourself are not quite right. You certainly don't need to think about him moving out based on this, and I think it would be quite unfair to do so.

Is it unfair on dd to let him continue living with us though? The thought of failing her terrified me. I grew up in an unhappy home and it’s the last thing I want for her

I’d find that annoying if my DD did that and would be REALLY annoyed if someone elses kid did that. But she’s your DD and is your priority if he needs to move out to make sure you maintain both relationships I would do that.

I've always been wary of taking advice about parenting from non parents, although I am aware people me a living out if it

And unless he's actively trying to make the situation better by helping in some way rather than criticising from the couch, he can do one

Could your partner not move out and you go back to having a normal relationship where you meet up when you can? Sometimes when your daughter is there, as she seems to like him but more when your daughter is at her Dad's?

Then your daughter gets more time to have you to herself and so does your partner. Other people's kids are hard to deal with 24/7 and this is bound to cause tension.

It would bring back more romance and less refereeing .

@Isabella83 I personally don't think it's unfair for her unless there is actually something in his behaviour toward her which is not OK.

From what you have posted here, it sounds like he just gets frustrated with certain aspects but as a whole they get on well and like each other - obvs reassuring that your DD likes him enough to want him to come for sleepovers if he didn't live with you anymore.

I think all children naturally would prefer to live with just their parent, especially if the other partner might be a little stricter or do things a little differently. I am sure my SCs would prefer it was just them and DP the whole time, even though we get along great and do lots of fun things all together. So I don't think it's necessarily unfair on children to live with someone else, as long as that person has a decent relationship with them and is largely kind and friendly to them.

Personally I would find it unfair on a child to have a new partner living with them so soon. I think that’s what it comes down to here. I know people have very different opinions on this but around 15 months of being together and you’d moved in together. Regardless of how long you’ve known him, there’s a child involved and in my opinion that’s too soon. I didn’t move in with DH until 18 months and there were no kids involved. If DH and I were to split now I’d have to be in a relationship for many years before moving them in, because of the kids.

But it’s done now, so I suppose you need to sit down with him and see how you can make it work. DD does need to learn not to jump on him or tickle him when he says no, but he needs to accept that at sometimes she’s a child and is going to be hyper and running round. And as for the bedtime I think you need to compromise so it’s say 15/20 mins of stories and cuddles with DD then she settles herself (my 4 year old takes ages to settle herself so she does drawing/colouring in the meantime, could that work?). And I’d make sure you set aside a weekend day every week or other week for just you and her. And maybe try and find something that he could do with her?

She sounds like a normal 7 year old child. I suspect this has a lot to do with him not having children of his own. He probably has very little experience with young children and doesn’t know how they act, he may think she’s being particularly naughty when she’s actually just being a very usual child of her age. I don’t think you’re compatible and if this sort of thing continues, your DD will grow up unhappy and resentful. I had a grumpy bastard of a step-dad, I hated him.

Ok, you seem to have accepted that he's allowed to say 'no' & DD needs to respect that.

(I love kids, other peoples too! But tickling games & being climbed on I really can't do. I'm not sure why, but I hurt quite easily, shins & joints in particular). I'm ok if they want to sit on me for a cuddle or to watch TV etc, but not if they're tickling & digging elbows knees etc in.

Also I understand about him being frustrated that at 7, she 'needs' you to lay with her in the evenings to go to sleep.

I'm sure plenty of people will be of the opinion he needs to move out and you need to 'put DD first' (and the only way to do it is make him leave) but I disagree.

I wouldn't have asked her what she wants to happen now. It's an adult decision, not a 7 year olds. You need to put what they need first, but this doesn't mean them dictating who does/doesn't live there.

Obviously she's been used to having you to herself and having everything her way. It's not uncommon when you're a single parent, especially with only one child. There often stops being an adult/child relationship and ends up with it being much more 'team us', with them thinking they get equal say in everything.

Did she used to sleep with you?

I'd look at things like starting a good evening routine, where maybe you help her get ready for bed (babying her a bit, by helping her when she can do it by herself) & reading to her for half an hour then she has to read/go to sleep by herself. At first 'reward' her doing this with whatever her currency is.

Start a mummy & DD treat/routine for a non bedtime time. Whether it's a bike ride & hot chocolate on Saturday mornings or playing her favourite game on Tuesday nights. Carve out some time that's just hers. Then some 'family' time... Friday movie nights/walk or bike ride on a Sunday, lunch at the pub. So there's time she looks forward to with DP too, not just competing with him for your attention. Take turns choosing the film/lunch venue/game so it's not DD running the show, it's for all of you.

Talk to DP first.. see what he's up for & if that bedtime routine is something he would be ok with. That'll tell you a lot about him. If he's not up for any of it & has no reasonable alternative - he needs to go.

Best of luck!

Is he trying to help , is she only unhappy because she's not getting her own way .
I think there is a difference between him deliberately making her upset, is his just trying to parent her , no jumping on people, no answering back , no messing around with food or whatever.
She needs to learn boundaries and if all he's doing is saying " don't chat back to your mom " he's teaching her life skills not being horrible.

This is one of the reasons me and my dp don't live together. We have been together going on for 3 years and my dc are older then yours (now 14 and 16) but I know that some of my parenting annoys him a little (he thinks I am a walk over), which is why I prefer to parent how I want to and have my relationship with him separately.

I don't expect anyone else to love my dc like I do or have the tolerance I do but I also won't compromise on the way I parent them for anyone else.

I’m not sure. I think by 7 she should respect boundaries and not jump on him/tickle him if he says no. Plenty of parents get cross by that behaviour too! And sharp little knees and elbows can dig in and hurt a lot if she’s climbing all over him on the sofa.

Of course she’s a child and won’t always remember, but at her age I’d be setting some boundaries around climbing on people or invading their personal space/not listening etc.

What's their relationship like generally, OP? Maybe it's worth talking to him about his expectations and what you both want out of the relationship and if it's really working for you living together - from both your POVs and if there are compromises to be made. For you, OP, you'll be advocating for you and your daughter.

But bear this in mind too: you aren't that old. Do you want this relationship to move on? do you envisage this relationship surviving if you live apart? do you want it to? does DP? Do you want a life without another adult living with you until your daughter moves out? (knowing as we do that this might not be until she's 25 or so). Also how does you babying her and being the (very) soft parent affect the way she is with other people, children at school, friends etc. Gradually giving her independence is a good thing, usually.

@Isabella83

The sleep situation is difficult, and I do give in to her way more than I should. I’ve been a single parent for most of her life and, after having a really shitty childhood myself, I’ve been more lenient with her than I should have in many respects. I need to work on that, I know I do.

Is there a way I can show her that she’s my priority and always will be, without kicking him to the kerb? Or do I ask him to move out?

You DONT. You don't need to change anything. You are parenting your daughter perfectly for her needs. Stop listening to other people including your partner telling you that you are parenting wrong. Only you know her and what's best for her and she sounds like a happy girl, apart from the boyfriend being mardy with her for being 7 that is.

Have faith in yourself. You've started this AIBU because you know the way he's acting isn't fair on your daughter.

YANBU about prioritizing her and giving her attention, being around when she's falling asleep, etc. And I would worry if he resents this.

YABU about expecting him to just accept being climbed over, jumped on, tickled, etc. Some people are fine with that; some aren't; and she needs to learn to respect this.

If his complaint is specifically that she she doesn't listen when he says 'no' to being ticked and jumped on, then this is not unreasonable of him. If he means that he's trying to discipline and reform her more generally, and she isn't responding in the way he wants, then I'd worry about his attitude.

We need to have a serious chat. I need to be firm and have better boundaries with dd but I need to do this in a way that doesn’t make her feel as though I’m taking his side and shutting her out. It’s so difficult

@Isabella83

We need to have a serious chat. I need to be firm and have better boundaries with dd but I need to do this in a way that doesn’t make her feel as though I’m taking his side and shutting her out. It’s so difficult

I think you need to have a serious chat with both of them.

Your DD needs to completely respect his boundaries - if he doesnt like to be tickled etc she shouldnt do it and he should not encourage or respond to this if he doesnt like it.

But that is it - that is his boundary but it goes no further than that

Then you need to work out how you create an environment that both are happy in their own home and try and facilitate their relationship

And have rules in place for everyone - and not make her pushed out.

It isnt going to be easy OP - and I do think that it was all done a bit too fast and this should have been a much slower process for both of them. Moving in that quickly hasnt given them a chance to grow and create a relationship

Your not pushing her out by not letting her jump all over him and tickle him . She's 7 she should understand "no he doesn't like it stop ."

I suspect your DD is winding him up and manipulating you knowing that you will always take her side. This lying in bed with her until she goes to sleep thing for example, I bet it's just a way of keeping you to herself.

I would have a think about things, I suspect she's jealous of the attention you give him.

@CrotchetyQuaver

I suspect your DD is winding him up and manipulating you knowing that you will always take her side. This lying in bed with her until she goes to sleep thing for example, I bet it's just a way of keeping you to herself. I would have a think about things, I suspect she's jealous of the attention you give him.

I think that goes both ways though

Which given the timeframe was always going to happen.

At some point your dd is going to have to learn how to share you. What if at some point you have another child that takes up a lot of your attention? You need to prepare her to be able to be independent and to be able to go to sleep without you. And frankly, If you can’t compromise and consider your partners POV, maybe you shouldn’t be in an adult relationship yet?