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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 24/03/2022 09:46

On the one hand I see his POV on the other I would not be happy to have to keep makeup in a cupboard under a worktop. I have mine more accessible.

Do you have a mirrored bathroom cabinet or space for a dressing table you can put your makeup on?

TigerLilyTail · 24/03/2022 09:46

Well, I have ADHD, so I can understand why NT people would think why don't you just put it in the cupboard, but it isn't that easy.

Punishing a person who may have a medical condition doesn't actually work.

Bumtum126 · 24/03/2022 09:46

I'm sure he's not perfect himself and has his own little faults that OP puts up with unless he's absolutely perfect himself. I think this is a horrible controlling thing to do. If he's not going to give you it back, start cutting up his favourite clothes
Maybe he does but it's hardly controlling. Helping each other around the house ? Maybe that is controlling now. What if he stopped tidying up and washing up . Who the fuck says anyone has to wash up ? I hope you don't ask your other half to do things round the house. Sounds like he has had enough.

silverbubbles · 24/03/2022 09:46

Sounds like he has just had enough of your messy ways and is at the end of his tether. To be honest this is the sort of thing i threaten to the people in my house who just leave shoes and bags and clothing everywhere..... good for him for carrying out his threat!

If this was the other way round and you had hid his smelly sports kit that was constantly emptied on kitchen floor there would be more people cheering for you....

of course, if you are actually tidy / trying to be tidy and he is a maniac then thats a different kettle of fish!

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 24/03/2022 09:47

@LakieLady

But she says this is the tip of the iceberg. She leaves dirty dishes all over as well, and I'm guessing it does a lot more than that. So clothes, rubbish, whatever she has been using. It just gets left lieing behind her.

DomesticatedZombie · 24/03/2022 09:47

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
This.
stealthninjamum · 24/03/2022 09:47

Op you say you don’t wear makeup much so why do you need to have the bag out? Surely it can be put away? Or you could have two items out. I have a draw with organised boxes of makeup and then a couple of most commonly used items in my handbag. There’s no need for clutter.

I am closer to your husbands side because he never put anything away and every surface would be cluttered. Even my teenage daughter brings mugs downstairs.

RosiePosieDozy · 24/03/2022 09:48

I think it's controlling tbh. I am a very tired person and if I was him, I wouldn't like you leaving your makeup bag out like that. But everyone has different ideas, some leave things on show like this and some prefer to put things out of sight. A makeup bag is not offensive. Your DH's opinion seems like it's the only one that matters. He doesn't like the bag left out so he's decided it shouldn't be left out. Doesn't matter what you think and how you want to live.

It probably is the straw that broke the camel's back but I think he chose the wrong staw here.

WetLookKnitwear · 24/03/2022 09:48

I get resentful about having to fritter away MY time tidying things away (think cups left around including on the surface above an empty dishwasher).. that time all adds up and l deserve free time as much as my DH. So I can understand the frustration.

BUT he absolutely shouldn’t have hidden the makeup bag. A better way would have been to sit down and start a conversation saying look it’s really getting me down how I have to pick up after you… and go from there.

I think you should expect him to apologise for his childish stunt but also realise that something needs to change- you need to compromise. Maybe set some rules.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 24/03/2022 09:49

You are both BU.

Use the facial filter on your zoom meeting. Apologise to your OH and mend your ways.

Similarly he needs to stop treating you like a teenager.

RoastedFerret · 24/03/2022 09:50

Why does he get to decide where the male up bag lives though? Why is in the cupboard the right place for it but on the counter isn't? I'd be pissed off. If he wants it in the cupboard he can put it there but he doesn't get to dictate where everything goes. There is nothing wrong with a make up bag on the counter.

viques · 24/03/2022 09:50

I would be rootling through his tidy spaces looking for my make up bag, and I wouldn’t be de rootling the mess afterwards…….

aSofaNearYou · 24/03/2022 09:50

Where is he now? Can you contact him and ask him where it is? I would think little of this if it were a fairly lighthearted thing and you could just ask and he would say "yeah it's in x", but it's a bit strange and controlling if he's being serious and wouldn't tell you where it was.

SarahBellam · 24/03/2022 09:50

It’s obviously doing his head in. You know it does his head in.

thenewduchessoflapland · 24/03/2022 09:51

It's a really shitty thing for him to do though;he'll know she needs to look professional on a work zoom meeting and for her makeup is part of her personal preference for her professional look.

It's actually something she needs;she uses it daily.

It's also controlling;don't do this or I'll as a threat is controlling;hiding it is controlling.The OP is an adult not a child leaving toys all over the floor.

Is the makeup everywhere?;doesn't sound like it is;is leaving a makeup bag in a certain place in the bathroom a bad thing?no.

It sounds as though he's decided it should be hidden out of sight so he's hidden it to teach the OP a lesson.

I live with a DH with OCD.He'd prefer the house to be spotless and everything neatly put away.That's not happening;there's 4 kids including children with additional needs,4 pets one of which is his messy shedding large dog and he doesn't do any housework or tidying up;that's left to me.

He tried chucking his toys out of the pushchair about it;I stopped doing his laundry and told him to start doing it himself (and I've refused ever since) and then he came home one day and laid into me saying he expects to come back to a clean tidy house and told me I was lazy.

I told him he was a CF as he doesn't lift a finger and made an appointment with a solicitor and started to get my ducks in a row;he absolutely shit himself and funnily enough decided he was going to stop being a dickhead.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/03/2022 09:51

Is it not your house as well OP? He doesn't get to decide that things have to always be put in a place, if he doesn't like it, that's one of those things. I would be hiding something of his, see how he likes it.

Weekendtobegin · 24/03/2022 09:52

@ChicCroissant I noticed that.

The headline for that article was pure click bait, as you read on it became clear that their marriage ended over much more than dirty glasses.

The bloke wasn't sharing an equal load with housework or stuff like remembering forms for his sons nursery, he admitted to making a big mess on the floors she'd just mopped, all this despite his wife also working a 40 hour week.

It's never 'just' about the dirty cups or the discarded make up bag.

stealthninjamum · 24/03/2022 09:52

Oh bugger my post doesn’t make sense.

I meant to say I’m close to your husbands view because my exhusband never put anything away and our surfaces were full of crap. Even my teenager tidies dirty mugs away.

EatYourVegetables · 24/03/2022 09:52

As I’m THIS close to getting a bin liner and putting all the toys from the floor, socks on the bannisters, books on the sofa, bits of paper on the fireplace, things to fix permanently parked on the kitchen table, trousers under the bed, coffee cups everywhere, etc, etc into the bin liner and tell DH and DCs that they’re all hidden until they start bloody cleaning up after themselves, I’m with your DH. The only reason there is no make up everywhere is that I’m the only grown woman in the house and the only one who tidies up after herself. It’s infuriating.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 24/03/2022 09:55

It's really annoying living with someone who leaves stuff lying everywhere when there's a place for it to go. I don't buy the 'oh I can't possibly remember to put it away' bullshit. Of course you can.

But if your response is to post on MN rather than calling your DH and asking him where it is, then I think you're probably quite annoying to live with, in other ways too.

Mariposista · 24/03/2022 09:55

It’s very childish but both of you need to compromise here. If it’s really bugging him that much just saying ‘I’m a messy person’ is not fair. Find a solution like adults that works for you both, he shouldn’t have to put up with clutter and you should be able to have access to your own things

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/03/2022 09:55

I fail to see why a make up bag is clutter. Its a perfectly normal item to leave out. Make up strewn everywhere is different.

Does he put his razor, foam, toothbrush and paste etc away?

SoupDragon · 24/03/2022 09:55

If you were the one who (after several conversations and a warning) had hidden something that belonged to your messy DH, posters would be falling over themselves to congratulate you, say he is a huge man child and tell you to LTB

MyAnacondaMight · 24/03/2022 09:56

It’s not like I do it on purpose, it’s entirely unconscious. It’s like my brain has ticked the box saying “put on make up” as soon as the make up is on my face and it’s moved on to the next thing.

Do you remember to close the fridge door after taking something out? And to put the lid back on the mascara? Or is that different because those things benefit you, whereas you don’t care about the impact of your mess on your husband?

I can’t get excited about a make up bag left lying around, but everyone has different things that drive them to distraction. This is clearly his. Every time you leave it out (and the cups, and everything else), you’re saying “fuck you” to your husband.

HorseInTheHouse · 24/03/2022 09:56

I think it is disrespectful to leave a mess around when someone you live with has told you that it bothers them.

It's quite childish to hide items but I agree that if the situation was reversed people on here would be encouraging you to do similarly childish things. It is difficult for you to be tidy because of the way your brain works, but are you even making an effort? Even if you can't tidy as you go, like naturally tidy people can, you can set aside a certain time to go around and consciously tidy up after yourself. I am naturally messy and it doesn't come easily to me but when you live with other people you should be making an effort to keep it a nice environment for everyone.

I agree you should read this: www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288