DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

i’d lose my shizzle over that! Haha my husband wouldn’t know what’s hit him if he even tried! Controlling behaviour and out of order by your husband

do you WANT to keep your makeup bag on the counter top and he's just decided it should be 'put away' or is the place its actual designated spot that you have given it?

I cannot stand this idea that the 'tidy' persons wishes and desires should trump everyone elses.

My ExH used to do this shit... 'that doesn't belong there' or 'why is this here?' because i fucking put it there dickhead..

Last i checked, you live in the house too right? So put/leave your things where its most convenient for you, not 'tidy' for him.

There’s only so many times you can tell someone to stop being such a lazy git.

If the sexes where reversed the responses would be so different!

@EatYourVegetables

As I’m THIS close to getting a bin liner and putting all the toys from the floor, socks on the bannisters, books on the sofa, bits of paper on the fireplace, things to fix permanently parked on the kitchen table, trousers under the bed, coffee cups everywhere, etc, etc into the bin liner and tell DH and DCs that they’re all hidden until they start bloody cleaning up after themselves, I’m with your DH. The only reason there is no make up everywhere is that I’m the only grown woman in the house and the only one who tidies up after herself. It’s infuriating.

Do it. Even better start a thread about it because apparently it's ollnly OK for a women to do this. If you were a man however you would be controlling, a dick, have OCD, need teaching a lesson etc.

Honestly anyone thinking leaving all your crap for someone else to tidy or believing it's not your job to even wash up or clean up your dirty pots just because the OP is a women needs to give their head a wobble.

Urghh honestly cant stand pathetic people like this, your husband is a prat

In your position I would

1. turn the house upside down looking for the make-up bag and leave the mess for him to clean up
2. tell him he's right, everything should have a designated place and you have decided that the countertop is the designated place for your make-up bag
3. attend the Zoom meeting without make-up. It is not compulsory.

@Weekendtobegin

That was the whole point. At the time of their marriage, in his head, he thought it was just a few things and a bit if mess so who cares. It wasnt a big deal and his wife was unreasonable. It took a divorce and a lot of self reflection for him to realise that it wasnt just a few cups. It was an entire attitude.

The OP probably needs to have the same self reflection and realisation.

Apologise to your OH and mend your ways.

Are you actually joking?

OP has the choice of putting her make up bag in a convenient cupboard or leaving it lying around.

OP's DH has repeatedly asked her to put it away as it annoys him and she has persistently ignored him.

DH threatened to hide the bag if she left it out, now he has.

OP could have avoided this by putting the bag in the cupboard. How much time and effort does that take?

I'm with DH on this one.

I agree with PP about the sexism in this. DH is sharing responsibility for the household chores and is being criticised for it.

My DH broke my straighteners because I kept leaving them on! He also takes photos of my shoes that I leave around the house. He is tidy I am not.

Hi OP, I imagine because your husband has been asking for a long time, he feels you don't care that your messiness upsets him. You admit it's the thin edge of the wedge. If you do have a challenge like ADHD, and remembering to be tidy as you go isn't realistic for you, there are other ways to lessen the impact on your husband. How about setting aside times, everyday, to actively tidy away, as your one and only focus.10 mins before bath, bed, breakfast etc. Make a list to follow ie, cups, clothes, make up, and go round focusing on the one thing at a time, ticking off the jobs. Explain you are doing this to your DH. Ask him to remind you if needed and don't be arsey if he does so nicely. He might then feel you are then trying to make the house better. Be open about your difficulties and seek support if you really think there is an underlying cause, other than laziness or don't care. If he's still an arse, when you make consistent, maintained effort, that's another situation to look at. I'm sure you'll look fine, with hair done, tinted moisturiser and mascara. Are you sure you don't have a lippy in the car, a pocket or a bag? (Given your habit of not putting things away 🤣). Failing that, just keep thinking, I look gorgeous 😍

This is a MN post you can't win. People will say it's your fault. Other people will say he's being petty. Other people would compare it to not following through when you warn teenage kids about 'consequences.

Try and retrain your brain to be a bit more considerate when it comes to leaving make-up and cups everywhere.

I'm with your DH on this one. It would drive me nuts to live with someone so messy

Assuming you’ve asked him where it is and he won’t tell you, I would empty out every single drawer and cupboard in the house to look for the make up bag (and not tidy up the mess afterwards!).

Must be sexism and the OP's DH is entirely reasonable if she has repeatedly ignored his instruction to put her make up bag away. Might be interesting if he follows her instructions about much or whether the instructions and control flow more in one direction.

I mean .... I'm super petty. I'd find something of his (deodourant/shaver up to gaming console if supremely pissed off) and hide that too, and move around some of his neatly ordered stuff. If its alphebatised all the better. Don't mention the make up bag. Then when he can't find said item and asks you if you've seen it or asks why his stuff is no longer in order innocently say you've lost your make up bag and it all probably got moved while you were tearing the place up looking for it. I guess you were so panicked due to your meeting to just didn't have the capacity to remember how to put things back 🤷‍♀️

Is he your dad?

I wouldn't tell either a man or woman that they should punish a messy spouse like a naughty child by hiding something. It's not something me or my late dh ever did to each other.

Is anyone else getting Sleeping with the Enemy vibes?

As a once untidy person who has learned to be tidy because DH is tidy, I think it’s unfair to leave your makeup bag out when there is a designated space for it.

I’m not sure I condone hiding the bag but could it be that he feels he’s not listened to about how the home is kept .. that there is a lack of compromise perhaps?

Imo a tidy home is important ( I had to learn how to be tidy) not only from a comfort point of view but finding things, basic organisation etc… we had many arguments about housework and tidiness when we moved in together and as much as it pains me DH was right … plus it’s easier to be tidy but it is a learned behaviour.

I think this episode could be a little more serious because presumably he feels ignored in his own home and now your personal item has been deliberately hidden to ‘ punish’ you…. I think a big talk is in order or you may find other areas of your relationship like listening and compromise being seriously undermined.

@Bumtum126

He has put up with it for 20 years now has had enough. Tidy up , it's not hard if you can be arsed.

If women hid men's property for the crime of untidiness, the world would come to a standstill.

I don’t think a makeup bag on a worktop is messy though. Cups, yes.

Makeup needs to be easily accessible so your ‘tools’ (in manspeak) are to hand. I don’t want to be fishing it out of a cupboard on a daily basis.

@GoIntoTheLight

He is unreasonable for his childish approach.

^ This. But he did warn you and you left it again. I would go mad! It’s ok for ten minutes but then I’d explode! It’s not proper mess, it’s just tubes and palettes.

09:59Tuaca - that's a whole other level. I really hope your life is happier and safer than this suggests 🚩

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@LakieLady

But she says this is the tip of the iceberg. She leaves dirty dishes all over as well, and I'm guessing it does a lot more than that. So clothes, rubbish, whatever she has been using. It just gets left lieing behind her.[/quote]
Dirty dishes all over the place is a different matter imo. A make-up bag on a bathroom worktop is a perfectly legitimate place for it to be imo, and hiding it is just childish.

Mind you, I leave mugs on the side. I have to scour them to get the worst of the tea stains off before they go in the dishwasher, or they come out still stained. It doesn't seem worth putting the rubber gloves on and running hot water every time I have a cup of tea, so I wait till there are a few.