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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
PeacefulPrune · 24/03/2022 09:29

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it.

Wtf?! Why does he get to dictate where it goes. Don't promise him you'll try to put it away. Tell him that where it goes is where you leave it.

MarinoRoyale · 24/03/2022 09:29

Why does he get to decide how pristine e your bathroom is? I’d be fuming and unless he told me where it was immediately I’d be making sure I similarly inconvenienced him with something he needed at some point soon.

JovialNickname · 24/03/2022 09:30

I'm really puzzled by some of the responses and even by the fact that leaving make up out is "wrong" in some way! For me a make up bag isn't even an item to be put away, it's something that lives next to the sink/on a dressing table. I'm stunned that there's lots of people on here who feel it's worthy of an actual punishment/theft of property! Aside to that, who the fuck does he think he is unilaterally imposing arbitrary rules and then stealing your property when you don't abide by his made up batshit rules.

Tlollj · 24/03/2022 09:30

I couldn’t live with anyone untidy or messy. I bet the make up bag is the tip of the iceberg. Put your stuff away after you’ve finished using it.

Bumtum126 · 24/03/2022 09:30

But, if the sexes were reversed on this one and a dh had repeatedly left an item lying around making a mess then plenty of people on mumsnet would be encouraging the woman to hide it/bin it or whatever else.

Yep

SkankingMopoke · 24/03/2022 09:31

He is being utterly U and childish. He seems to expect you to totally bend to fit how he wants the house to be without compromise. I agree with PPs that a zipped up bag on the side isn't mess or causing a problem. Messy would be items scattered across the worktops. Do you have DCs? How does he/will he cope with them? DCs have rarely read the manual on how to maintain a show home...

I would also meet this with childishness and hide something important of his. Then once the annoyance of having it happen to him has sunk in, both people's things can be returned (like a hostage swap on a bridge) along with a discussion on compromise and it being a home for both of you.

Gizacluethen · 24/03/2022 09:32

He shouldn't have hidden. I'd have thrown it. Roles are reversed here. I'm so sick of cleaning up after him and putting his stuff away. He's not a child. He just doesn't care. You're not a child, put your stuff away or it will get lost or damaged.

Beees · 24/03/2022 09:32

Agree with others that it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back. You leave your make up bag out, don't tidy up your cups and you also probably leave lots of other messes knowing he will sort it out and clean up after you.

If this was reversed and it was your DH leaving chaos in his wake and just brushing it off with a jovial I'm a messy person he would have got his arse handed to him.

You need to find strategies that work to help compromise on keeping the house orderly, it's not his job to keep on top of your clutter.

toomuchlaundry · 24/03/2022 09:33

Also there would be sympathy if the wife had to put up with dirty cups etc being left everywhere and posters would be telling her not to clear them away, stop doing the washing, cooking etc for their partner

Bumtum126 · 24/03/2022 09:33

Aside to that, who the fuck does he think he is unilaterally imposing arbitrary rules and then stealing your property when you don't abide by his made up batshit rules.

Lol , tidying up is batshit Grin

Lou98 · 24/03/2022 09:34

@SkankingMopoke OP isn't compromising either, from her replies it seems pretty obvious that she isn't even trying to put stuff away. She has said that also leaves cups etc scattered on the work tops and that the makeup bag is the tip of the iceberg with her messiness. It doesn't mean you want your home to be a show home to not have mess constantly left around by an adult

TheChurchOfEli · 24/03/2022 09:34

His actions were childish and not really ok considering he left the house and left you high and dry, so he does need to apologise for that.

However, living with a messy person when you’re a tidy person is fucking draining. It’s not about “being an adult and leaving things where you want in your own home” as it sounds like OP is far messier than just a make up bag on a counter. As an adult in a relationship you need to compromise which I think a lot of people on MN forget to do. It’s pointless trying to live constantly agreeing to someone else’s ways. Sit down, have a chat about ways to work around it. Because the pathetic passive aggressive suggestions of hiding his keys isn’t going to get you anywhere.

luxxlisbon · 24/03/2022 09:34

This clearly isn’t about a makeup bag, it is about OP being constantly messy day to day. A makeup bag is one thing but it isn’t just that, loads of used dirty dishes everywhere is grim imo and your husband is obviously just over having to tidy up after her.

Absolutely if this was OP having to clear her husbands crap up all day every day the comments would be very different.

He was childish and wrong to hide your stuff, but you need to make a bigger effort to tidy up after yourself when you share a home with someone. Saying you just forget and will continue to do so isn’t reasonable either.

Maggiesgirl · 24/03/2022 09:35

Don't you think leaving it there everyday when you know he hates it is just disrespecting his feelings about it.

If it was the other way around and a man was leaving his things around MN would be up in arms.

Just open the bloody door and put it away for gucks sake.

I would have hidden it as well.

TigerLilyTail · 24/03/2022 09:35

I don't think the OP is expecting her husband to clean up her make up bag for her though. She's happy to leave it on the side.

He's an arsehole!

SeasonFinale · 24/03/2022 09:36

He is being a twat. If he is tidy and you are not and it is that important to him he just pops it on the cupboard below where you expected him to have put it.

Instead he is punishing you like a child.

Personally I would pop out quickly (local chemist) and buy a whole set of new makeup and tell him what he owes you as you needed ot for a work call if he won't say where it is.

I assume you have checked he hasn't been such a dick to throw it away in the bin.

Sofiegiraffe · 24/03/2022 09:37

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it.

He "warned" you. Strange and controlling behaviour. I'd be furious with him for doing this.

GraceandMolly · 24/03/2022 09:38

I think YABU. If he’s asked you many times, you disrespecting him for not tidying after yourself the same way as leaving dishes next to the dishwasher. You see many of those threads here and everybody seems to be attacking the lazy arse husband when they don’t tidy after themselves.

Cakeandcardio · 24/03/2022 09:39

Very controlling behaviour. I'm sure he does things you don't like but he seems to think he's perfect and if you don't do as you are told, he will bully you? I would be livid with this. Take his car keys as a pp suggested. What an absolute dick.

Clymene · 24/03/2022 09:39

@GraceandMolly

I think YABU. If he’s asked you many times, you disrespecting him for not tidying after yourself the same way as leaving dishes next to the dishwasher. You see many of those threads here and everybody seems to be attacking the lazy arse husband when they don’t tidy after themselves.
Disrespect? Bloody hell
SkankingMopoke · 24/03/2022 09:39

[quote Lou98]@SkankingMopoke OP isn't compromising either, from her replies it seems pretty obvious that she isn't even trying to put stuff away. She has said that also leaves cups etc scattered on the work tops and that the makeup bag is the tip of the iceberg with her messiness. It doesn't mean you want your home to be a show home to not have mess constantly left around by an adult [/quote]
Her compromise is that she puts the makeup tidily away in a bag on the side. She lives there too, and leaving it out is no less reasonable than his want to put it in the cupboard.
I suspect her 'cups everywhere ' comment was tongue in cheek.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 24/03/2022 09:40

What is the side? Have you a counter in your bathroom? Or does it impede him when he's shaving or doing his own make up or brushing teeth or whatever? I ask because we've only got a sink so if dh started leaving stuff on it, or on top of the wash basket or on the toilet cistern it drives me crazy because there's no space.

MrsGHarrison87 · 24/03/2022 09:40

@Bumtum126

He has put up with it for 20 years now has had enough. Tidy up , it's not hard if you can be arsed.
I'm sure he's not perfect himself and has his own little faults that OP puts up with unless he's absolutely perfect himself. I think this is a horrible controlling thing to do. If he's not going to give you it back, start cutting up his favourite clothes.
underneaththeash · 24/03/2022 09:40

I do the same with DH's stuff, it gets put away (rather than hidden) but not usually in the same place.

It's really annoying/selfish/inconsiderate having to tidy up after a grown person who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves.

parietal · 24/03/2022 09:40

He needs to learn that having a make-up bag out on the side is not messy - it is just a normal way to do things. Not everything needs to be put away perfectly and not every home needs to look like a show-home all the time.

why is he trying to control how you live in your own house?