DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

@TigerLilyTail

I don't think the OP is expecting her husband to clean up her make up bag for her though. She's happy to leave it on the side.

He's an arsehole!

Just as she's happy to leave her dirty cups on the side and everything else she leaves around as she's said "that's just the tip of the iceberg" with her messiness. Why should the Husband need to put up living in a constant mess because the OP is happy to leave stuff lying around?

He was wrong to hide the bag but they both need to compromise, he can't be expecting everything to be pristine all the time but equally the OP can't be expecting to just leave mess everywhere (and she's said that she will continue to do so, so definitely isn't compromising) - it works both ways when you live with somebody

I think that there are certain requests that are reasonable such as 'please stop leaving the fridge ajar' or 'please hoover up mud you've tracked in' (me and my DH respective bad habits...) but if one person is more anal about tidying then the other, I don't believe they get to dictate levels unless the stuff is literally in their way, like on the stairs or some other hazard. Otherwise, why does your need for tidy trump how others want to live in their home? If a makeup bag on the side is offensive to you and noone else, then you put it away, don't make controlling demands that others acquiesce to your every desire.

Op, is it really that hard to just put the make up bag back in the cupboard?!

The sexism is rife on this thread.

There are probably more than a thousand threads on mumsnet with the sexes reversed. The OP is a woman complaining about her husband just leaving things lieing around behind him; cups, sweet wrappers, hobby stuff, dirty clothes, whatever. And everytime, she is told to dump his stuff on his side of the bed or put it all in a bin bag for him to search through when he needs stuff.

But when the woman is the slob, everyone tells her it is totally OK because it is her house too.

@AttackCat
Have you ever read the article called "my divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink."
You should.

You also need to grow up and tidy up after yourself because your husband has had enough. it's really nasty of you to make him tidy up after you because you simply wont do it, it shows so little respect for him, your home and your partnership. You take for granted that he will just clean up your mess. It's really not a good way to treat your partner and he has had enough.

Every woman on here complaining about this stuff has been told to hide his things, put them into the bin etc. The only reason people are aiding with you is sexism, because on mumsnet, the man is always wrong. So dont use this thread or the poll on is as justification for how you behave. If you were a man, you'd rightly have your arse handed to you.

He shouldn’t of hidden it. You can’t help being messy, just like he can’t help being tidy. I’m the tidy one in my house and my dh is the messy one. We are all wired differently, but why is it always the tidy one who is right? I need to remind myself to chill out a bit at the mess sometimes as much as my dh needs to understand that I like to keep things tidy.

@SkankingMopoke she hasn't said she's putting it away tidily in the bag though has she? I asked that further up. She said she uses it and leaves the bag there but hasn't confirmed whether it's put away in the bag or not.

I don't think the leaving the cups on the worktops was tongue in cheek at all - read her replies, it's clear she's messy and intends to keep doing so

I'm quite precious about my make up bag, its one of my most personal items. Whilst I reserve the right to leave it out if I want to in my own home, because let's face it there are greater sins, if someone deliberately hid it from me to teach me a lesson to be tidy I would feel belittled and angry. This is a punishment for a child, albeit not a pleasant one, not an adult. He sounds controlling and unpleasant, I can imagine him laughing with his workmates about teaching the untidy wife a lesson.

The make up bag itself doesn’t sound like it was particularly untidy. But I live with a very untidy person and it is mentally exhausting, he drops things where he uses them, never puts anything away, will leave things on top of the dishwasher rather than spend an extra second putting them in etc. I haven’t don’t it yet, but I have often said, if you do not get this mess cleared up by tomorrow I will be binning the lot. Your husband has followed through.

Remarkably similar post to an online article today in the DM, with the sexes reversed, what a coincidence

To summarise the article, the relationship failed because he valued putting the item down where he wanted, rather than take a few seconds more and not irritate his partner.

Why can't your make up bag live on the bathroom counter?
Why does your husband think it's ok to discipline you when you don't comply with his rules?

Start taking his stuff out of cupboards and leave it on surfaces. He clearly thinks that kind of behaviour is fine, so he can't complain.

sorry i dont like mind games like this all he had to do was put itin the cupboard underneath if it bothered him

In a couple of weeks, when he's forgotten about this, hide all his trousers.

It's childish, but so's he. And it's only a make-up bag, ffs, it's not like you've left your clothes all over the place.

If this thread was saying “my husband is messy, repeatedly leaves cups everywhere and leaves his wash bag out on the side when I’ve asked him not to”, the replies would be all

LTB
throw his wash bag out the window! Etc etc

I voted YABU because you agreed multiple times to put it away and didn't. My OH does this all the time, agrees to something then goes off his merry way and doesn't do it. Either stand your ground and say you've a right to leave your makeup bag wherever you like, and deal with his reaction, or put the bloody thing away like you agreed.

@AttackCat be honest, do you just leave your makeup bag out, or do you leave your makeup scattered around the sink?

start cutting up his favourite clothes.

I do wonder how some people on here manage to maintain relationships in their real lives.

@TheChurchOfEli I think you are so right.

I've lived with an obsessively tidy person and it is miserable, but it's also miserable to live with a very messy person who just doesn't care.

It's impossible to tell which this is. Compromise is often needed on both sides. We don't need to live in a show home, but it's unfair if one person if forever doing all the cleaning and tidying up and always having to clear up someone discarded stuff.

@apintofwine

If this thread was saying “my husband is messy, repeatedly leaves cups everywhere and leaves his wash bag out on the side when I’ve asked him not to”, the replies would be all

LTB
throw his wash bag out the window! Etc etc

And this.

You can’t help being messy, just like he can’t help being tidy.

Of course you can help being messy not removing dirty cups or cleaning up after yourself is a conscious choice often made because you know someone else will do it for you if you leave it long enough.

Literally no one would ever say this if the thread was regarding a man leaving a mess everywhere.

I actually think this depends on how you respond when he moans.

If you say "I can leave my make up bag where I want. It's not in your way." he's being unreasonable.

If you say "you're right, I need to try and remember to put it away as it does look messy" then it's not a huge issue because you've told him you agree with him.

Your DH seems petty on the face of it. But it seems you tend to make a mess and leave a lot of stuff all over the place and "can't" remember to put things away. Not great - place looks a mess and when anyone cleans they have to start by tidying which take much longer.

So I think YABU, you shouldn't leave stuff all over the place.

Maybe the OP is trying to see what the reaction would be if the sexes were reversed, and embarrassingly many of the responses are different to what they would be if it was the man being messy

I would be beyond livid if my bloke did that to me. Ring him up and demand it back with a few swear words and have a conversation when he gets in about being treated like a little kid.

Maybe a little stand alone with drawers to keep makeup on as a compromise for future but a proper come to Jesus conversation about hiding shit.

My bloke is an everything on counters and on display type of person. I'm a clear counters and shit put away type of person and never would I hide stuff to teach him a lesson. Because I'm not a cock.

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

The sexism is rife on this thread.

There are probably more than a thousand threads on mumsnet with the sexes reversed. The OP is a woman complaining about her husband just leaving things lieing around behind him; cups, sweet wrappers, hobby stuff, dirty clothes, whatever. And everytime, she is told to dump his stuff on his side of the bed or put it all in a bin bag for him to search through when he needs stuff.

But when the woman is the slob, everyone tells her it is totally OK because it is her house too.

@AttackCat
Have you ever read the article called "my divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink."
You should.

You also need to grow up and tidy up after yourself because your husband has had enough. it's really nasty of you to make him tidy up after you because you simply wont do it, it shows so little respect for him, your home and your partnership. You take for granted that he will just clean up your mess. It's really not a good way to treat your partner and he has had enough.

Every woman on here complaining about this stuff has been told to hide his things, put them into the bin etc. The only reason people are aiding with you is sexism, because on mumsnet, the man is always wrong. So dont use this thread or the poll on is as justification for how you behave. If you were a man, you'd rightly have your arse handed to you.

This is exactly what I was thinking. If this was a bloke who'd been asked repeatedly by his wife to tidy up behind himself and still didn't, she'd be told to ltb.

That said he shouldn't have hidden it. But if he's asked a million times and nothing changes, he's probably reacted in the heat of the moment (not that that makes it okay either btw).