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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 26/03/2022 11:59

@roundtable

Funny that op and her DH have moved on from makeup bag gate but posters on the thread haven't!
Lol, that’s because the thread has moved beyond the OP and her DH and has turned into a bun fight between tidy and untidy people.

I’m not a house proud person at all, so clutter in the bathroom wouldn’t bother me. But it does annoy me that my DH puts dirty mugs and dishes in the sink rather than in the dishwasher.

MuggleMadness · 26/03/2022 12:09

@AttackCat

There's only about 6 posts on this thread then they're regurgitated! Simply because hardly anyone actually reads a thread anymore. If they can't remember to read a thread, they have no right to nag at you!! Very bloody frustrating!!

I'm glad you & DH aren't bothered about the makeup bag situation & have moved on to present gate instead!!

Too many factors unknown to wade into present gate, but it's a lovely day, go out & choose one together & have a great time at the party!

Then maybe tomorrow, have a proper chat with DH about tidy/not tidy/things that matter a lot (to him) cups maybe & things that matter less (makeup bag) & ADHD etc. make sure things are sorted so the next 20 years is just as good and he doesn't reach his 'cups by the dishwasher' moment 🌸

user1496146479 · 26/03/2022 12:48

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

The sexism is rife on this thread.

There are probably more than a thousand threads on mumsnet with the sexes reversed. The OP is a woman complaining about her husband just leaving things lieing around behind him; cups, sweet wrappers, hobby stuff, dirty clothes, whatever. And everytime, she is told to dump his stuff on his side of the bed or put it all in a bin bag for him to search through when he needs stuff.

But when the woman is the slob, everyone tells her it is totally OK because it is her house too.

@AttackCat
Have you ever read the article called "my divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink."
You should.

You also need to grow up and tidy up after yourself because your husband has had enough. it's really nasty of you to make him tidy up after you because you simply wont do it, it shows so little respect for him, your home and your partnership. You take for granted that he will just clean up your mess. It's really not a good way to treat your partner and he has had enough.

Every woman on here complaining about this stuff has been told to hide his things, put them into the bin etc. The only reason people are aiding with you is sexism, because on mumsnet, the man is always wrong. So dont use this thread or the poll on is as justification for how you behave. If you were a man, you'd rightly have your arse handed to you.

Totally agree with this! Yes he phrasing of 'warning OP' probably isn't the best, but the double standards on this is crazy!
crispmidnightpeace · 26/03/2022 15:02

Me and my other half are the opposite. It drives me insane that he just leaves things out when I strive all day every day to keep a tidy and clean home and every thing he leaves out that he has got out and could easily put back adds time onto my day and adds stress.

I've tried to counsel myself out of it but each incident makes me seethe. When he leaves stuff around the home it's saying 'you can just add that to your tidying routine/clean around that, move it to clean it, I don't give two shits about how long you spend or how much effort you take to keep our home liveable'

So that's something like what he feels I suppose (although I automatically doubt he takes responsibility for the cleaning and tidying?)

I would never hide his things though, because that's out of order.

crispmidnightpeace · 26/03/2022 15:10

@Bumtum126

He has put up with it for 20 years now has had enough. Tidy up , it's not hard if you can be arsed.
Both parties deserve equal enjoyment of their home. Both should make the effort. My other half needs to be more tidy, and I don't do things that would annoy him. I have to close all windows and put heating on when he is on the way home from work because I like an airy home and he likes a hotbox. I do it for him even though I don't enjoy the environment. When he's not there I can do what I like.

Marriage is about compromise and I think you should make an effort to stop doing things that annoy him. Clutter can drive some people insane, I know, I am one of those people.

But he was wrong to hide it, but I can see where his frustration comes from.

crispmidnightpeace · 26/03/2022 16:40

@Chloemol

YANBU. He’s being extremely childish

I would ask for it back now, if he refuses then I would simply take all his stuff out of the wardrobe, Putin bin bags and hide that

Then I wouldn’t tell him where it is, he can go to work in the same climbers for the next few days

He's being childish.... so you be childish too.
Ikeptgoing · 26/03/2022 19:08

For the PPs that don't realise it was resolved 2 days ago... OP wrote

We’ve moved on now to “why was it my job to buy the birthday present when I wasn’t the one who was invited to the party?”, if anyone wants to weigh in on that one

Well I spoke to DH when he got back from the school run. Asked him where the make up bag was, he told me. I rolled my eyes at him, he rolled his eyes at me, we laughed about it and moved on. This is how somehow, despite being chalk and cheese, we are still together after 20 years!…. I think it was a bit cheeky for him to move it

We’ve moved on now to “why was it my job to buy the birthday present when I wasn’t the one who was invited to the party?”, if anyone wants to weigh in on that one

Well I spoke to DH when he got back from the school run. Asked him where the make up bag was, he told me. I rolled my eyes at him, he rolled his eyes at me, we laughed about it and moved on. This is how somehow, despite being chalk and cheese, we are still together after 20 years!…. I think it was a bit cheeky for him to move it ... (then OP talks about more banter etc)
^
So folks- how about you weigh in on the who buys present issue , because everything being said here now was said over the first umpteen pages ....^ Grin

Ikeptgoing · 26/03/2022 19:08

Whoops I cut and paste copied it twice!!! Soz

AryaStarkWolf · 26/03/2022 21:36

Who's party is it? Whoever's friend relative it is should by buying the present

Mojoj · 26/03/2022 21:42

I have some sympathy for your partner. No-one likes constantly tidying up after a messy person that leaves all their shit in their wake. Tidy up after yourself!

grannieali · 26/03/2022 22:22

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up. I had a husband and rwo sons so I know what I am talking about.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/03/2022 22:28

YANBU-I'd be fuming. However might start hiding DH things 😂

Snoozysnoozy · 27/03/2022 06:47

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up.

You need it up, we need it down. You're a big girl you can operate the toilet seat all by yourself. Quite why women believe that the seat should always be down I don't know

merrymelodies · 27/03/2022 06:52

How controlling of him. What's it to him anyway? You're an adult, do as you damn well please.

YetiTeri · 27/03/2022 07:01

@Snoozysnoozy

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up.

You need it up, we need it down. You're a big girl you can operate the toilet seat all by yourself. Quite why women believe that the seat should always be down I don't know

Because it has A LID. You put the lid down to flush so wee doesn't get splashed outside of the pan. If you're hygienic the seat can't be left up.

FFS why is that so poorly understood, people's bathrooms must be rank.

Holothane · 27/03/2022 07:04

I’d hit the roof if my ester Lauder bag went missing not only my creams but a bag a puffer bag as well my one I want a lipstick next.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 07:13

@grannieali

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up. I had a husband and rwo sons so I know what I am talking about.
Not the males I know well.
Fairislefandango · 27/03/2022 07:18

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up.

You need it up, we need it down. You're a big girl you can operate the toilet seat all by yourself. Quite why women believe that the seat should always be down I don't know.

Well, given that it's now pretty common knowledge that toilets should be flushed with the lid down, leaving the seat up shouldn't really be happening anyway.

Snoozysnoozy · 27/03/2022 07:22

Because it has A LID

But that's rarely the argument

YetiTeri · 27/03/2022 07:27

@Snoozysnoozy

Because it has A LID

But that's rarely the argument

It shouldn't even be an argument.
dudsville · 27/03/2022 07:28

You have got to learn how to live in a world with others.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 08:28

@Snoozysnoozy

Nobody has brought up the universal habit of ALL men of leave the lavatory seat up.

You need it up, we need it down. You're a big girl you can operate the toilet seat all by yourself. Quite why women believe that the seat should always be down I don't know

Im glad someone else said this, I thought I was the only one.

So all women leave the seat down but I have never heard a man complain that the seat is always down and they have to put it up, yet women complain that they have to put the seat down, why?

blinkbonny · 27/03/2022 08:42

I think this is really interesting. I live with an Uber-tidy DH who has been known to lose his rag over the filter water jug being put back to the left of the sink rather than the right, "where it belongs". There is no special jug-shaped hole that would decree there is only one place it can sit, but in my DH's head there is a right place and a wrong place. He simply cannot compute that a regularly-used object could occupy a different place at different times. And while I'm all for efficiency of things having a home so you're not constantly searching, equally I can't see the big deal on this point.

I think you would benefit from a calm conversation with your dh about what things 'should' have a home and where that is, and what things can have more flexibility! And how your stuff is your stuff so he should leave it alone unless it is physically inconveniencing him, which it doesn't sound like this is. I get that tidiness is important to him, but if he is getting to the point that his opinion of tidiness is more important than your ability to have your stuff how you want it, then that's not fair. There has to be compromise in both sides. That's what sharing a space with someone is.

Oh, and I think he's unreasonable to have hidden the bag such that you cannot find it. That's causing you undue stress and it's not up to him to 'punish' you for what he sees as your 'bad behaviour'. I'd for sure want to nip that in the bud, right now!

Snoozysnoozy · 27/03/2022 09:30

Yet women complain that they have to put the seat down, why?

Most reasons women come up with for this are bollocks.

aSofaNearYou · 27/03/2022 10:27

yet women complain that they have to put the seat down, why?

Because it is dirty and we don't want to touch it. It's designed to be down, you don't actually need it to be up you just choose to use it that way.