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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
Ilovesweets88 · 25/03/2022 19:36

That is well out of order, give him what for !

AllOfUsAreDead · 25/03/2022 19:36

@HELLITHURT could make it a pretty note

restingbitchface30 · 25/03/2022 19:41

You are in the wrong. Isn’t it funny if this was the other way round and the woman had done this to a man most people would tell the woman she was right and that he should have listened. He asked you repeatedly and told you what he would do. You still didn’t respect his wishes.

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 19:41

[quote AllOfUsAreDead]@HELLITHURT could make it a pretty note[/quote]
Yeah but it would be on the mirror or whatever, that might irritate him and he'd then have to take away sons of OPs screen time, or she'd have to sit on the naughty step. It's all too much for him to manage.

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 19:42

@Whatthefuck3456

Completely agree with your partner. I would have binned it for the pure boneidle of yourself
Yeah right, of course you would!
SomePosters · 25/03/2022 19:43

Wow. The game playing some people do with their spouses is nuts!

I often wonder if folk actually like their partners of just don’t realise they could make different choices

Burgoo · 25/03/2022 19:44

You are both being unreasonable. He has repeatedly (I assume) politely asked you to do one thing that he really would like. It sounds like a reasonable request - he doesn't like clutter. If he is constantly having to deal with your mess then at some point he will have enough.

At the same time he is being a bit petty. Does it take him any more than a few seconds to put it in the cupboard? Has he been specific with why he gets so annoyed by it? Does he control things in the house generally or is this one of his "things"? If he is controlling then that isn't okay. But if he is just wanting a bit of tidiness and every other area in his life is fairly uncontrolled then I'd give him this one thing.

I am actually rather impressed that he followed through with his threat to hide it. He is clearly trying to shape you to put it away in the future and the fact he did what he said he would is impressive.

What is it that you both actually want? Relationships are a two way street - you have to give to get back. What makes it so difficult to just put it away? You sound like you feel unreasonable in the original post so I suspect maybe this is an issue for you. Is it because you don't like doing what other people ask you to do? Do you feel controlled by him? Are you just mindless and inattentive (like me, I just don't think before I do things)?

aloris · 25/03/2022 19:46

"the woman’s stuff is rubbish and the man’s is important!"

That's what I was wondering. Her stuff is "clutter." His stuff "is there for a reason."

mellicauli · 25/03/2022 19:47

I don't think you are unreasonable: most things that are in daily use (toothpaste, soap, tea, coffee, shampoo, shower gel, washing up liquid, toilet paper) aren't put away, they stay out. If your make up is in daily use, you can leave it out. He doesn't get it because he doesn't use make up.

So I would get my revenge by tidying away - and i mean really tidy away - all the things above he uses on a daily basis so he knows what it's like.

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 19:49

@shssandhr that article is bollocks.

It's the little things like leaving a tea bag draining on the edge of the kitchen sink and saving slivers of soap so you can squish them together to make a new bar that keep marriages alive. Well, mine anyway and I won't hear anyone say differently.

I bet you sixpence the real reason his wife left him was because he didn't go down on her enough.

Kjpt140v · 25/03/2022 19:51

Zzzzzzzz

BlackeyedSusan · 25/03/2022 19:51

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
Yep this.
HettieHelvetica · 25/03/2022 20:00

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
This. And I say that as the tidy half of my relationship.
Squidlette · 25/03/2022 20:02

I would do this to my child.

Not to an adult, no matter how much it pissed me off. Because people are different.

I hate dh's beard. I really, really do. He hates my hair. We both just have to accept it.

SpidersAreShitheads · 25/03/2022 20:07

@NurseBernard

I'm also not sure why her husband gets to decide where she's allowed to leave her makeup bag.

He ‘gets to decide’ in the same way I get to decide that my family members can’t leave their dirty laundry scattered on the bedroom floor. They have to put it in the laundry basket.

FML - when men are messy and leave their shit places, whether it’s clothes or cutlery, hell hath no fury like the women of MN.

The solutions range from dumping it on his side of the bed (even if it’s dirty dishes), putting it in a bin bag, throwing it out (much worse than hiding it - after several warnings.

But when a women does it, and the man objects, he’s being ‘controlling’.

FML. I cannot believe I’m reduced to sticking up for the poor menz (I’m sure they all have ADHD too).

But seriously…. Confused

Dirty and unwashed clothes or used utensils are unhygienic and dirty.

A makeup bag on the side is neither. Many women keep their makeup bag on the side deliberately. A number of "tidy" people on this thread have said they don't see the issue with it.

If you can't see there's a difference between dirty washing being left on the floor and a tidy, make-up bag on the bathroom side, I don't know what else to say.

I don't understand the point you're making regarding ADHD and men, but I'm going to be kind and assuming you're not being an arsehole about ADHD.

NannaKaren · 25/03/2022 20:08

What a precious baby he has been ! Goodness I’d be furious !

rwalker · 25/03/2022 20:11

I'm with him

Capricornandproud · 25/03/2022 20:11

I’m with your DH. I divorced my ex-husband - generally a lazy wanker and untidy - because he walked dirty dishes as far as the dishwasher then left them on the worktop above it. Drives me nuts. However, is the make up neatly enclosed within the bag - or is your shite left out everywhere?

ThinWomansBrain · 25/03/2022 20:15

replace your make up and give hime the bill?
it's your home as much as his

ThinWomansBrain · 25/03/2022 20:16

plus, it's in a bag - that's tidy Grin

Leol · 25/03/2022 20:19

I don’t see why his preference trumps yours. Presumably you would rather keep your make up bag on the surface.

rwalker · 25/03/2022 20:23

@Leol

I don’t see why his preference trumps yours. Presumably you would rather keep your make up bag on the surface.
Forgot to put this is more than likely the straw that broke the camels back rather than just being about 1 make up bag.

OP say's she's messy and we're normally a lot worse than what we admit to

NurseBernard · 25/03/2022 20:26

Because putting it away would. be pandering to his obtuseness

There actually aren’t enough 🙄 in the world for this comment.

This thread is a case in point for life-partnering up with someone you’re actually compatible, and on the same wavelength, with.

bagsforlife20 · 25/03/2022 20:27

I think couples should outwardly remain supportive of each other when going through a tiff, but he sabotaged your meeting here. Instead of you going into it feeling prepared, you were left flustered hunting down something he’s purposely hidden from you and knew you would use before the meeting. It could easily knock someone’s confidence. He basically let his stubbornness impact your work.

If he insists on hiding your stuff to prove a point, he should have just done it when he knew you had nothing important to do that day

WelshyMaud · 25/03/2022 20:33

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it

He warned you? He warned you that if you didn't comply, he'd confiscate your property?

I can't ever imagine DH warning me in this way. If he did, I'd laugh in his face and warn him that he might be having difficulty getting his house key to work when he got back the next day.

So controlling. So disrespectful. So patronising. The amount of women on this thread who would put up with this kind of shit is depressing.

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