DH has hidden my make up bag

[AttackCat]

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

I'm surprised that leaving a make up bag out is a big deal. But the main thing that would bother me about this is that you wanted your make-up so you could present yourself well for a work meeting and it was missing. I'd be seriously pissed off with my partner doing anything that had a negative impact on any aspect of my professional life, however slight.

So controlling. So disrespectful. So patronising. The amount of women on this thread who would put up with this kind of shit is depressing.

Or do you think it’s really not that - in fact, it’s the complete opposite?

People aren’t identifying with the husband in this scenario because they want to be taught a lesson.

They’re identifying with him because they put their shit away, and would get really annoyed by someone like the OP, as well.

Yeah but it would be on the mirror or whatever, that might irritate him and he'd then have to take away sons of OPs screen time, or she'd have to sit on the naughty step. It's all too much for him to manage.

Well you remember that advice for the next time a thread comes in of a woman complaining about her messy husband or partner.

It can’t be that bad, he’s put up with it for 20 years.

It is controlling, disrespectful and patronising. It’s treating her like a child. It’s quite chilling and depressing that some women think this behaviour can be justified.

And I’m the tidy one.

People aren’t identifying with the husband in this scenario because they want to be taught a lesson.They’re identifying with him because they put their shit away, and would get really annoyed by someone like the OP, as well

And if they tried this on their oh's they'd be just as controlling, patronising and disrespectful as the ops DH is.

You issue sanctions, punishments, learning lessons, consequences to children. Not to your spouse.

I would have been fucking raging mad in the ops situation. How dare he?

He dares because the op let's him. It's sad.

[quote shssandhr]Why the fuck can't you just put it away? Same for the cups.

It's probably pissed him right off over the years and although it seems like nothing to you, it's a big thing to him.
I suggest reading this (someone might have mentioned this in the 17 pages). This guy wrote about his wife divorcing him for leaving cups on the side and how he didn't understand why she left him but it gradually dawned on him that she felt he did not care about her because he was unable to do this one small thing that she had asked him to. Have a read of this if you have time to get a different point of view.
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288[/quote]
He's probably pissed her right off over the years too.

Messy people have also divorced neat freaks, it doesn't just work one way.

I just can't even imagine issuing this kind of ultimatum to DH, in any circumstances.

Sometimes I say similar to the dc - I've tripped over this football twice today, it's only supposed to be in the garden. If it happens again, I'm keeping it till Monday. Because they're children that need to learn consequences.

If I said to DH 'your trainers have been left in the hall every day this week. I'm warning you that if it happens again, I'm hiding them' he'd piss himself - because it would be so ridiculous and he'd know it was a joke because he knows I'm not a complete knob.

Once again - it helps to partner up with someone you’re compatible with. It’s relationship 101, really.

Blimey , I’m averagely tidy , definitely not untidy- but some of the ladies on here must be really hard work to actually live with . A make up bag , on the side, in a bathroom, is totally normal

@NurseBernard

Once again - it helps to partner up with someone you’re compatible with. It’s relationship 101, really.

It also helps to compromise and accommodate one another’s differences. Married for 22 years 101.

@Blossomtoes

It can’t be that bad, he’s put up with it for 20 years.

It is controlling, disrespectful and patronising. It’s treating her like a child. It’s quite chilling and depressing that some women think this behaviour can be justified.

And I’m the tidy one.

Agreed. I’m a “alphabetises my spice drawer and aligns the labels up” level of tidy person; DP is a “leave the cupboard doors open, trail of detritus behind him like the lovechild of Pig Pen and Gretel”, but I wouldn’t dream of doing the equivalent of this to him.

Also, surely a makeup bag that’s used daily belongs on the bathroom counter. All the makeup neatly corralled in the bag. The item in proximity to where it’s used. Or does he hide the loo roll and the toothbrushes in the cupboard too? What skin is it off his nose if the bag is visible?

He warned you, you silly little woman, eh? What a patronising git he is! And to hide it too, like you’re a bloody child! 😡 He probably knew you had the Zoom meeting and you being unprepared was part of the punishment.

Nasty and immature. He sounds a bully, frankly.

I didn’t think it was legal to marry a child. He needs to grow up

But you all agree with a woman who complains about her husband that is messy, doesn't tidy away his things or leaves plates and glasses around all over the place, waiting for her to clean them up. What's the difference when they are told to throw their partners things out, or ignore him completely, not clean his things or make him dinner? Isn't that just petty game playing too? Yet that's always suggested.

Haven't you got it back yet OP??

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?

This. He sounds controlling.

@AllOfUsAreDead

But you all agree with a woman who complains about her husband that is messy, doesn't tidy away his things or leaves plates and glasses around all over the place, waiting for her to clean them up. What's the difference when they are told to throw their partners things out, or ignore him completely, not clean his things or make him dinner? Isn't that just petty game playing too? Yet that's always suggested.

It’s a ridiculous suggestion. It’s controlling whichever partner does it. Petty game playing is often recommended on MN, with a big side order of passive aggression. It’s a childish, sad way to live your life.

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish

The sexism is rife on this thread.

There are probably more than a thousand threads on mumsnet with the sexes reversed. The OP is a woman complaining about her husband just leaving things lieing around behind him; cups, sweet wrappers, hobby stuff, dirty clothes, whatever. And everytime, she is told to dump his stuff on his side of the bed or put it all in a bin bag for him to search through when he needs stuff.

But when the woman is the slob, everyone tells her it is totally OK because it is her house too.

@AttackCat
Have you ever read the article called "my divorced me for leaving dishes by the sink."
You should.

You also need to grow up and tidy up after yourself because your husband has had enough. it's really nasty of you to make him tidy up after you because you simply wont do it, it shows so little respect for him, your home and your partnership. You take for granted that he will just clean up your mess. It's really not a good way to treat your partner and he has had enough.

Every woman on here complaining about this stuff has been told to hide his things, put them into the bin etc. The only reason people are aiding with you is sexism, because on mumsnet, the man is always wrong. So dont use this thread or the poll on is as justification for how you behave. If you were a man, you'd rightly have your arse handed to you.

This exactly

@Blossomtoes and yet, op and her husband have gotten over it and moved on already after laughing at each other. Maybe it's just the way they work.

I still think op should somehow make reminders for herself to not make the house messy. Like leaving a note up to remind her to put the bag back, or just simply reminding herself to put things away.

Every time he leaves something that is not in its correct place I would hide it....petty yes but such is life😂
Also it's in a bag not lying all over the place so I think he's being a dick tbh.

What? Fuck that. Hide his car keys next time he’s trying to get to a client meeting [or insert relevant work situation here]

I’m taking inspiration from this. I’m going to try it with OH as he is messy AF!

Put it away or it’s getting hidden 🤣🤣 great tip 🤪

When I read the OP, I envisaged a massive unwieldy make up bag, all full of half used, missing tops, broken bits, squished bits, powdery bits of make up, all higgledy piggldy, all topsy turvy

OP hasnt specified that it is or isnt but most replies here seem to think that its a nice neat make up bag that should live on the top because its not untidy or 'clutter'. Yet it has a place to live and OP wont put it away
Those big bags are like a colour explosion when picked up and moved, bits falling everywhere, into the sink, on the bathroom rug.

It might be the case OP has ADHD, it might not, either way she needs to find ways to stop disrespecting their joint living space. She knows it drives him mad but continues to try to control the situation and him by creating stress for him with htis behaviour but wont make changes to minimise the impact. Perhaps it makes the worktop difficult to clean or use for whatever he does in the morning and hence it needs to be put away

It is exhausting and soul destroying to keep repeating the same thing over and over again and that being ignored and having to pick up, put away other people's things. Worse when you have reasonable discussion about the impact of not clearing stuff away and 'yes I understand I promise i will put it away from now on', next day you walk in to find the fucking things in a mess again.

I too am amazed at the toxic sexism on this forum, amazed its allowed and tolerated. There are thread after thread of where similar things happen in reverse and the husband is 'controlling' and 'abusive' for not respecting his wifes feelings about how the mess makes her feel, cries of 'I couldnt be with someone that disrespected me so much'.

On this thread, posters are saying they would read the riot act, the husband 'wouldnt dare' do this, someone would shit in his shoes etc etc Imagine that the other way round, it would be reported for a hate crime.

OPs partner clearly did this in a lighthearted way, she has her stuff back but I dont blame him, he must be exasperated.

I think it was a bit cheeky for him to move it and if i’d have been less amused if I’d had a real need for a full face of make up, but frankly he does put up with a lot

But you said you did have need for a full face of make up.

I certainly wouldn’t be calling what he did as cheeky

I'm a messy person. I lived with someone who kept hiding my belongings when I left them in a place that displeased them. Every time something of mine disappeared, I started to hide something of theirs. If it wasn't returned quickly, their belongings would be disposed of. They did not get to dictate how tidy or untidy I was.