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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has hidden my make up bag

575 replies

AttackCat · 24/03/2022 09:08

So I am a messy person. DH is a tidy person. This is probably one of the biggest causes of day to day minor disagreements between us.

DH has been complaining about me leaving my make-up bag on the bathroom worktop (it can fit in the cupboard directly under the worktop). He often puts it away if I leave it out (which I often do).

He warned me that if I kept leaving it out, he’d hide it. I went to put my make up on this morning and yes, he has hidden it.

I’m not a huge wearer of make up (I’ll do the school run with a bare face) but I have a client meeting on zoom today so need to look vaguely presentable. I’ve managed to find a tinted moisturiser and a mascara but the make up bag isn’t in any of the bathroom cupboards so he’s properly hidden it.

So who is being unreasonable?

YABU - your fault for being messy
YANBU - DH shouldn’t have hidden your make up even though he’s put up with 20 years of your mess

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/03/2022 22:04

[quote AllOfUsAreDead]@Blossomtoes and yet, op and her husband have gotten over it and moved on already after laughing at each other. Maybe it's just the way they work.

I still think op should somehow make reminders for herself to not make the house messy. Like leaving a note up to remind her to put the bag back, or just simply reminding herself to put things away.[/quote]
Nah. OP isn't that bothered that the make up bag is out. Her DH should leave himself a note to not be annoyed by it.

Moser85 · 25/03/2022 22:30

@bellac11

Yet it has a place to live and OP wont put it away

It has a place to live because the OPs husband dictated that. The OP might prefer it to live on the counter.

she needs to find ways to stop disrespecting their joint living space. She knows it drives him mad but continues to try to control the situation and him by creating stress for him with htis behaviour but wont make changes to minimise the impact.

It's a joint living space and there should be compromises if one is a neat freak and one isn't. It is disrespectful of him to think he can dictate everything about the joint living space.
I'm sure he drives her mad moaning and he is also trying to control the situation and creates stress with his behaviour.

It works both ways. The neat freak isn't a better or superior person than the messy person. They are not right and the other person is not wrong. Some people are just messy. Some are neat. Most people don't choose to be the way they are. I can go through periods where I am very organised and tidy but it is very very draining and takes a lot of effort, other people can do it so easily and actually enjoy it.....so people don't start off equal that way either.

As for the toxic feminism, I agree there is plenty of that on here, but generally in the case of messy husbands those men don't do a single thing around the house but complain then that the house isn't to their standard, or they complain when their favourite shirt isn't washed or so on...that is why they provoke such strong responses!

Feeascotime · 25/03/2022 23:20

Well why should he get his way having it IN the cupboard? Being super tidy does not Trump a more relaxed approach. In my family I am the tidy one but I realise that I can't nag others to keep up my standards so I accept that it is my choice to tidy. I'm not talking taking turns witb chores or cleaning up after themselves. I'm saying you have a right not to have to dig in the cupboard if it's easier keeping it on top. It would be different if the contents of the bag were left lying about. And really - you're not a child to be punished. You're an equal adult!

TinselTinsel · 25/03/2022 23:24

I hate other peoples mess! I once collected all of my fellas dirty underwear, socks and crisps/ sweet wrappers from the floor and down the side of the sofa and stuffed them all into his pillow case!

Whatmeagain · 25/03/2022 23:33

How old is - 5?

Whatmeagain · 25/03/2022 23:34

That should be how old is he - 5?

BoredZelda · 25/03/2022 23:52

Oh he could fuck off.

You are not a child, if you want to leave it out, leave it out. Is it in his way? Or does he just not want it there?

Hell would freeze over before my husband tried to “teach” me something.

user1471447924 · 26/03/2022 04:37

Why is he parenting you like a naughty child?

Mummadeze · 26/03/2022 05:51

I admit to tidying away my partner’s things that he likes left out before the cleaner comes but I would only put them in a really obvious place. He still gets annoyed about that as he doesn’t like people touching his stuff. I would be livid if he hid my makeup bag though. I think your partner is in the wrong here.

dentydown · 26/03/2022 05:57

Maybe the time has come for a compromise. Perhaps get a basket that can be stored in view but “looks tidy” then you can put your makeup in it (and other things). It’s obvious you need your makeup in reach, he wants it out of sight. Perhaps you need middle ground here!

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 26/03/2022 06:15

OP you both might find the clutterbug approach useful in understanding each other’s organising styles.

Some people are visual organisers who feel less stressed by being able to see their stuff. For them, out of sight is out of mind. Others (like your dh) get stressed by things left out and like to put things in drawers and cupboards.

There are also macro and micro organisers depending on how much effort you can manage putting things away - some people will have their make up laid out in an organiser with a compartment for each item (micro), others are lucky to get it back in one bag (macro).

The key to a tidy house is organising it according to your style (eg I discovered that if I took lids off boxes I’m much more likely to get things tidied.) dh and I have different styles so his work spaces are home are organised in a different way to mine.

She has videos and tips on YouTube and a book if you prefer a longer read.

Neither of you are right or wrong - but your brains work differently.

Shoemadlady · 26/03/2022 07:25

I'm surprised at the amount of people saying he's being unreasonable.
You're an adult and responsible for yourself and it's disrespectful to let another adult tidy up after you.
He should be living with an equal and he may feel that he's living with a teenager. Leaving stuff all over the place / dirty cups everywhere.
It would take a split second to tidy up after yourself, why should he do it?

Blossomtoes · 26/03/2022 07:40

If it takes a split second, why’s he making such a big deal about it? It’s only a make up bag.

roundtable · 26/03/2022 07:45

Funny that op and her DH have moved on from makeup bag gate but posters on the thread haven't!

Augustmummy · 26/03/2022 08:21

my oh is a bit like this - OCD. Why do you have to follow HIS rules though? Its very controlling in my opinion and you must feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time which isnt nice in your own home. go and hide hi car keys ;)

Snoozysnoozy · 26/03/2022 08:36

If it takes a split second, why’s he making such a big deal about it? It’s only a make up bag.

Because it's 'only' a split second presuming that it's just the bag, not make up strewn everywhere. It's also not just cups is it. There's almost certainly more.c

Nowomenaroundeh · 26/03/2022 08:40

I think he's not wrong to make his point but now he has he needs to tell you where it is..

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 26/03/2022 08:43

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Surely as an adult and equal in your home and marriage you can leave your make up bag where the fuck you want?
This
Ponoka7 · 26/03/2022 08:44

" I once collected all of my fellas dirty underwear, socks and crisps/ sweet wrappers from the floor and down the side of the sofa "

That's the difference when women post about men. The mess they leave tends to be dirty clothes, rubbish and stuff that could smell. Plus it's left in general living areas. A make up bag in the bathroom, isn't the same. Some people like to be super tidy and want all flat surfaces clear. Not everyone can live like that.

Snoozysnoozy · 26/03/2022 09:37

That's the difference when women post about men....
Translated to:

It's ok when women do it to men.

Original poster
AttackCat · 26/03/2022 09:47

@roundtable

Funny that op and her DH have moved on from makeup bag gate but posters on the thread haven't!
I know!

We’ve moved on now to “why was it my job to buy the birthday present when I wasn’t the one who was invited to the party?”, if anyone wants to weigh in on that one Grin

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 26/03/2022 09:51

Being tidy is not morally superior.

Maskless · 26/03/2022 10:40

Are you actually a married couple or a pair of five-year-old siblings?

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 10:41

@Maskless

Are you actually a married couple or a pair of five-year-old siblings?
Do you actually read threads, or just bash your head on the keyboard and press 'post' on whatever comes out?
bellac11 · 26/03/2022 10:55

@Ponoka7

" I once collected all of my fellas dirty underwear, socks and crisps/ sweet wrappers from the floor and down the side of the sofa "

That's the difference when women post about men. The mess they leave tends to be dirty clothes, rubbish and stuff that could smell. Plus it's left in general living areas. A make up bag in the bathroom, isn't the same. Some people like to be super tidy and want all flat surfaces clear. Not everyone can live like that.

Except that you have conveniently ignored that OP herself talks honestly about the fact that she is messy, leaving cups and whatnot around the place, therefore its safe to assume that she too, leaves dirty things around. Someone doesnt get to a point of hiding a make up bag, playfully or otherwise, when there are no other issues in terms of OP consistently affecting the environment they live in together.