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Original poster

40th Birthday disappointment

254 replies

Mumof3boysand1girl · 23/03/2022 23:50

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

OP posts:
summerin69 · 25/03/2022 18:05

I’m so sorry - I really felt for you reading this. We don’t give just to get back but you just want them to be thinking of you at least a little bit. Don’t bother with his next time - put all the time, energy and love back into doing things you love.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 25/03/2022 18:06

Happy 40th Birthday!!!

My attitude now is always self care. Book yourself a spa, night away and get yourself a nice present. Don’t go out of your way for him again either.

CatNoBag · 25/03/2022 18:11

That's a bit shit, sorry you've been let down. My DH is completely useless with birthdays and so on, but he knows he is, and desperately wants me to have a good day/present etc, so he'll pester me in the run up about what I want, or get me to buy something and pay me back, and I'll often organise a holiday for us and tell him that's my present and he'll pay me back. I would love it if he was able to do this organising himself and surprise me with something that makes me happy, but I know he has no idea what that would be and I'd end up with something I don't want, so I sort it out myself. But he will always ask what can he get/do, and if I tell him he'll do it/sort it.

Incidentally, my plans for my 40th had to be completely revamped after an announcement from his (adult) daughter that made Plan A impossible, so I quickly hashed together a Plan B that was probably as good if not better suited for us than Plan A!

Pliudev · 25/03/2022 18:11

Happy Birthday! Mine is tomorrow and I've learned to expect nothing from my D?H. Usually he prints an A4 sheet saying Happy Birthday. His birthday is quite the opposite, huge fuss (from others) but he makes no effort at all for anyone else. His last big one was huge, I'm ten years younger so mine was a fairly major one but nothing at all happened except I locked horns with a railing at Asda and pulled the front of my car off. If you intend to stay with your DH (I have to because we 're old) just focus on celebrating with people who treat you well and be kind to yourself.

Lulu1919 · 25/03/2022 18:19

Happy Birthday
So sorry to read this ....it's PANTS !!!!!

I'd be fuming ....I am fuming and I dont know you !!!

Do,something this weekend for yourself ....or take a friend or someone who cares out for a meal or a spa afternoon at a local hotel ????

ArtVandalay · 25/03/2022 18:19

That’s rubbish. My husband makes a big fuss of me on every birthday. It’s about being thoughtful and showing how much your partner means to you.

Lulu1919 · 25/03/2022 18:20

He'd better have got something for kids to give for Mothers Day !!!!!!

Jewel52 · 25/03/2022 18:40

@AgathaMystery

Happy birthday OP.

Dare I ask, what is ‘toilet time’ Hmm

Thank god somebody asked, was wondering the same????
KentdonMum · 25/03/2022 18:42

It could have been worse, he could have invited your mother in law to stay for the weekend! That was my treat.

Hope you’ve managed to have a nice day in spite of the disappointment. I have to say I should be used to it by now but it still pisses me off every time. The year before last he managed to get annoyed with ME because he didn’t make the birthday cake he said he would. I ended up going to the coop and buying myself a cake

hennaoj · 25/03/2022 18:43

Pinch his credit card and buy yourself a nice and expensive present.

EV117 · 25/03/2022 18:46

Happy 40th!

What do you usually do on your birthdays?
Did you suspect this might happen?
If it was my birthday tomorrow it would most likely come up in conversation. If DH hadn’t even asked at this point what I want to do for my birthday tomorrow I would be asking ‘you realise what day it is tomorrow right?’ But I don’t see how it would even get to that point because it would have come up in conversations in the previous weeks - and I’m not even a big birthday celebrator at all. It’s usually just a family meal or a BBQ in the garden. I don’t really see how birthdays can be forgotten like that, he sounds very ignorant. Not that it should be up to you to remind him, but I don’t see how it could just not come up in conversation towards the run up. But maybe it did and he still didn’t bother, which is even worse. Although it seems common enough on mumsnet.

HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 18:48

@Lulu1919

He'd better have got something for kids to give for Mothers Day !!!!!!
That's a very good point!!
HELLITHURT · 25/03/2022 18:49

@Pliudev

Happy Birthday! Mine is tomorrow and I've learned to expect nothing from my D?H. Usually he prints an A4 sheet saying Happy Birthday. His birthday is quite the opposite, huge fuss (from others) but he makes no effort at all for anyone else. His last big one was huge, I'm ten years younger so mine was a fairly major one but nothing at all happened except I locked horns with a railing at Asda and pulled the front of my car off. If you intend to stay with your DH (I have to because we 're old) just focus on celebrating with people who treat you well and be kind to yourself.
You are never too old to leave!
Monstermunch67 · 25/03/2022 18:49

Same here, it's always been very one sided regarding birthdays. I always used to go completely OTT tbh, which was obviously my choice, but he seems to enjoy the gifts and activities.

Many years he'd to forget to put a few quid behind in time to buy much for my birthday. Several times he's had to borrow money from colleagues, even for a gift in the £20-£30 range. His income is considerably higher than mine, I think it's just a case of different priorities. I am always very thankful for whatever I receive though, especially so as before the children were old enough to understand birthdays I never used to receive anything at all.

I'm not someone who measures people in belongings or expects lavish gifts. Yet somewhere deep inside it does hurt that he never really thought my birthday was worth much consideration beforehand. It's been a bit better in recent years, as our now adult children tend to have some input.

Wills · 25/03/2022 18:51

Why are so many women putting up with shitty behaviour from their Dh’s?

Rodion · 25/03/2022 18:55

@wills French connection in the UK off Grin

OP - the part that would get to me the most is as a pp pointed out, he's training your kids to view your birthday as unimportant while presumably every other family member's gets celebrated.

Kjpt140v · 25/03/2022 19:03

Get rid or don't complain..

2018SoFarSoGreat · 25/03/2022 19:14

@HoppingPavlova

Why?

Well, if you think of life as a race, after 50 you pretty much have the finish line in sight. Until that point the running surface has been pretty okay and the course fairly good but at that point in the race the surface starts to get some twists and turns and potholes (unless you have some superhuman body that defies the ageing process).

well that made my day! I guess I should just plan my exit now, since it is pointless going beyond 50.
NeedleNoodle3 · 25/03/2022 19:17

I don’t understand why people don’t plan their own birthdays.

HarryBlaster · 25/03/2022 19:18

Life is short and you deserve more. Book yourself a weekend away of your choice

ilovebagpuss · 25/03/2022 19:20

These sorts of issues I want to say LTB as much as what people perceive to be the bigger issues in a relationship. Of course there are many other ways in which a relationship can be truly awful violent controlling etc. However I find these low level just non interest in the other person so sad as well.
It causes hurt on a large scale no matter the whole treat yourself, we'll don't do anything for his birthday etc etc. It still seems to me to be as serious a statement as you could make about how much you think of the other person it's the little things isn't it? that keep us together the everyday effort. It's not the money spent it's the effort and care put in.
I would rather live alone and free than be putting in effort for a useless lump that couldn't even sort cards from the kids.

blubberyboo · 25/03/2022 19:23

Have you a friend that you could book a week in the sun with or your sisters? Leave him to it with the shitter and the kids

cherish123 · 25/03/2022 19:25

He sounds crap. I think he could have done more. However, what you did for his birthday was a hard act to follow. I don't know anyone who's made this much effort.

blubberyboo · 25/03/2022 19:26

Pinch his credit card and buy yourself a nice and expensive present

No cos in his mind that lets him off the hook.. he will sit back and say now I’ve got you a present and give himself a big pat on the back.
But it doesn’t make up for the fact he was so thoughtless not to buy one himself

Bleachmycloths · 25/03/2022 19:32

Easier said than done but FUCK.HIM.OFF.
Not easy with children but seriously reassess your life, relationship, everything. A cliché but you really have only got one life. X