Page 6 | 40th Birthday disappointment

Mumof3boysand1girl · 2022-03-23T23:50:51+00:00

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me. His 40th I went all Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table . I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

Zilla1 · 24/03/2022 09:51

Sorry forgot the discussing in advance about city breaks. Meals. Presents. Cakes. Card. Important to discuss so you don't get a card you didn't like. or with the wrong message.

Zilla1 · 24/03/2022 09:54

And no, don't think about whether you managed to plan his 40th? without discussing with him and it went OK. Women have training and an innate ability to sort such things. They have more time as they biologically have less need for the uninterrupted child-free defecation hobby and football-watching which don't waste time but are biologically essential.

musicviking1 · 24/03/2022 09:57

I'd be really upset, not to rub salt in the wound but I spent my 40th in the states with my husband and children, all booked and planned by my husband. If I were you I'd stop planning things for him, give a taste of his own medicine.

nettie434 · 24/03/2022 09:57

Happy Birthday Mumof3boysand1girl

I don't understand why he didn't think that if you did so much for his 40th that you might like somebody to do that for yours.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 09:59

@nettie434

Happy Birthday Mumof3boysand1girl

I don't understand why he didn't think that if you did so much for his 40th that you might like somebody to do that for yours.

By this logic him doing nothing for OP's 30th should mean she knew he wanted nothing for his 40th, surely?

worriedatthistime · 24/03/2022 10:03

@Zilla1 i take it your being sarcastic

Pegasushaswings · 24/03/2022 10:03

He’s a selfish dick OP, my husband can be like that too but is actually quite good at birthday presents, apart from lockdown where I had to cook my own meal as he can’t cook! Tell him you want X amount of cash off him as you’ve seen something you like for your birthday, at least get something out of it.

Flight00Fancy · 24/03/2022 10:13

Happy birthday
The way we do it
We choose what we would like to do, but we plan in advance

HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 10:14

[quote worriedatthistime]@Zilla1 i take it your being sarcastic[/quote]
I hope so!

RachelGreeneGreep · 24/03/2022 10:22

@Justilou1

I forgot to say that my bday is in July and my DH’s is in November. I’m five years older, so he threw a strop when I didn’t organize anything for his 35th bday. By that I mean that he made it until about 10:30am before chucking his binky out of the pram and pointing out my every failure as a wife and human. (Two separate roles, it would seem 😡). I asked if 35 was a particularly significant birthday for him, and he said no, but that didn’t excuse the fact that I had entirely forgotten to “celebrate him.” I asked him what he would consider to be a significant birthday, and he said his 40th, of course. I told him how much I loved that he handed me so much ammunition to shoot his entire argument down. *Absolute bewilderment. I asked if he knew how old I was. “Yes, 40.” Great start….I asked him exactly what he had done for my birthday - five months previously. Strangely, he drew a blank and started spluttering. “I must have given you a card or something.” Nope. Didn’t even say “Happy Birthday”. He heard everyone else call me, but was clammed up tighter than a duck’s bum on the day. I asked how “celebrated” I should be feeling by this stage, with four months worth of resentment and disappointment under my belt. I said “Happy Fucking Birthday, I’m going away for the weekend while you contemplate whether you want to be married or not.”

Brilliant @Justilou1

Not brilliant that he did nothing for your birthday then stropped about his. But your response is brilliant.

ancientgran · 24/03/2022 10:23

@Mumof3boysand1girl

You are probably right it’s just my partner . I know other men take time out and make their partner feel special .

I think it is more if you both have the same attitude. DH and Idon't bother with Valentine's day, generally go shopping together to buy something for Christmas/birthdays but we are both happy with that. On the other hand we will spontaneously spend money on each other just because we see something we know the other will like or we know they aren't feeling great so need a treat, DH has just told me he has booked to take me out to lunch as I'm recovering from covid and feeling a bit rough.

The important bit is we both feel the same about it and you and your husband have completely different attitudes. I'm not sure how you get over than to be honest, maybe meeting in the middle a bit by you going less extravagant on stuff for him and him upping his game.

BoodleBug51 · 24/03/2022 10:26

DH has always been very thoughtless with birthdays but absolutely ruined mine a few years ago. What really galled was the fact that I'd made a massive effort for his a few months before.

So the next year, he got a card, a gift voucher for golf shit and that was it. No special meal, no cake, no family gathering. He got more and more confused as the day went on, and said in the evening "it's been a bit of a let down today". I replied yes, it's shit when people don't make an effort isn't it..........

I now arrange my own birthdays. It saves any angst and means I get the day I want, even if it's buggering off on my own with the dogs!

ancientgran · 24/03/2022 10:28

@Zilla1

And no, don't think about whether you managed to plan his 40th? without discussing with him and it went OK. Women have training and an innate ability to sort such things. They have more time as they biologically have less need for the uninterrupted child-free defecation hobby and football-watching which don't waste time but are biologically essential.

Not sure about the biologically essentials. My DH has never watched a football, rugby or cricket match by choice (he had to attend some as a police officer but would volunteer for anything to avoid.)

I've never noticed him spending any more time in the loo than anyone else.

Some men might have strange habits, don't make out it is all of them.

girlmom21 · 24/03/2022 10:28

@ancientgran those posts are sarcasm from @Zilla1

Pipsquiggle · 24/03/2022 10:58

I would feel pissed off by this as well, however, he is consistent so not sure I would've expected any different.

You need to have a chat with him. Tell him that his lack of thought hurt you and you want at least a card and chocolates from your DC. It's then his job to sort it.

LimeGreenCoconut · 24/03/2022 11:00

Treat yourself this weekend!! Book yourself in at a spa or get tickets for a show. Take a friend and leave the kids and house to him. It's your 40th! Go enjoy yourself!

longtompot · 24/03/2022 11:01

Your post reminded me of this one @Mumof3boysand1girl www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4369952-Today-is-a-big-birthday-and-my-husband-forgot?pg=1 I don't know what that op did in the end, but it wasn't sounding good.

DaisyDeli · 24/03/2022 11:12

Happy birthday 🎂

What have his response been to your messages?

Gilly12345 · 24/03/2022 11:14

Before your 40th did the two of you have conversations about your birthday plans? Most people do have an idea how they want to celebrate. If no conversation perhaps he thought you weren’t celebrating it but he should still have arranged cards.

With some men you have to spell it out to them what you want. Well obviously within the financial boundaries you have as a family.

Maybe in the future be less thoughtful to him?

WWRGD · 24/03/2022 11:22

He takes you for granted. Decide if you can live with that or not.

DogsAndGin · 24/03/2022 11:45

Does he take any responsibility for any other birthdays in your family / circle?

My DH has NEVER taken responsibility for birthdays/gift giving and wouldn’t even send his own mother a card if I didn’t remind him. So, when it comes to my birthday I make my expectations very clear to him a few weeks in advance. He has never let me down, and I’ve never let him walk into a situation where he disappoints me. Likewise, he shows me the same consideration for his expectations for me too.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/03/2022 11:46

@Sceptre86

Yabu because he didn't do anything for you 30th so why would your 40th be any different? He doesn't celebrate your milestones but for some stupid reason you go all out for his. You are being the idiot here just stop and value yourself a little. Your 40th was a special day and any half decent partner would have at least got a card and cake. Why settle for this? Being a man is a piss poor excuse for not being able to organise something. I'd want more from my partner than this. Honestly I'd say the lack of care, any thought or consideration is the problem here. I'd dump his arse.

This...

Whether he fancies /doesn't fancy parties... He should make the effort organising something special for YOU.

Its not men... It's HIM...

He's just utterly thoughtless... He made no effort to discover what you may like... Or even pay someone else to arrange something...

I'm not a huge party gal any more... But partner always arranges to take the day off and arrange something we'd both enjoy as well as cakes /presents.

His lack of care... Not the ruining of your 40th... Just the fact he knows BUT JUST DOESN'T CARE THAT YOU'RE UPSET.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Happy birthday for yesterday!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/03/2022 11:50

OP, did he get you a present, card and a cake? From him? Your OP and subsequent posts on this are slightly unclear.

What is clear is that he's not bringing much value to your life.

1224boom · 24/03/2022 11:55

What on earth is toilet time?!?

Didn't you talk about your birthday in advance? Me and my husband make plans together I would never just get to the day and not know what we were going to do? If I wanted a big birthday I would make that clear. Same for his birthdays.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 24/03/2022 11:57

@Zilla1

And no, don't think about whether you managed to plan his 40th? without discussing with him and it went OK. Women have training and an innate ability to sort such things. They have more time as they biologically have less need for the uninterrupted child-free defecation hobby and football-watching which don't waste time but are biologically essential.

Are you insane, or maybe you have such rock bottom self esteem you don't think you deserve anything Ffs.