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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

40th Birthday disappointment

254 replies

Mumof3boysand1girl · 23/03/2022 23:50

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

OP posts:
Chilesstanton · 24/03/2022 02:29

What is toilet time Confused

Riseholme · 24/03/2022 02:40

OP don’t put up with this shit.
It’s not men it’s your man.

We were married 42 years last week.
I got a meal cooked for me, a huge bouquet of flowers, chocolate and champagne.

The fact you would have been happy with just a card from your dc means your bar is already set too low.
I’d be saving for a divorce lawyer too or at least joke about getting one and see how bothered he is.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/03/2022 02:42

How did he respond to your messages??

I like the special effort required for your 41st but I’d expand it to all birthdays from now on. He clearly needs the practice. It’s the only way to make sure your 50th isn’t a disappointment too

HoppingPavlova · 24/03/2022 02:45

I disagree. I wanted a decent bash for my 40th and 40th. So I organised myself. My kids weren’t old enough to go get my card, put thought into it etc so DH getting one and giving it to the kids on the pretence of them getting it for me would have been weird. I organised great parties including pre-bash champers at ours for a core group, minivans so people didn’t have to worry about driving/parking. Checked people were okay for accom if needed, gave recommendations if they wanted, organised a babysitter. DH just showed upGrin. Why leave this to someone and hope yo get what you want? If you want something special or specific be proactive and organise yourself, no disappointment then!

HoppingPavlova · 24/03/2022 02:46

Sorry, 40th and 50th it should have said. Once you get past that not worth celebrating as such Hmm.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 24/03/2022 02:58

@HoppingPavlova

Sorry, 40th and 50th it should have said. Once you get past that not worth celebrating as such Hmm.
Why?
KittenKins · 24/03/2022 03:21

Your needs matter too, not just football, work etc.

Especially on your birthday, it isn't like he couldn't just copy aspects of your plans for his 40th if he really, really good couldn't come up with thoughts of his own.

I would be disappointed too op, belated birthday wishes, please, if possible treat yourself at his expense, but do make him aware of how you feel about this. Even if it is a man thing (I HATE that excuse, grrrr), he has the ability to improve if he chooses to.

Getabloominmoveon · 24/03/2022 03:25

He does sound like a loser, but given his past form did you really expect anything else? 40th is a biggie so I’m surprised you weren’t talking about it with him and your family months in advance to make sure what you wanted actually happened.
I’m 30 years married to a useless birthday/Christmas organizer so have learned to give clear communications about what I’d like and organise events myself like a dinner with family/friends or bigger parties. Tbh they’re much better than if he did it as that’s not his forte and he just doesn’t think like that. And occasionally he totally surprises me eg amazing diamond earrings for my 50th, flowers… and I get tea in bed every morning.
Your DH is not going to suddenly morph into a party planning guy so either LTB or take matters into your own hands and enlist his contributions where you can.

HoppingPavlova · 24/03/2022 03:31

Why?

Well, if you think of life as a race, after 50 you pretty much have the finish line in sight. Until that point the running surface has been pretty okay and the course fairly good but at that point in the race the surface starts to get some twists and turns and potholes (unless you have some superhuman body that defies the ageing process).

Sweepingeyelashes · 24/03/2022 04:00

So work, football and toilet time. Does he spend hours in the loo and almost always at the most inconvenient time before emerging leaving a miasma of foul stench spreading through the house? Hardly seems worth keeping.

starrynight21 · 24/03/2022 04:05

I could have written this post, OP. I know it's disappointing. On my 40th I was on night shift - I came home to find he'd gone out and left a card on the kitchen bench. Nothing else , zilch. And I'd gone to all the trouble a year earlier for his 40th. It stings, I know.

It's been 20 years since my 40th, and in the meantime I've done what a friend told me to do - plan my own birthdays and don't wait for others to do it for me. For my 50th I planned dinner for family and friends, and I ordered a cake for myself , the whole nine yards. DH did nothing as usual but I didn't care , because I had a great time. Sometimes you just have to take charge and give yourself a great day, instead of waiting and being disappointed.

Happy birthday OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/03/2022 04:09

Ew. What is toilet time?

Sorry he was so unthoughtful. But really don't bother with any of his future. And definitely don't bother with 'balloon arches' and stages and all that crap.

Hope you had a nice meal with your relatives and happy birthday.

LoganberryJam · 24/03/2022 04:10

Make sure you don't lift a finger for his next birthday OP!

godmum56 · 24/03/2022 04:26

and once again the problem (shitty 40th) is not the problem (shitty husband)

bloomtoperish · 24/03/2022 04:46

@Chilesstanton

What is toilet time Confused
Likely watching porn on his smartphone and wanking 🤮
SarahBellam · 24/03/2022 04:51

What a low grade man. Stop organising things for him. It's clearly not important to him and he's not interested in big events, and he's not bothered about yours or your children's feelings when it comes to your birthday. I hope he's a good partner in other ways.

carefullycourageous · 24/03/2022 05:07

@Mumof3boysand1girl

I totally agree with you , your points are valid .

But there has been zero communication on what I’d like . I know he is a man and I know men generally aren’t all creative but if he was stuck on what I want he just has to communication on what and how I’d like to celebrate would have been nice and I’d be happier .

Calling this a man thing is not correct. Many men are very thoughtful.
BOOTS52 · 24/03/2022 05:30

Selfish man. Happy 40th and nice you had food out with family. Is he always so thoughtless and how has he behaved since you texted him how you feel let down. It does not have to be something big and extravagant but just that someone puts a little bit of an effort in for you to make you feel appreciated and special on a big birthday. I would buy yourself expensive chocolates and drinks and do not offer him any at all. Treat yourself to something nice. It would make me think about the whole relationship. Do not do anything for his next birthday and not even a card from the children so he knows how it feels.

Joystir59 · 24/03/2022 05:32

I'd have hated all the stuff you did for his birthday, it wouldn't have meant anything to me. I would expect cards from my children and to spend a lovely day together doing something of my choosing. But all the showy stuff, not so much.

Joystir59 · 24/03/2022 05:36

@HoppingPavlova

I disagree. I wanted a decent bash for my 40th and 40th. So I organised myself. My kids weren’t old enough to go get my card, put thought into it etc so DH getting one and giving it to the kids on the pretence of them getting it for me would have been weird. I organised great parties including pre-bash champers at ours for a core group, minivans so people didn’t have to worry about driving/parking. Checked people were okay for accom if needed, gave recommendations if they wanted, organised a babysitter. DH just showed upGrin. Why leave this to someone and hope yo get what you want? If you want something special or specific be proactive and organise yourself, no disappointment then!
This is my attitude too. I hate surprises or big lavish cake and balloon stuff, so I always choose what I want to do on my day which is something very simple with my love. Take control next year OP.
Porcupineintherough · 24/03/2022 05:42

Why would you want to be married to a man like this? One who clearly doesnt prioritize you at all (and not just on your birthday).

Nancydrawn · 24/03/2022 05:46

My last birthday, which was not a milestone birthday, my husband bought me a print from an artist I had mentioned months before; hand-made me a cake (from a box, but still); made us reservations at my favorite local restaurant; and watched one of my favourite classic movies with me, despite having seen it a million times before.

I am not saying this to brag. I'm saying that it's okay to expect more from your partner. And I'm saying a good partner should care to make a special day for you.

PS: Toilet time is gross.

1AngelicFruitCake · 24/03/2022 05:52

Is it possible you subconsciously set him
Up to fail? You knew he’d probably forget but wanted to see if he’d remember.
For my 40th I actually sat down with my husband and wrote a bullet pointed list of what I wanted 😄 seems a bit sad but I didn’t want to leave it to chance. It’s a shame he wouldn’t think of it himself but I know he wouldn’t because he’d quite happily have nothing for his own birthday. He’s great and I can forgive him for being rubbish at organising things. I didn’t want an argument on the day. I had a lovely day, nothing over the top just a nice time and the time he spent over that weekend making sure I was happy more than made up for the fact he didn’t organise anything without a prompt.

Happy birthday! Plan something nice for yourself x

CatsandDogs22 · 24/03/2022 05:59

@Mumof3boysand1girl

My sisters and mum and auntie planned a surprise meal which was lovely but he had zero input or idea of it . After this party I thought oh perhaps he has something planned as my family kept this as a ladies only meal as I have 1837489328493 relatives . Same thing happened on my 30th … no party . No celebrations . Just hoped 40th would be better .
Hang on, it was the same on your 30th and 10 years later nothing has changed, and you’re still with him?

You deserve more OP. It isn’t a man thing. They’re as capable as us at realising birthdays are a thing and getting birthday cards and presents.

NewPapaGuinea · 24/03/2022 06:05

Does he do anything for you at other times at all?