Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

40th Birthday disappointment

254 replies

Mumof3boysand1girl · 23/03/2022 23:50

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

OP posts:
OssieShowman · 24/03/2022 12:04

Happy birthday! Cook a nice hot curry, That will do wonders for his IBS

Lunificent · 24/03/2022 12:04

He doesn’t care enough. You only live once: better to be alone or with someone who worships the ground you walk on.

Davethecat2001 · 24/03/2022 12:10

Toilet time = iPoo

Definition: mantime in the loo enjoying a complicated shit, playing fames on the phone, and ignoring everything that might be going on around them.

These iPoo's normally take time and concentration, and cannot be rushed.

Bastion of the male of the species.. I don't think many women abscond to the bog to hide away from everyone else in the house to spend a good half hour curling one out in the throne.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/03/2022 12:10

OP has got a lot of flack for taking the time and effort to organise a nice 40th birthday for her DH.
She hasn't said that he didn't enjoy it or that he didn't want that kind of birthday.
I actually think that is a more positive and gentle way of showing someone by example how to celebrate a milestone birthday.
Unfortunately, the DH is so lazy, self absorbed and feckless that he can't even understand that its also a good example to the children to help them buy a blooming card and sign it to give to Mum.
Also, whilst communication is important, its actually incredibly depressing to have to tell someone like that what you would like/expect for a milestone birthday and having to ask/beg for it is also depressing

Fredstheteds · 24/03/2022 12:25

Happy 40th! That’s me in 5 weeks but just found out yesterday I’m expecting twins....

ancientgran · 24/03/2022 12:27

[quote girlmom21]**@ancientgran* those posts are sarcasm from @Zilla1* [/quote]
Sorry, I've got covid brain, I'm hoping it isn't permanent.

ancientgran · 24/03/2022 12:27

@Fredstheteds

Happy 40th! That’s me in 5 weeks but just found out yesterday I’m expecting twins....
Congratulations. That's a hard "present" to top. Well I suppose triplets?
NeedleNoodle3 · 24/03/2022 12:29

Happy birthday for yesterday and sorry to hear you had a disappointing day.
I’ve read lots of threads like yours and am always amazed when people don’t plan their own birthdays. I had a big party and a holiday for my 40th and 50th birthdays. I did the planning, the looking forward to it and now have amazing memories from the day. I don’t understand why someone either can’t plan want they want to do on their birthday, I find it very passive.

wtfwasthatmate · 24/03/2022 12:30

No it's not all men, and you shouldn't have to remind him or plan it yourself. It's one day a year, the date doesn't change.

My husband would never pull this shit. I wouldn't blame you for divorcing the selfish prick.

SarahDippity · 24/03/2022 12:35

He is in his own way telling your kids that mummy’s birthday isn’t very important, and that nobody has to bother. Very unfair, and a bad example to set.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 24/03/2022 12:48

@Crucible LTB Flowers

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 24/03/2022 12:53

He is in his own way telling your kids that mummy’s birthday isn’t very important, and that nobody has to bother. Very unfair, and a bad example to set.

Unfortunately this, OP. How could he be so inconsiderate. It's just shocking. I certainly don't think I could stay with someone who valued me so little. My OH is bad at organising things, but we both know this and I know his heart is in it and he WANTS to make things special but needs some help, which I'm happy to provide (hints for gifts, things I'd like to do, cards, cakes etc). If I thought he just didn't care, I'd be out the door.

WickedStepmomNOT · 24/03/2022 12:56

@MsTSwift

Urgh. What is the point of him exactly ?

Oh and this “it’s how men are” is an absolute cop out plus nonsense. Dh is amazing at presents and birthdays. He gets our dds presents now as he is so good at it even as teens. Love that this is the model they now have for how to be treated by men.

This - my DH is very good at birthdays, Xmas and 'just because' times. Doesn't have to be expensive, but it's always thoughtful, and that's what OP is missing - her partner just thinking about her for a bit.

My DH does have a downside though - his gifts come wrapped all ragged corners with miles and miles of sticky tape! Luckily I'm happy to wrap all the family and friends gifts, he only does mine.

Marvellousmadness · 24/03/2022 13:22

Realistically.... you should not assume or expect.

You should tell him what you want.

He sounds uncaring and lazy. But you probably already knew that....

ValerieCupcake · 24/03/2022 13:27

@Chilesstanton

What is toilet time Confused
Sitting on the bog with his pants around his ankles reading FourFourTwo.
Zilla1 · 24/03/2022 13:46

It's like hammer time. You can't touch this as it mustn't be interrupted. Does he wear harem pants to go?

ValerieCupcake · 24/03/2022 13:48

@Zilla1

It's like hammer time. You can't touch this as it mustn't be interrupted. Does he wear harem pants to go?
While it's rollin', hold on! Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's goin' on
Titsflyingsouth · 24/03/2022 14:41

YANBU. That is bad form. It doesn't take much effort to organise a card, a present and buy a cake.

He sounds very thoughtless tbh. I'm sorry, OP. You must feel very low.

Duchess379 · 24/03/2022 18:07

Go & buy yourself a bottle of bubbly, a nice cake & a pressie, using his credit card. Why are some men so thoughtless. Fucking arse!
Happy birthday 🎉🍾

worriedatthistime · 24/03/2022 23:03

Poor excuse saying hes a man so thats why
I know women who Are crap at this sort of thing and men
My dh hates a fuss so thought it was ok to be the same
I explained you do what the person likes not just your views
My ds is 16 and he is very thoughtful with gifts, My 18 year old ds needs a bit more reminding
Just different personalities
But that said 18 year old will at least try and a card and flowers at least isn't beyond him

SilverGlassHare · 25/03/2022 08:39

He's obviously a selfish inconsiderate arse.

I think my family must have a very different experience of the run-up to birthdays to most people though - DH and I spend about the two months beforehand saying "It's nearly my birthday, what are you getting me?! Are we going somewhere nice?! Can I have a big cake?! Can we go out for lunch?! Oooo, shall we go away for the night?!".... does no-one else do this?

MMUmum · 25/03/2022 17:43

My Dh completely ignored my 60th apart from.a card. It was in lockdown but he still could have organised flowers, balloons etc. His excuse- you know I'm.not the sort to think.of anything like that, my dd 17 stayed in bed til midday, so I sat in the garden with a glass of prosecco and opened my cards on.my own. Its gone but never forgotten

Mygirlruby · 25/03/2022 17:49

If you want a great birthday and you know your partner won't do anything special, then the only thing for it is to arrange all sorts of treats for yourself next year and he can pay. Either that or be sure to tell him in detail what you want, in advance, and if necessary take the kids to choose the card they want to send you if they're old enough/ able to. Its not quite the same but it's better than the horribly disappointing day you've had.

Wills · 25/03/2022 17:56

I love parties and so for my dh’s 30th and 40th I went all out. My dh HATES parties and so for my 30th and 40th he did nothing. By our 50ths I’d learnt my lesson. For his we flew to India and had an amazing holiday together. For my 50th I organised the best party of my life (excluding my 21st) and told him he wasn’t invited. He thought I was joking and for the few days before the party kept sniping about how much this was horrible and how could I have arranged this knowing how much he hated it. I told him that I really had meant it when I told him he wasn’t invited and that he could French Connection in the UK off! Followed by having the time of my life! …. And so did he!

BUT…. Although our views on how to celebrate occasions are very different he would NEVER forget anything nor take any event of mine (such as this approaching Sunday) lightly - well not since he bought me some potpourri for Mother’s Day and after I bought him some potpourri refresher for Father’s Day he queried why I’d bought it for him as he hates the stuff I pointed out that that was odd cos he must love it to have bought me some of the bloody stuff for Mother’s Day. Apologies to anyone out that likes it - I don’t and after 20 years of living together I expected him to have got that!

But he’s never forgotten, nor been mean intentional or made a mistake more than once. I therefore feel cared for and reading what you’ve said about him I’m not sure you feel he does for you anymore.

FeeLock · 25/03/2022 17:58

I think you have three choices:

  1. Accept that he's thoughtless and selfish and get your enjoyment from others. Once you've taken him out of the equation you don't need to wait until he hurts you on your 50th with his disregard;
  1. Tell him that he's thoughtless and selfish and that you are entitled expect him to remember your birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines, etc, and that you're not going to re-remind him closer to the time;
  1. Find someone who is willing to put you at the top of his list of priorities. You clearly aren't very high in his, unfortunately. Sending you flowers for your birthday. Flowers