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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

40th Birthday disappointment

254 replies

Mumof3boysand1girl · 23/03/2022 23:50

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 25/03/2022 21:59

“Toilet time”?? 😬

If he’s living on his own he can have all the time he wants. In the toilet.

Do actually let him know how you feel though. Don’t fester for another decade ..,

RolyTheRat · 25/03/2022 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BridgesofMadisonfan · 25/03/2022 22:08

@Mumof2xoxoxo

Get a grip. You're lucky you have other family members that treat you and spoil you. You've already said he done this for your 30th so are you really surprised? You know what he's like and chose to stay with him still, yet come on net mums to get sympathy from strangers... Really? Whys it on him to get a card for the kids? Are they not able to make you one? In school? Just because you went "all out" on him for his doesn't mean you should automatically get the same in return. That's not how it's supposed to work. Sounds like he's not into the big lavish celebrations so probably didn't even want you to throw him a party. He is the way he is and you either accept him or walk away. Grow up
What a horrible and unnecessarily nasty post.
Knickerthief1 · 25/03/2022 22:17

My husband really disappointed me on my 40th. I got a balloon and that was all - more than you OP I guess! I was so upset and embarrassed as people kept asking what he had got me. I made it known how hurt I was. Good news is he has made a much greater effort since. There is hope if he listens but if not then he isn't appreciating you!

Thumpkin · 25/03/2022 22:24

Don’t excuse him because he’s a man. Certainly don’t keep quiet to avoid any upset. He needs telling. Plenty of men have busy lives and make their partners feel noticed on their birthdays. He’s selfish and thoughtless. Not even a card?! Not a shop bought cake? Not any sort of gift? There’s absolutely no way I’d put up with this, OP.

londonmummy1966 · 25/03/2022 23:24

@godmum56

and once again the problem (shitty 40th) is not the problem (shitty husband)
Given his devotion to "toilet time" presumably shitty all the time...
NannaKaren · 25/03/2022 23:27

It’s a big deal - arrange something fab for yourself and don’t take him !
Happy Birthday xxx

londonmummy1966 · 25/03/2022 23:38

You could have celebrated your birthday by flushing his phone down the loo...

GingerWit · 26/03/2022 00:02

@Mumof3boysand1girl

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

This is a massive red flag for me, because if he didn't think about you this time around what else doesn't he think about when it comes to you? That's really bad form and I think I would be booking myself into a hotel, leave without saying anything for 2 nights and just send him some pictures of his 40th Birthday party to get him thinking.

If he doesn't do something for you on the weekend, you really need to have a big chat and he really needs to do some heavy duty grovelling...this really is not on.

I personally would leave him over this, because to me it's not really about a Birthday - To me it's an indirect statement from him that he doesn't think much of you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you :(

jamandmarmaladeoncrumpets · 26/03/2022 01:17

@Mumof3boysand1girl

Did he even want the birthday bash you gave him for his 40th?
Or was this the type of birthday bash you expected / wanted?

Lucymay2113 · 26/03/2022 04:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Lucymay2113 · 26/03/2022 04:54

Bridgesofmadison that was to

HELLITHURT · 26/03/2022 05:48

@Lucymay2113

No it's not. Some "Mums" need someone to make them see how stupid they're being. The nice nice approach is just enabling her to act like a petulant child. She had family organise something for her birthday. A lot of people have NO One. She should be grateful for what she did get. And the whole "I did loads for you on you birthday so I want the same in return" is pathetic. You don't give just to expect the same in return, its called being entitled! This woman knows what her husband is like and the fact she's still with him says a lot. Why should he change because of what she thinks? If you don't like it, walk away, don't come on here moaning and playing the victim.. Simple
You sound extremely bitter, no one ever bothered with your birthday? I presume your have NO one who takes the time?

It's not pathetic to expect to be treated well on a milestone birthday. It's not pathetic to expect your DH to take time out of his day to organise something, the same way OP did.

What is pathetic is to say it doesn't matter.

Raise your expectations.

mindermum1 · 26/03/2022 08:24

For about 6 months before my 40th and kept mentioning my ideal celebrations for my 40th. There was no way it wasn’t clear what I expected, big party, cake, 90s night club theme. I totally assumed he would organise it. On the day of my birthday (a weekend) I kept asking what I should wear what time I should be ready for, he said “I’ll have dinner ready for 6”, in the house, with the kids same as any other night of my life. No surprises or big present. I cried at the dinner table. He said I didn’t think you would want anything. I was so hurt it took me a long time to get over it. I had 4 kids with one only a few months old at the time or I think I would have left. Now looking back, two of my boys have been diagnosed as autistic and I see traits in my husband. I think because it’s something he wouldn’t want for his birthday, he couldn’t understand that I actually wanted that. When the time came I threw a big 50th birthday party for myself, exactly as I wanted, so I wasn’t disappointed again.

cigarettesNalcohol · 26/03/2022 08:45

Sounds like what you planned for his 40th is what you would have liked someone to plan for you.

I'm big on birthdays and always want to go all out too so completely understand HOWEVER many people including husbands, mothers, sisters and friends (yes speaking from experience) are happy to take but rarely plan much for you in return. Children don't count obviously...

Over time this has made me really think why do I go all out for them - and it is because I want them to feel special BUT overtime, every once and a while it would be nice if someone could be bothered to do something in return.

Anyway, bottom line, next time you should clearly spell it out and tell him what you want/are expecting.

It's what I do nowadays with my H. I set a clear expectation. He's happier because it takes the guess work out. Sometimes we agree he'll choose something for me by himself. Sometimes I tell him what I'd like. We communicate.

Over the years he has become better and as a minimum he knows to plan cake, card and present. As a minimum.

So no you aren't being unreasonable - it's pretty shitty of your H to have planned absolutely fuck all. Pretty shameful of him really. I'd be very upset op and question why he didn't bother ? I'd talk to him about it and make it clear you aren't happy and what he needs to do to make amends.

Side note - I don't care if the above seems self entitled. Birthdays matter. You're the mother of his kids. His wife. You matter.

Mollymoostoo · 26/03/2022 08:46

@Mumof3boysand1girl

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

My DH is like this. Buys chocolate when I'm on a diet and generally leaves things last minute. His DD has a birthday 2 days after mine and his DF the day before. I was raised in a religion that didn't celebrate birthdays so I feel like I want to celebrate now. This year I booked a weekend to London for me and my big daughter. He is staying home with youngest.
cigarettesNalcohol · 26/03/2022 08:46

To add, the fact that it's your 40th is adding insult to injury.

cigarettesNalcohol · 26/03/2022 08:54

@Lucymay2113

No it's not. Some "Mums" need someone to make them see how stupid they're being. The nice nice approach is just enabling her to act like a petulant child. She had family organise something for her birthday. A lot of people have NO One. She should be grateful for what she did get. And the whole "I did loads for you on you birthday so I want the same in return" is pathetic. You don't give just to expect the same in return, its called being entitled! This woman knows what her husband is like and the fact she's still with him says a lot. Why should he change because of what she thinks? If you don't like it, walk away, don't come on here moaning and playing the victim.. Simple
Jesus Christ. You sound like a taker. I wouldn't dream of letting my partner plan a lovely birthday for me and NOT even bother to buy a card for theirs. It's shameful behaviour tbh and not how you treat a spouse. You sound exactly like op's husband - the type of person who would happily accept all the lovely things done for them on their birthday and not give a fuck about doing anything for theirs. Selfish and lazy.
NeedleNoodle3 · 26/03/2022 08:56

mindermum1 did you genuinely think your DH was planning a club themed party for you? Didn’t you think it was odd none of your friends had mentioned it?
It’s good you planned your own party for your 50th, that’s what I do.

MojoJojo71 · 26/03/2022 09:06

I’m so sorry OP. This happened to me on my 40th so I booked a last minute flight to Lanzarote and took myself and DS on holiday for a week. It was one of the last few straws that broke the back of our relationship and we split not long after.

I hope you manage to enjoy your birthday despite this thoughtless tosser (seriously, I recommend Lanzarote though, it was cheap and beautiful and it gave him the shock of his life when I told him I was heading for the airport)

morbidd · 26/03/2022 09:45

Why do people put up with this shit?

BridgesofMadisonfan · 26/03/2022 12:30

@Lucymay2113

No it's not. Some "Mums" need someone to make them see how stupid they're being. The nice nice approach is just enabling her to act like a petulant child. She had family organise something for her birthday. A lot of people have NO One. She should be grateful for what she did get. And the whole "I did loads for you on you birthday so I want the same in return" is pathetic. You don't give just to expect the same in return, its called being entitled! This woman knows what her husband is like and the fact she's still with him says a lot. Why should he change because of what she thinks? If you don't like it, walk away, don't come on here moaning and playing the victim.. Simple
My giod the ego you have.
sue20 · 26/03/2022 12:37

@Sofasogood1

Happy birthday op! I'm sorry it was a let down. Sorry to say but this isn't a 'man' thing this is just your partner.

I would be very upset and disappointed.

Maybe a bit of an overreaction but 40 is young and I'd rather be alone than with someone who treated me like this...

Happy Birthday!! Yeah agree with this. He sounds like a twat.
Kite22 · 26/03/2022 14:12

What @cigarettesNalcohol said.

OP you have been with him long enough to know that whereas you like going all out on planning a party, he doesn't. So do something about it, if that is what you want. My thinking is 'do it yourself, then you get what you want, and are not putting someone under pressure to do something out of their comfort zone and then worry about still getting it wrong', but, if you feel the need for someone else to book things for you, then tell them what you want. I can't believe the number of MNers who can't communicate with people close to them.

Obviously, I think everyone should make some effort for their partner's birthday, but there is a difference between a card and a meal out, and the full on bells and whistles being talked about.

HELLITHURT · 26/03/2022 15:26

@Kite22

What *@cigarettesNalcohol* said.

OP you have been with him long enough to know that whereas you like going all out on planning a party, he doesn't. So do something about it, if that is what you want. My thinking is 'do it yourself, then you get what you want, and are not putting someone under pressure to do something out of their comfort zone and then worry about still getting it wrong', but, if you feel the need for someone else to book things for you, then tell them what you want. I can't believe the number of MNers who can't communicate with people close to them.

Obviously, I think everyone should make some effort for their partner's birthday, but there is a difference between a card and a meal out, and the full on bells and whistles being talked about.

What a load of rubbish, put of his comfort zone, it's just laziness that stops him.

Uncomfortable buying a card and cake in good time?