40th Birthday disappointment

[Mumof3boysand1girl]

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

DH has traditionally been alternately great and crap at birthdays, Xmas & anniversary. One year I got a diamond bracelet (admittedly our 20th anniversary) the following year an Amazon gift card 😂 however, for BIG birthdays he has always made the extra effort and either discussed what I would like with me or organised something with my DM & DCs. But he has never forgotten or just done nothing, even during lockdown when we were shielding. It sounds to me like your OH has pretty much checked out. To not even have arranged a card or a meal/takeaway shows how much he doesn’t care. I’m sorry he’s been so crap. I hope you had a lovely time with your mum and sister. Happy birthday for yesterday 🎂🎁🎈🍾🎉

Yabu because he didn't do anything for you 30th so why would your 40th be any different? He doesn't celebrate your milestones but for some stupid reason you go all out for his. You are being the idiot here just stop and value yourself a little. Your 40th was a special day and any half decent partner would have at least got a card and cake. Why settle for this? Being a man is a piss poor excuse for not being able to organise something. I'd want more from my partner than this. Honestly I'd say the lack of care, any thought or consideration is the problem here. I'd dump his arse.

Whilst there are different approaches to birthdays - I’m not too bothered about celebrating mine whereas my partner likes a fuss - the idea of not making any effort at all or being able to put himself in your shoes is bizarre and hurtful and unfortunately demonstrates a real lack of care and love. Even if he were to whip out a trip to Venice now, he’s still left you hanging and feeling like sh*t. Is he neurotypical?

Happy 40th birthday you fabulous person!!

I hope you’ve told your shite of a husband what a let down he has been and how he has made you feel. Sometimes they need to hear the cold hard truth. He has a lot of making up to do!

Yabu not to have learnt anything in the 10 years since your 30th!
Decide what you think will make the day special and do it.
I can't even remember my 30th, I am that old. But for my 50th I decided I wanted to go to Scotland, Edinburgh to be precise so that is what I booked. Researched restaurants etc. All he had to do was come with me and the youngest daughter. Which he did.
Now, when someone says what did you do for your 50th, the answer is there. If I hadn't done it, he may or may not have booked a table in a restaurant locally and I would have felt the day hadn't been marked properly. I think it's better to feel a slight annoyance at having to arrange it yourself than carry around the huge annoyance for years that you dint get to mark it properly.

@1AngelicFruitCake

Is it possible you subconsciously set him Up to fail? You knew he’d probably forget but wanted to see if he’d remember. For my 40th I actually sat down with my husband and wrote a bullet pointed list of what I wanted 😄 seems a bit sad but I didn’t want to leave it to chance. It’s a shame he wouldn’t think of it himself but I know he wouldn’t because he’d quite happily have nothing for his own birthday. He’s great and I can forgive him for being rubbish at organising things. I didn’t want an argument on the day. I had a lovely day, nothing over the top just a nice time and the time he spent over that weekend making sure I was happy more than made up for the fact he didn’t organise anything without a prompt.

Happy birthday! Plan something nice for yourself x

Can he remember other things? because I do not buy the "rubbish at organising things" line Can he hold down a job? Does he know when eg his favourite football team is playing? Its not relevant that he doesn;t care about his birthdays, he should care about yours if you do....and I say this from a background of being married to a man who knew what was important to me and supported that. I get that people might need help to choose a gift because that's a bit more nuanced but nor remembering when its important to you....that's says to me not caring.

Happy Birthday!

I'm sorry your big birthday is not what you had hoped for. BUT he did the same thing on your 30th yet here you are 10 years later still allowing him to treat you the same way. He has shown you he doesn't value you. Don't give him the opportunity to treat you this way on your 50th. Or 41st for that matter.

@ImInStealthMode

I'm on the fence here. Yes obviously it's shit that he didn't make any effort at all, but where was the communication beforehand, especially if you know he also didn't make a fuss for your 30th?

'Darling it's my 40th next year and I'd really like to have a party. If we work together to find a good venue and I supply a list of people I'd like to come & things I like to have there can you work with that, or would you like me to be more involved?'

I think if he has long-term form for not being one to make grand surprise gestures you're a bit unreasonable to be annoyed that he hasn't.

I wouldn't dream of expecting my DP to organise a whole circus of celebrations for me unprompted and without any input. Likewise when he was 40 last year I organised what he wanted to do, to his specifications.

Darling, you were a useless wanker on my 30th, make sure you step up big time this year. I won't treat you like a child with a list of things to do, as that would make me disrespect you massively and find you extremely unattractive.

I'm sure you can manage a few things, like a card from you, from the children, you must know me well by now, so you will know my like abs dislikes.

I didn't marry you to micro manage you, because that is a massive turn off!

Oh and I don't need a circus, just some personal things.

@RampantIvy

My DH doesn't make a fuss of my birthday, but he at least doesn't forget it. He is very forgetful and has asked that I don't make a martyr of myself by not saying anything. So I usually say "what shall we do for my birthday?"

His birthday is straight after Christmas so he doesn't make a big deal of it. He hates parties or having people making a fuss of him.I

Did you actually ask your husband what you are doing for your birthday?

He's very forgetful, that's fine. Can he not set up his own reminders? You know alarms, calendars, that type of thing. Why's it your job to manage his forgetfulness? Because he can then pass the blame onto you.... oh you didn't remind me.

He just doesnt care.
Not about you, not about the kids.
Its all about him.
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal?...acceptable in a relationship?
I think you have to value yourself more.
Not getting the birthday celebration...acknowledgement even... is the least of your problems here..

Urgh. What is the point of him exactly ?

Oh and this “it’s how men are” is an absolute cop out plus nonsense. Dh is amazing at presents and birthdays. He gets our dds presents now as he is so good at it even as teens. Love that this is the model they now have for how to be treated by men.

I made up for all the crap birthdays for my 50th said I don’t want to see a show just a meal out saved up for years brought 65 inch tv love it. Set yourself a goal of very special things and have them.

Happy birthday!

He should have organised something and he doesn't need micro-managed. But there's a difference between micro-managing and being clear about what you want. If I wanted a party, I'd discuss it first. I wouldn't want a party during Covid. I can't think of anything worse or more selfish. But I'd communicate what level of celebration I was expecting.

Depending on the age of your DCs, I would have micro-managed them because it's important to counteract the negative messaging they're getting about prioritising his special days and ignoring your's. As soon as my DCs were old enough to understand, I'd tell them when important days were coming up. When they were little, I'd get out the craft stuff and help them make a card (even if it was for me!). Once they had their own money, I'd remind them from about two weeks out that a birthday or celebration was coming up and they should make/buy a card or gift. I feel it's a lesson DCs need to learn - about gratitude; about celebration; about effort for others.

Why do you put up with this? You don’t have to live a life of constant disappointment. Dump him. Get on the dating apps. You’ll have men jumping to treat you and make some effort. Why would you hang around waiting for a disappointing 50th? Seriously what is the point in this kind of life? What are you getting out of this?

Are we alone in always discussing these things in advance, deciding what the birthday partner wants and then making it happen?

Surprise birthdays are fine when you're nine, but after 21 I'm happier to get what I want with a few surprise details thrown in. My 50th is still a year or two away, at the moment I'd be grateful if it just wasn't overshadowed by either a pandemic or WW3.

Oh and for anyone saying “this is how men are” NO.
It’s how disengaged, selfish men are. My ex BF booked a trip to Paris for my 40th as a surprise and used to buy really exciting presents for all anniversaries. He was a good bloke. Most of my BFs have put effort in. It’s easy to spot the ones who won’t. Just don’t keep putting into these guys. There are good ones out there! Make them make effort to date you. There are a tonne of guys waiting on the apps to get involved and date you. Why put up with grumpy, selfish losers. Every single friend I have who has divorced with kids is now with an invested interested lovely guy who thinks the world of them. They are all much happier. You can get somebody better!

@Mumof3boysand1girl

He has nothing planned . He is too consumed with work , football and his toilet time …

He didn’t even have a card for the children to give me in the morning .

Honestly , I’d ignore everything if he just had my children give me a card in the morning . It would set the tone for the day .

How old are your children, Mumof - 4? Is the eldest at least not able to buy a card themselves and organise the other children to make cards?

Some people just don't do birthdays I'm afraid. I daresay husband will turn up with a card later and maybe some flowers. Who knows, he may take you out for a family meal over the weekend to celebrate. I'd be happy with that.

If he is good in other ways, I wouldn't fret too much. However do let him know how you feel, communication is very important and it might make him think a bit - at least for a while.

Pamper yourself today as much as you can! Spend some money on you.

If the football is Sky-mediated, perhaps downgrade the Sky subscription or equivalent for the next month?. Might help him understand.

I’m so sorry you’ve not been shown the love you deserve. I turn 40 next week and would be gutted, although I am as subtle as a sledgehammer so have been involved in the planning - dh has planned but he’s involved me in that. I’ve also arranged a long weekend away with friends in the summer.

@Mumof3boysand1girl

I totally agree with you , your points are valid .

But there has been zero communication on what I’d like . I know he is a man and I know men generally aren’t all creative but if he was stuck on what I want he just has to communication on what and how I’d like to celebrate would have been nice and I’d be happier .

I don't think it's a problem that men generally aren't all creative, it's more a problem that a lot of them simple can't be arsed and see women as people who look after them, not the other way around. They are selfish wankers.

Your totally not being unreasonable! My ex husband did this on my 30th and is one of the many reasons why he's my ex! I couldn't have told him more what I wanted on my 30th be anywhere other than home, even it was a nice hotel an hour away or a day out some where (we had no kids) but nothing we had been together 10 years didnt even know I didn't like chocolate cake and wasn't a pink girly girl but that was the cake he got me so I could say at least he made a tiny bit of effort but in truth it hurt he would make a great effort with the rugby/football/pub mates but not me a couple of months later his best mate turned 30 and he arranged a mini bus and travel for all the boys for a weekend away showed he didn't care our marriage didn't last too much longer after that. I'm now with an amazing man who I know is going to forget my 40th this year 😂 but I'm prepared for that and hes given me a life I could never have imagined before and we will have a new baby then so he will be a tad preoccupied so I can forgive him

@DogInATent

Are we alone in always discussing these things in advance, deciding what the birthday partner wants and then making it happen?

Surprise birthdays are fine when you're nine, but after 21 I'm happier to get what I want with a few surprise details thrown in. My 50th is still a year or two away, at the moment I'd be grateful if it just wasn't overshadowed by either a pandemic or WW3.

We discuss in advance too. I don't understand why you wouldn't. Some people like parties and fuss. Others prefer going away for a holiday or out for a meal. Others prefer to ignore birthdays and pretend they aren't getting older at all. It's better to talk about it than be disappointed.

I wouldn't automatically expect a party or some kind of big surprise (and I wouldn't really have a clue about how to plan something like for someone, to be honest). But then I'm not someone who likes parties and my partner knows that.

However, there are loads of other things he could have done - he could have talked to you beforehand and actually asked what you might like, for a start. It shouldn't be beyond anyone to say to their partner, 'So, it's your birthday soon, isn't it, and it would be nice to do something special - how about a night away somewhere/a shopping spree and a lovely lunch/a day out/a family meal/a party/a particular gift you've always wanted/etc'. At the VERY LEAST he could have sorted out bloody cards and some flowers or something.

I would definitely have had a conversation at some point before the birthday absolutely have got you cards and something to open, or flowers from the kids, or whatever.

A few PPs have said, definitely the children's fault provided they are old enough to walk. Definitely OPs fault for not saying what you'd like. And reminding him. Or buying something yourself. And wrapping it. And writing the card. How is he to know whether you'd like a party or hate it.
He's just being considerate about your feelings. Or something. When did cards from children become a thing anyway? OPs fault for being grabby and having expectations of any effort probably. Consumerism gone made. If he's a bread winner or works or a man then definitely mis-matched expectations. Men can't be creative. Busy at work. Watching football. His hobby of uninterrupted, child-free defecation. Or something. He'll probably treat you to a meal. And no it wouldn't have been your texts or sad face that made him do it, he'd already booked it or made a mental note to sort it so the OP failed her test of being grabby and having ridiculous expectations. HNRTT beyond the last few posts as I'd lose the will to live but have I missed anything?