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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

40th Birthday disappointment

254 replies

Mumof3boysand1girl · 23/03/2022 23:50

It’s my 40th today , my partner didn’t get a card for the kids to give me. Had nothing planned or arranged for me.

His 40th I went all
Out and threw a 40th party with his family and friends and my family too. I made it all about him, took him for food tasting , designed his cake , took him shopping for his outfit, made a playlist , got a back drop and a gorgeous balloon arch for his stage and cake and desserts table .

I know I would get so much for my 40th but I did hope I would get a cake that wasn’t bought last minute .

OP posts:

50DaysAF · 24/03/2022 07:42

If it was the same with your 30th, could you have been more direct?
“I’d like a card from DC to open on my birthday”.

I know you shouldn’t have to but in a v gentle way, he did it for your 30th and you stuck around. He knows he can get away with it.

Personally I agree with those saying save your cash and make a plan for a better life. One with people who appreciate you and wouldn’t need a direct instruction to do something nice on your birthday.

Justilou1 · 24/03/2022 07:43

I forgot to say that my bday is in July and my DH’s is in November. I’m five years older, so he threw a strop when I didn’t organize anything for his 35th bday. By that I mean that he made it until about 10:30am before chucking his binky out of the pram and pointing out my every failure as a wife and human. (Two separate roles, it would seem 😡). I asked if 35 was a particularly significant birthday for him, and he said no, but that didn’t excuse the fact that I had entirely forgotten to “celebrate him.” I asked him what he would consider to be a significant birthday, and he said his 40th, of course. I told him how much I loved that he handed me so much ammunition to shoot his entire argument down. *Absolute bewilderment. I asked if he knew how old I was. “Yes, 40.” Great start….I asked him exactly what he had done for my birthday - five months previously. Strangely, he drew a blank and started spluttering. “I must have given you a card or something.” Nope. Didn’t even say “Happy Birthday”. He heard everyone else call me, but was clammed up tighter than a duck’s bum on the day. I asked how “celebrated” I should be feeling by this stage, with four months worth of resentment and disappointment under my belt. I said “Happy Fucking Birthday, I’m going away for the weekend while you contemplate whether you want to be married or not.”

FabFitFifties · 24/03/2022 07:44

Someone posted almost same thread a couple of weeks ago. Virtually identical.

springtimeishereagain · 24/03/2022 07:46

But why did you go all out for his birthday after he did bugger all for yours? I'd have done just what he did...

And did you tell him clearly and plainly well before today what you expected or wanted to happen??

How much effort d goes her out into the rest of your relationship? Sounds like you feel he doesn't prioritise you?

Happy birthday! 💐

Northernparent68 · 24/03/2022 07:52

@Mumof3boysand1girl

I totally agree with you , your points are valid .

But there has been zero communication on what I’d like . I know he is a man and I know men generally aren’t all creative but if he was stuck on what I want he just has to communication on what and how I’d like to celebrate would have been nice and I’d be happier .

Then why did n’t you communicate, tell him what you’d like.

Newgirls · 24/03/2022 07:52

Definitely organise your own parties going forward. All my friends turning 40 did their own. Husbands tend to help out but they don’t have the same social connections.

But yea he should have got cards, gifts, lovely food in at the very least

billy1966 · 24/03/2022 07:52

Sounds like you have settled very badly in this one life you have OP.

It's certainly not all men, just some like yours.

Very unwise to have made such a fuss of his when he has form.

Stop doing things that benefit only him.

You are making so little of yourself.

He sounds like a shit father too.

Happy birthday.

PriestessofPing · 24/03/2022 07:53

Sorry about your birthday and his lack of thought. What do you want to do now? From what you write, this is just a symptom of a wider more general lack of input, consideration and care from him to you. Is that balanced out by other things, and if so what are those things?

DamnUserName21 · 24/03/2022 07:56

Remember this, OP, for when his next big birthday occurs and do fuck all!

In future, plan your own birthday and make it how you want. Omit H.

reluctantbrit · 24/03/2022 08:05

Does he normally do anything for your birthday?

I find it always interesting that some think their normally not interested or forgetful spouse suddenly throws a huge party for them and are disappointed. Be it birthdays, Christmas or Mother's Day.

DH would forget his own birthday. We did a party for his 50th but more because our then 9 year old insisted on it. He knows my birthday because I drop him a wishlist and make plans for us.

I had a party for my 40th because I organised it. I already said I don't want a party this year when I turn 50 but will go out with 3 friends for an overnight trip. He will happily drop me off at the station with a kiss.

Talk to your spouses, don't just assume.

HELLITHURT · 24/03/2022 08:07

@Mumof3boysand1girl

You are probably right it’s just my partner . I know other men take time out and make their partner feel special .

Honestly, don't let him off with"it's all men" excuse, it's not!

Sorry your birthday was shit.

Brefugee · 24/03/2022 08:07

first off Happy Birthday.
Do you have shared money? book yourself a weekend away, no kids, no DH, just you and whatever you want to do for a weekend.
And celebrate 42 - start telling him now what you want, or plan it yourself.

CallMeDaddy58 · 24/03/2022 08:12

Did he want to be dragged around the shops for you to pick an outfit for him for the party he didn’t ask for? Is he super keen on “beautiful” balloon arches and personalised cakes? It’s all super thoughtful but not necessarily something most DHs would particularly appreciate. Maybe he would have preferred to play Clash of the Clans on the toilet for his birthday? Mine certainly would!

It really sucks that you haven’t got the 40th you hoped for but comparing it to what you did for him is largely irrelevant unless he asked for the party and all the “trimmings”.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you have been give a cake and a card? Just not one specifically from the children? Complaining about it all over texts in your 40s is immature. Have a proper adult conversation face to face.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/03/2022 08:12

Toilet time - in my DF’s case that meant he’d announce that ‘I am going to commune with my soul’ before disappearing for 20+ minutes with the paper.

HoppingPavlova · 24/03/2022 08:21

Exactly. Mine would have point blank refused the shopping for a new outfit and when confronted with a party with balloon arches, a stage and personalised cake would have put a pleasant look on his face and said thank you, but internally would have been eye rolling and thinking ‘fuck, why me, why this, why can’t I just be sitting on the toilet dickering about with my iPad’. So it’s a case of their party is really for you, not them.

balalake · 24/03/2022 08:22

I think it's him and not all men. Even if he had no idea what you would like, he could have said so and asked you.

JackieQueen · 24/03/2022 08:23

I feel your pain, op, it's so upsetting isn't it? Happy birthday for yesterday!

ImInStealthMode · 24/03/2022 08:23

I'm on the fence here. Yes obviously it's shit that he didn't make any effort at all, but where was the communication beforehand, especially if you know he also didn't make a fuss for your 30th?

'Darling it's my 40th next year and I'd really like to have a party. If we work together to find a good venue and I supply a list of people I'd like to come & things I like to have there can you work with that, or would you like me to be more involved?'

I think if he has long-term form for not being one to make grand surprise gestures you're a bit unreasonable to be annoyed that he hasn't.

I wouldn't dream of expecting my DP to organise a whole circus of celebrations for me unprompted and without any input. Likewise when he was 40 last year I organised what he wanted to do, to his specifications.

diddl · 24/03/2022 08:23

You shouldn't have to tell your husband that you'd like a card from your kids on your birthday!

So the 40th that you arranged for him-is that something that you would have liked for you?

He probably enjoyed it-but would he have cared if it hadn't happened?

People often seem to make the mistake of organising what they want for others & seem surprised when they don't get the same back.

Happy Birthday!

GD12 · 24/03/2022 08:26

Same with me so I ignored his 40th this year and didn't go to the party he organised himself! It was my 42nd this year and he went on a stag do on it(although he is the best man).

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 08:27

My exh ruined my 40th.
He was an exh before I was 41.
Remarried a great man on my 44th birthday!!

ImInStealthMode · 24/03/2022 08:27

Also, what @CallMeDaddy58 said. Was his party for him or for you, deep down?

I've been to a few 40th parties for Male friends recently and none of them had any of the level of detail and fuss that Women's parties tend to. They were just spaces in bars for people to get together and have a drink or a dance. No personalised extras and definitely no balloon arches.

Not to say it's not lovely of you to have organised that for him, but was there communication ahead of that one or did you just roll ahead with what you wanted to do?

dottydodah · 24/03/2022 08:29

I dont think all men are like this ,but a lot are! Most women would always take time to remember their loved ones landmark birthdays .Happy Birthday from me BTW! I would say what I would like for my present, plus a nice meal and cake and he goes shopping at the WE. In future no big guns for his 50th and so on .

PinkSyCo · 24/03/2022 08:34

Has your DH only just recently turned into a thoughtless, selfish and mean man or has he always had these traits? How old are your children? Not old enough to make you a card?

gingerhills · 24/03/2022 08:34

@Nannyamc

Happy Birthday. My DH did not appear to acknowledge mine. Next day was whisked off to Paris for 4 days.

Why do people do this? Why do they let loved ones think they are undervalued first? Why not make a fuss on the day and whisk you off to Paris?

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