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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
Laniania · 23/03/2022 23:06

Very rude. My child will ask for permission to leave when he's finished and I usually give it. Neither DH or I would dream of doing this; we are eating together, not just at the same time. Dinner isn't a particularly important time for us to catch up, as we spend plenty of time all together, but one of us (usually DH) has cooked a meal from scratch and I wouldn't walk off as soon as I've filled my belly.

BogRollBOGOF · 23/03/2022 23:15

We generally leave the table when we're all finished.

If DS1 is taking a particularly long time to finish off, I ask if he wants the company or is happy on his own.

If DS2 skedadles off to the toilet or the TV, he has to return because "we like the pleasure of his company".

DH gets in late. The rest of us are in and out for activities. Dinner is an important catch-up time.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 23/03/2022 23:22

I would find this very rude. We all stay at the table until everyone has finished, and then we have a routine of jobs we all share (including DH and both kids) to get the dishwasher/washing up done, cat fed, kitchen tidied. It's never all left for one person to do. If my DH went off to watch telly straight from the table when the rest of us were eating, I'd think he was very poorly raised and was setting a terrible example for our children.

WrongWayApricot · 23/03/2022 23:26

I was brought up to wait but I prefer the atmosphere in households that don't. I'm a slow eater and hate having to decide whether to finish the food I'm really enjoying. Or, stop eating to release the other diners from the weird societal obligation to stay with me. It feels nice when everyone is free to come and go from the table when they want to.

Walkingalot · 23/03/2022 23:27

It's rude, disrespectful, ignorant and setting a bad example to the kids.

5foot5 · 23/03/2022 23:29

@Ragwort

My DF (who died last year aged 90) would always stand up when a woman entered the room ... he was certainly not landed gentry Grin.
Yes, probably a practice that has largely died out but certainly used to be considered good manners for ment to stand when a woman entered the room. Or if you went somewhere, like a restaurant, the men remain standing until the women have sat down.

I remember as a teenager coming across a book aimed at girls with advice on lots of social situations. However, it had been written in the 40s or 50s I think. I do remember them mentioning the standing up thing and it advised that if for any reason you did not want to sit immediately you should tell the males in your party "Do please sit" otherwise they would have to remain awkwardly standing until you were ready to sit.

I remember at secondary school we had to stand at the start of a lesson when the teacher came in and if the headmaster came in at any point you all had to stand, even if the teacher was in the middle of something

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 23:40

[quote PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn]@limitedperiodonly oh I see Grin

If I went out with someone who's male family members always stood when I entered I'd be tempted to keep going in and out![/quote]
Like a cuckoo clock! That's dead posh. My parents had a cuckoo clock they brought back from holiday in Switzerland. It would strike on the hour but first the little woman would come out of her house (home) and then the man and then the cuckoo would come out of the top.

It was a thing of wonder. I wonder where it's gone. To be honest it was a bit annoying and my dad only used to wind it on special occasions.

I wasn't aware that we were dead posh because we all ate on trays on our laps in front of the telly and got up when we wanted without discussing Wittgenstein or even Dana winning the Eurovision Song Contest which according to people on here is very common and exceedingly rude.

But we must have been a bit posh because my parents went on holiday to Switzerland and they weren't even Swiss and I don't think we had a Swiss bank account because we lived in a council house. But they bought it and built an extension. Maybe we were nouveau riche. My mum was the first in our road to buy M&S frozen lasagne.

Maybe my parents were Nazis. If they were they kept it well hidden. That would be about as fantastical as the people on this thread pronouncing that they regard it as terribly rude to get up from the dining table before Mama has retired to bed. Good fucking grief. It's so hard to know where you are class-wise on Mumsnet.

WeasilyPleased · 23/03/2022 23:40

As kids we had to ask if we could leave the table. Dad used to say "Well you can't take it with you." Every single day!

Wallawallakoala · 23/03/2022 23:49

@limitedperiodonly I always ate on a little table in front of the telly, it was great actually and yeah I cleared when I'd finished and sat back down or wandered off or whatever.

I don't know why but I'd feel it was rude if we were sat at the table and dp now wandered off. Actually come to think of it I think it's more because he would be leaving me to feed and clear up 2 young DC with the assumption he would go and watch TV.

limitedperiodonly · 24/03/2022 00:15

@Wallawallakoala I agree it would be rude if someone got up without a word from their dinner but that would be the same if it was egg and chips in front of the telly or caviar in a restaurant.

But I do not believe the sign of good manners is to make people sit down with you at the dinner table and converse like they are chimps and you are introducing them to human society.

Ceci03 · 24/03/2022 00:17

rude rude rude rude rude rude

And even ruder when he knows it upsets you, and would make you happy to spend some time chatting at the table.

Stuff like this makes me mad, in a nutshell. Even if it was how he was brought up, it's rude and mean. and very disrespectful to his wife and children.

FortunesFave · 24/03/2022 01:43

@WrongWayApricot

I was brought up to wait but I prefer the atmosphere in households that don't. I'm a slow eater and hate having to decide whether to finish the food I'm really enjoying. Or, stop eating to release the other diners from the weird societal obligation to stay with me. It feels nice when everyone is free to come and go from the table when they want to.
Oh this is it exactly. My friends are wonderful but weirdly old fashioned about meals. She's a feminist but he sits at the head of the table...weird and odd.
BOOTS52 · 24/03/2022 05:45

It is rude and had male family members growing up who would do this and they did not want to sit and chat and no one else got the remote control only them. You need to talk to him and tell him that you took the time to cook and it is the only time you all get to have a bit of proper time together. If you go out for a meal is it all a rush also?

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2022 07:17

He wasn’t brought up very well then; very rude behaviour

Nice how he just ignores you as well, does he usually do that?

C8H10N4O2 · 24/03/2022 12:58

Very poor manners and more saliently a poor example for the DC. Eating is a social act and this teaches children that food is just to be gobbled and your companions are not important.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 24/03/2022 17:47

Very rude. He should stay and chat with the family.

bemusedmoose · 24/03/2022 17:47

my ex would do it and i always thought it rude. He wouldnt let the kids do it though - they had to stay until everyone was finished (sod would usually make sure he had seconds just to make them stay there) even if they were done and asked politely he made them stay but if he wanted to watch tv he would suck down his food, clear the table and leave. Sometimes trying to take stuff people were still eating away too.

But yeah some families do just let the kids down after they have finished and clearly he never made it to the adult level of table manners where you stay til everyone is finished.

Mumontour85 · 24/03/2022 17:48

My Dad used to sit at the dinner table and read his newspaper and mostly ignore us - just because this was my 'norm' growing up, doesn't mean I don't see how fucking rude it is/ was.

Your husband is an ass for this, and his excuse just makes him worse. I bet as a child he hated that his dad/ parents did this to him. And here he is, carrying the behaviour on.....

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 24/03/2022 17:54

I wouldn’t have that from my kids, definitely not an adult! Really insulting. We have ‘no screens at the table’ and we wait for everyone to finish. Kids were taught that from nursery. SO disrespectful. I’m cross for you. What happens when you have people over, or go out for a meal?

YDBear · 24/03/2022 18:03

Utterly uncouth. That bit of time is one of the most valuable for a family, especially on weekdays. He obviously doesn't give a stuff about his family. Probably resents having kids in the first place.

user1465822474 · 24/03/2022 18:19

My DH has the most atrocious table manners- he's from a posh background (unlike me) and I don't chew loudly with my mouth open, crunch ice cubes, spit them out, put them back in mouth, crunch some more, spit out... (all while sat next t me trying to watch telly). I got so fed up last time i took his glass with his bloody chewed ice in it off him and poured it down the sink. He also talks with mouth full, bangs his teeth when chewing and does the most atrocious farts. But apart from all this he's lovely.

NickHS · 24/03/2022 18:27

Family mealtimes at home together are precious. He should be setting an example. Call him out on this big time!

Lindylindyloo · 24/03/2022 18:32

Yup - it’s rude & sets a bad example to the dc

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 24/03/2022 18:38

Rude! Without doubt! He could do cleaning up dishes if he doesn't want to sit.. or make tea/coffee for you/himself and sit back down at table or drink it at worktop while chatting. It's disrespectful to you.

user1471519931 · 24/03/2022 18:45

Hell no would I tolerate this