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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 21:28

@XingMing

Also, who puts all the dinner stuff in the dishwasher and tidies round? Does he come in from the TV room once the kids have finished eating and put dishes away, wipe surfaces etc.? Or is that left to you and/ or the kids?

Who cares who does it? What matters is that it is done, so the next day starts with a clean fresh tidy kitchen.

Well it matters if the OP's doing it every day and isn't sitting down til 9:30pm when her husband is sat on his arse from 7:30 onwards.
ChickenStripper · 23/03/2022 21:29

[quote Daffodils22]@ChickenStripper rude![/quote]
and you were equally so.

Canyouanswermyquestion · 23/03/2022 21:29

Im sorry but he's an adult and it's completely his choice whether he get's up or stay's seated. Yabu

Sleepdeprived42long · 23/03/2022 21:30

I get that it doesn’t comply with social norms but I can’t understand why we think this behaviour is rude apart from because we’ve been taught that it is! If he gets up in the middle of a conversation, yes that’s disrespectful = rude. If he gets up and leaves you to sort out the kids, that’s unhelpful. But if he’s finished, the conversation has ended and it’s near the end of the meal anyway I don’t really see what’s so bad about it!

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 21:31

It's not trivial though - it's part of a man playing an important part in his family life, a chance to catch up , a time to discuss things, air issues etc and to quite simply communicate . Maybe you have lower standards for family life

Would you feel the same way if said man did all those things, just on the sofa after dinner? Because this is literally just a matter of not everyone thinking this has to happen during dinner specifically. OPs husband may or may not be doing them, but the fact remains there is no specific reason any of those things need to happen whilst eating.

Daffodils22 · 23/03/2022 21:33

@ChickenStripper really lol your comment was a personal dig at alleged low standards! Back off lady

Bonbon21 · 23/03/2022 21:34

Rude.... and a shame..
Family meals are a great chance to bond and build conversation skills with your kids... develop relationships.. and a sense of humour!!
He is missing a lot... does he do everything the way he was brought up... like no opinions or habits of his very own??

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2022 21:35

It's not trivial though - it's part of a man playing an important part in his family life, a chance to catch up , a time to discuss things, air issues etc and to quite simply communicate . Maybe you have lower standards for family life

This is just not true. You can discuss anything at any time. Why is ‘communicating’ only taking place at a table? We chat and communicate all day long. Why is a table so special?

Wallawallakoala · 23/03/2022 21:48

Rude, childish and a bad example but I still have to tell my dp to put his phone down at the table. Winds me up so much

FinallyHere · 23/03/2022 21:51

Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating?

Well, no. If I share a meal with someone, I expect that they will stay at the table until everyone has finished. This is what we taught DC.

It wouldn't work for me, for someone to get up and leave the table just because they are finished.

I think it also depends on how well you can tolerate the sound of eating..

There should be no sound of eating. That is part of the purpose of eating together as a family, so that the DC learn to eat without disturbing anyone else's enjoyment.

Lalliella · 23/03/2022 21:54

Rude and selfish. And he’s pathetic to blame his upbringing. Does he not have a mind of his own? Can he not make his own decisions? I was brought up a Tory but I soon put that right!

katepilar · 23/03/2022 21:55

Very rude.
And I am not even English :D

SingingSands · 23/03/2022 21:57

I think it's rude and my DH does this. I've told him many times I think it's disrespectful to the rest of us. Then he sits back down with a face on him, which isn't much better!

Funnily enough, when we are at his parents we all sit around the table until everyone is finished, and he happily does it then.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 21:58

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

It's not trivial though - it's part of a man playing an important part in his family life, a chance to catch up , a time to discuss things, air issues etc and to quite simply communicate . Maybe you have lower standards for family life

This is just not true. You can discuss anything at any time. Why is ‘communicating’ only taking place at a table? We chat and communicate all day long. Why is a table so special?

Generally it's the first time you'll get everyone sat down together at the end of the day. It's a nice time to all catch up on each other's days together.
Characterisartion · 23/03/2022 22:03

It's shockingly rude. Almost like he's finished and he is in chillout mode so not interested in chatting, bonding, engaging in actual family life before the TV goes on. And as others said, how likely is it that he's pulling his weight in terms of clear up, washing up and putting away.

I agree with the posters who are saying he's not role modelling being a good family member - I expect, and get, more out of our 3 year old than the op's DH seems to think is normal or reasonable here!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/03/2022 22:03

@JayAlfredPrufrock

It’s beyond rude.

If he can’t be arsed to sit with his family at the dinner table I’d suggest he eats elsewhere.

What does he do when you eat at a restaurant?

Is the tv more important to him than his family?

What does he do when they eat at a restaurant? I'm guessing he gets his phone out, taps his foot and starts looking at his watch.
JayAlfredPrufrock · 23/03/2022 22:04

@CurlyhairedAssassin

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 22:05

Generally it's the first time you'll get everyone sat down together at the end of the day. It's a nice time to all catch up on each other's days together.

But this is just not true of everyone.

It also doesn't mean these conversations couldn't happen after eating.

Thighdentitycrisis · 23/03/2022 22:06

It’s rude

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 22:07

Some people have a weird middle class fantasy world where we all sit round a dinner table discussing things with each other. Meanwhile...

FortunesFave · 23/03/2022 22:08

I can't stand formal rules at home. I agree that in a formal setting, everyone should abide by the rules of staying at the table and so forth but at home? Bugger that. What's so bad about being left to eat alone anyway? It's eating! Not something terrible and scary.

RosesAndHellebores · 23/03/2022 22:09

I'd go beyond rude and say Ill mannered. However, there must have been other signs much earlier in your relationship that aspects of his upbringing were beyond the pale.

NoSquirrels · 23/03/2022 22:09

that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do

Well, it was rude then and it’s rude now. He wasn’t taught manners as a child and now he’s a rude adult. And pretty selfish, too.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 22:11

@aSofaNearYou

Generally it's the first time you'll get everyone sat down together at the end of the day. It's a nice time to all catch up on each other's days together.

But this is just not true of everyone.

It also doesn't mean these conversations couldn't happen after eating.

Hence the 'generally' and it appears that this is the case with OP's family
CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/03/2022 22:12

@aSofaNearYou

I am surprised that you think it is "formal" it is so completely normal and good manners to all stay until everyone finishes at a family meal.

What people who were raised this way seem to be completely incapable of comprehending is that for many, it's also completely normal to NOT wait until everyone has finished. In the same way it's normal to leave the living room or kitchen while someone else is still there. It is simply not a thing for everyone that you have to stay at the table. Why is that so hard for people to seperate themselves from their own experiences to imagine?

Of course it's not the same as leaving the living room or kitchen while someone else is there. Because if you walk out of a living room then anyone else in there can follow you out if they want to ask your something or tell you something. But a person who is in the middle of eating their meal is kind of stuck there! If someone leaves the room where they are, it's a bit of a "talk to the hand" abrupt end to the social interaction really.