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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 23/03/2022 22:14

We used to have to ask to get down from the table. It's bad manners to leave without excusing yourself.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 22:15

Of course it's not the same as leaving the living room or kitchen while someone else is there. Because if you walk out of a living room then anyone else in there can follow you out if they want to ask your something or tell you something. But a person who is in the middle of eating their meal is kind of stuck there! If someone leaves the room where they are, it's a bit of a "talk to the hand" abrupt end to the social interaction really.

So? I can see your point if you are in the middle of a conversation when you leave, but if you're not then you aren't rudely cutting off a conversation, you're just not starting one at that exact moment and could do so later.

BrutusMcDogface · 23/03/2022 22:20

It’s rude and my dp does it. He’s started hanging around for longer but it still ends up being me and the kids left at the table.

threecupsofteaminimum · 23/03/2022 22:20

It's highly ignorant and extremely rude. My ex husbands father used to do it, it's so fucking selfish, like, cannot you at least spending a short time chatting with your family over dinner.

Our cousins on the Continent must find it appalling!

dollymuchymuchness · 23/03/2022 22:21

Extremely rude.

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 22:23

When I was about 10 I had Sunday dinner (lunch) with my parents on the new pine table in the kitchen extension. My sister had already gone but I said: "Please may I get down from the table?"

My parents quite rightly looked at me like I was cracked in the head and nodded.

I'd been reading a lot of Enid Blyton.

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 22:27

I do know never to say "meal" though. As dreadful as saying "home" or "beverage".

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 23/03/2022 22:29

@limitedperiodonly

When I was about 10 I had Sunday dinner (lunch) with my parents on the new pine table in the kitchen extension. My sister had already gone but I said: "Please may I get down from the table?"

My parents quite rightly looked at me like I was cracked in the head and nodded.

I'd been reading a lot of Enid Blyton.

I still sometimes say this automatically when I go home to visit 🤣

What's wrong with "home"? Not heard that one

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 22:29

Or "whilst" - where is that [shudder] emoticon when you want it?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/03/2022 22:30

We were never an "eat at the table" family, we'd all just eat in the lounge so would be in the same room even if we finished then went about watching tv. Once i got to highschool age we didn't have set meals either, my mum had a weight watchers ready meal when she came in from work at 5, so didn't have the same thing or eat at the same time with me, sister and dad. Once we were old enough to make our own food we all just made our own dinner when we wanted it, so never had a structured meal plan.

I don't think he's being rude at all, he's an adult, he should be allowed to go and watch TV if he wants to, providing the children are capable enough to not need supervision. If they do, then it should be taken in turns each day who watches them.

FabFitFifties · 23/03/2022 22:32

My DP does this too - I also think it is rude

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/03/2022 22:36

@aSofaNearYou

Of course it's not the same as leaving the living room or kitchen while someone else is there. Because if you walk out of a living room then anyone else in there can follow you out if they want to ask your something or tell you something. But a person who is in the middle of eating their meal is kind of stuck there! If someone leaves the room where they are, it's a bit of a "talk to the hand" abrupt end to the social interaction really.

So? I can see your point if you are in the middle of a conversation when you leave, but if you're not then you aren't rudely cutting off a conversation, you're just not starting one at that exact moment and could do so later.

It's not about whether the person leaving a room wants to START or be the subect of a conversation or not, is it, it's about continuing to be an active listener to the others already talking. If you leave the room while someone is talking generally to the others round the table then it sends the message that you find it all a bit boring and not worth your time, doesn't it?

I guess in some families there is not a lot of chitchat going on around the dinner table, though, and so leaving the room where no-one is saying anything wouldn't be quite so rude, I guess. We are all busy in our house so we tend to keep to these mealtime unspoken rules for a reason - it's our social time to listen to each other's chat about how their day has been, any news about friends, school, work, make plans together. After our evening meal some of us might have to go back to do some work or homework, or some watch the football match while others might not want to. Other nights we'll watch a programme together, but we wouldn't talk all the way through it, so our opportunity for conversation and catch up is round the dinner table.

Suits us but maybe some families have more opportunities for shared conversations together at other times. We don't.

hazandduck · 23/03/2022 22:38

I would think it quite rude, OP. We make our kids ask to leave the table (they are 2 and 4 - the 2 year old is usually half way off the bench and wouldn’t stop even if we said no to her “please may I leave the table?” but still she’s learning 😂).

My DH’s family eat really fast and sort of rush you to finish and take everyone else’s plates out whilst you’re still eating and start loading up the dishwasher. I grew up in a house where we spent hours round the table all just chatting (big family and French relatives and it always seemed the norm over in France) we also ate extremely late! Even now my kids eat later than most of my friends’ children.

Everyone is different but I do think those evening meals chatting are a really lovely part of family life and you clearly value it too, I would definitely be asking DH to stay until we’d all finished.

CrotchetyQuaver · 23/03/2022 22:41

Does he do that if you have friends over for a meal? I'd be surprised if he does it then.
If he was my DH I wouldn't find that acceptable and it doesn't set a good example to your DC either. The simple act of all sitting around a table eating together seems to be a vital part of a happy family life and having happy children with good social skills. He should step up or rather stay seated and engage in conversation as a good father if for no other reason.

aylis · 23/03/2022 22:42

Wouldn’t bother me except if he was just leaving me to deal with the kids and the tidying, but I didn’t grow up with everyone tied to the table either. I much prefer informal eating on knees.

I can absolutely see why people would find it rude.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 23/03/2022 22:43

Rude rude rude!

5foot5 · 23/03/2022 22:43

Yes, rude.

Even at primary school when we had school dinners we had to wait until everyone at the table had finished before we were allowed to get up and go out to play.

It might help if occasionally and unpredictability dessert is offered to those who are still at the table when everyone is finished.
Oh yes, do this! Divide the pudding 3 ways between you and the DC so that if he notices and comes rushing back to the table saying "Oh I didn't know there was pudding" you can then say "Oh dear, there isn't any left now. I thought you had had enough to eat when you left the table"

limitedperiodonly · 23/03/2022 22:47

@PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn I go home which is to my house or my parents' house. But I live in a house.

I'm being facetious. It's a silly little pretension like pretending that what makes a perfect family is sitting round a dinner table discussing things like you are in a TV costume drama. You should do what you want. Most families are perfectly capable of working out manners and respect.

There was some soppy cow on here a few years ago who used to claim her dear old mum was descended from landed gentry and that all the menfolk stood up when she entered the room. She said she had to teach her husband how to do it because he wasn't used to the likes of her mother and had appalling manners.

Now I realise she was must have been having us on. What kind of normal person would do that?

LocalHobo · 23/03/2022 22:50

Spectacularly rude.
That is why we don't all eat together at a table every evening. When we do, we all wait until everyone has finished but most evening's we eat in shifts (and adults on front of the tv). We only eat formally about 3 times per week.

Chely · 23/03/2022 22:50

Wouldn't bother me at all. All free to leave the table once done at our house, I would only expect everyone to stay at table if we were at a restaurant.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 23/03/2022 22:50

@limitedperiodonly oh I see Grin

If I went out with someone who's male family members always stood when I entered I'd be tempted to keep going in and out!

Technosaurus · 23/03/2022 22:52

Yep, he's been badly brought up, it's rude

Ragwort · 23/03/2022 22:55

My DF (who died last year aged 90) would always stand up when a woman entered the room ... he was certainly not landed gentry Grin.

Mariposista · 23/03/2022 22:56

It is extremely rude. My gran always taught us you NEVER start eating until everyone has been served and you NEVER get down until everyone has finished. Usually it's the kids who need reminding!

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 23:01

@CurlyhairedAssassin Where is the assumption that someone is always in the middle of talking when the other person leaves coming from? If I was in the middle of a conversation I would stay, but conversations are not generally long monologues, the subject comes to a natural conclusion making it a perfectly natural time to leave the table if you've finished. Each topic might only last a minute or so.

I think it's interesting what you've said about your family generally being pretty busy and this being the main, perhaps only time you all sit and talk. That comes up quite a lot in this debate on here from people arguing that anyone NOT doing this must be rude and uninterested in talking to their family, which I find quite ironic as actually they are describing a situation where their family barely talks to each other APART from at mealtimes. Why is it rude to be the other way around? Mealtimes are a very small section of the day compared to the rest of it.

I can see why it would seem essential to use mealtimes as crucial bonding time, as so many have said on here, if your kids barely leave their rooms the rest of the time or you are all so busy this is the only time you talk. But I have never been in a family dynamic like that - we've always spent lots of time together in and around meals, with plenty of time to talk. So why are people assuming with such certainty that if you don't exclusively bond with your family and talk about their days during dinner, you must have no bond and know nothing about them?