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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/03/2022 23:02

@Gowithme

Oh god I hated being made to sit at the table waiting for other people to finish when I was growing up so we've never had this rule in our house. I hate rules that are just for rules sake because 'it's considered polite'.
Yes understand different rules... But surely part of it is social... To teach your kids to interact with others in a pro social way?

It may even be fun!

I used to hate it as a kid. But it did teach me how to engage with other people

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 24/03/2022 23:04

@MargeSimpson79

Thank you all for your views! Mostly in line with my own feelings as well.

To answer a few of the common questions

He actually is like this at restaurants too - god forbid I have half a glass of wine left when he’s finished his food! He just generally hates to sit around after he’s finished eating. If we have people over he wouldn’t go and watch tv but would probably start clearing up a bit.

Sadly the dc are already in the habit of leaving the table when they’ve finished and dashing off to the tv Blush I’m the only one that stays.

I cook and clean up most days but dh works full time and I’m only part time. He will clean up if asked but I usually don’t bother as he always looks a bit affronted Hmm

In all honesty he is not great at spending time with the dc although he would probably disagree, and as a family it must be said we have a bit too much time on screens etc not enough time playing eg board games etc. but that’s one of the reasons I see dinner time as more important. Dh works away or late regularly anyway so it’s only maybe 3/4 meals a week we’re together.

I guess it’s time for another chat about it!

This makes it even worse... So he's rarely there... And when he is, he's desperate to spend as little time with his family.

My father was only there for weekend lunches... He did similarly.. It was a very bad role model

LoisLane66 · 24/03/2022 23:36

Older people will say it's rude. Young uns will say it's normal as most people don't even sit at a table to eat and many families don't even eat at the same time.
I prefer to sit down and all finish together, with one clearing the table and one loading the dishwasher or doing them by hand.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 24/03/2022 23:40

Incredibly rude.

My exh used to do similar - he’d leap up as soon as he’d finished and start digging around for pudding. And then he wondered why the kids didn’t feel they had to finish their food before getting up!

chaosmaker · 25/03/2022 00:13

@LabelMaker

I think it depends on what you did when you were bought up. I was always told to ask to get down and that translates to excusing yourself as you get older. But my DH's family just get up and wander off when done. I think it also depends on how well you can tolerate the sound of eating..
Eating is a quiet thing apart from crunching sometimes. Can't cope with people that chew with their mouths open or talk while they have food in their mouths though. Disgusting! [vomit emoji but don't know how to insert one]
YupNameChangeAgain · 25/03/2022 07:55

It is very rude that he won’t speak with his kids after dinner

I would have a chat
If he finds it frustrating to chat - why don’t you give him a clearing up to do .
You shop/ plan/ cook and engage kids. He only has to clear up after dinner ( leave him some other small jobs to do at the same time if he is too quick/ you are too tidy beforehand)
He is only allowed to get up if he is doing something manual right next to you and joining in conversation… he might find this less pressure amd more fun as it is open plan and he might find it less frustrating to have a job that needs doing

Hoy may find it easier to engage kids on chat and stay to the end

If you need screens - make it a joint game / quiz
If we have to have screens - We play things like janes corden taller or shorter. We pause it each time so we can all shout out taller or shorter and then we laugh together . It is screen time but it is family time

I would love other ideas

Boood · 25/03/2022 08:42

We weren’t even allowed to ask to “get down” as children. I picked it up at a friend’s house and tried it out one time, and my dad said “why, are you a dog?” Later I heard my parents discussing whether they needed to be more careful about whose house I was allowed to visit for dinner 😂

smilingontheinside · 25/03/2022 09:54

This would have been seen as rude when I was brought ip and my kids were brought ipbthe same. Everyone stays at the table until everyone has finished. It was our family chat time and my kids now do same with their children.

Shell4429 · 25/03/2022 12:13

I hate waiting for people to finish eating, I eat fast and I would rather chill out than sit at a table waiting for everyone else to finish. My solution is to not have a table. We eat in front of the telly.

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 13:57

There are loads of reasons why you wouldn't want to linger over the table.

Last night I met a friend at a cinema and had dinner afterwards. The film was only on near me and I had a 20 minute journey home and hers was 90 minutes.

She asked if we could get the bill and I said yes because even though I had half a glass of wine left I didn't want to neck it in one and didn't think it was fair that I'd be in bed while she was still on her way home.

She is the last person you'd describe as rude, rude, rude.

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 14:05

@limitedperiodonly the equivalent of your situation to this would've been if your friend put her half of the cost of the bill on the table and got up and walked off.

SartresSoul · 25/03/2022 14:51

I don’t stay at the table until everyone has finished because the last to finish is almost always my eldest who has been a fussy eater since he was four. This means he sits picking and prodding at his food sometimes for like 40 minutes until he sheepishly shows us the plate and asks if his five mouthfuls is enough. I don’t want to sit there for 40 mins watching him painfully poke his food around so I get up way before he’s finished to clean up.

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 15:27

[quote girlmom21]@limitedperiodonly the equivalent of your situation to this would've been if your friend put her half of the cost of the bill on the table and got up and walked off. [/quote]
It's not at all. If I'd said I wanted to finish my wine she would have stayed for a while but why would I want to inconvenience her? We are friends.

Being friends means people are not obliged to hang around just because it's expected.

Ideally you should make a socially acceptable excuse like: "I am so sorry but I am overwhelmed with fatigue and need to go to bed immediately/my horse is running in a vitally-important live race and I have bet the house on it/I am needed for my shift at The Samaritans" rather than: "I don't want to listen to any more of your dull small talk like I am at one of Margot Leadbetter's dinner parties."

But you just work it out for yourself, don't you?

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 15:35

@limitedperiodonly but that's the point - the two of you communicated. She wanted to leave and you were happy with that.

The OP's husband is getting up and walking off without saying a word. That's what's rude.

beachcitygirl · 25/03/2022 16:02

Very very rude & what's more a bad example for your kids.

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 16:16

@girlmom21 where do you get the idea that OP's husband is getting up and walking off without saying a word? That wouldn't be just rude it would be weird. It seems to be a habit that has developed. Though I do agree that communication is the key to a happy marriage as in so many things.

If you tell people that what you want to do is different to them then that doesn't make you wrong or rude just different to them. Some people have difficulty understanding this.

VampireMoney · 25/03/2022 16:24

The OP's husband is getting up and walking off without saying a word. That's what's rude.

Where are you getting this from? That's not what OP said

Aria999 · 25/03/2022 16:25

It's rude.

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 16:26

Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating.

He's not excusing himself is he 🙄

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 17:51

@girlmom21

Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating.

He's not excusing himself is he 🙄

They have discussed this. How would excusing himself make any difference?

Him: Please may I be excused?
Her: No. I want you to sit here and watch the rest of us eat and make conversation about our day.
Him: We have talked about this. I am an adult human and there is something I want to watch on the telly in the other room so I am going.

That's bald but no amount of conversation pretties it up unless your idea of polite conflict resolution is: "We're going to talk about what to do and then then do what I want."

Relationships are about accepting that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do in order to make someone else happy if we want to be with that person. Sometimes we do things that we don't want to because it makes us happy to please the other person. But it depends how much and how many other things you do for them and what they willingly do for you in return.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 25/03/2022 18:00

That's dreadful etiquette. Does he start eating his meal before everyone is served as well? Does he leave his knife and fork crossed on the plate when he's finished, instead of to the side. Is he surfing on his phone at the table? It's very, very bad form. I couldn't live with that, even for one day. He's not teaching the children how to behave at the table either. Something which could bite them in the bum, if they're ever at an important meal later in life.

Clymene · 25/03/2022 18:05

He's very rude. And being a poor parent

VampireMoney · 25/03/2022 18:33

@girlmom21

Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating.

He's not excusing himself is he 🙄

So is he supposed to say 'please may I be excused?' And ask his wife for permission to do something?? He's an adult human ffs, not a child. I'm sure he won't just stand up in silence and walk away, presumably he'd say something like right I'm off to watch xyz.

And no, I don't think it's rude at all. In fact I think it's odd to sit on ceremony while everyone else eats a regular weekday family dinner. If he's forced to sit there when he doesn't really want to it'll show.

Clymene · 25/03/2022 18:44

I dunno, he could engage with his family rather than treating them as disrupters to his busy telly watching schedule @VampireMoney?

No one needs to watch live telly anymore either. So he's basically telling him children he finds them a boring inconvenience.

What a prince! Hmm

limitedperiodonly · 25/03/2022 18:55

@TortugaRumCakeQueen

That's dreadful etiquette. Does he start eating his meal before everyone is served as well? Does he leave his knife and fork crossed on the plate when he's finished, instead of to the side. Is he surfing on his phone at the table? It's very, very bad form. I couldn't live with that, even for one day. He's not teaching the children how to behave at the table either. Something which could bite them in the bum, if they're ever at an important meal later in life.
Carson! I rang for the [snort] emoticon.