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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2022 20:08

I get that occasionally one of you might be busy or shattered and then you don't worry too much, but routinely leaving the table when others are eating is just plain rude. Why does he think he's so special that he gets to do this?

To me, it would feel like living with a grumpy housemate, not a partner.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2022 20:09

@TheOriginalEmu

If you want to leave when you’ve finished in my house you can. Watching other people eat is deeply uncomfortable for me and sitting there whilst others chew and use cutlery on plates etc goes through me.
Didn't anyone teach you to try to eat at the same pace as others so you don't finish way ahead of everyone else?
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/03/2022 20:11

@Gwenhwyfar

Not being allowed to leave the table until everyone has finished seems overly formal to me for a family meal. Etiquette doesn't always apply eg you shouldn't start your meal until everyone has been served, but if you're at the work canteen and you've only got ten minutes, what are you going to do?
really? I very much disagree-it is not formal-it is manners, consideration and family time. It is important-

I am surprised that you think it is "formal" it is so completely normal and good manners to all stay until everyone finishes at a family meal-obvious exceptions would be things like breakfast with ppl dating off to school and work but when everyone is at home for evening meal you stay.

Fernandina · 23/03/2022 20:12

It's his way of getting out of the wifework of supervising/chatting to the children, and then clearing the table, tidying things in the kitchen, and washing up.

I'm not sure it's rude exactly, but it is bad manners, and definitely shirking his responsibilities as a parent.

Annoyedtoomuch · 23/03/2022 20:12

Imagine doing the same if you were at a dinner party or in a restaurant with friends.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 20:13

@Fernandina

It's his way of getting out of the wifework of supervising/chatting to the children, and then clearing the table, tidying things in the kitchen, and washing up.

I'm not sure it's rude exactly, but it is bad manners, and definitely shirking his responsibilities as a parent.

Can something be bad manners but not rude? Aren't they synonyms?
Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2022 20:15

It’s rude and also a bit weird (if done on a regular basis)

Does he generally make time for the kids? And pul his weight? If so it’s not a deal breaker but it’s a habit I’d find very hard to live with. It’s not good for the kids manners or development.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 20:17

I am surprised that you think it is "formal" it is so completely normal and good manners to all stay until everyone finishes at a family meal.

What people who were raised this way seem to be completely incapable of comprehending is that for many, it's also completely normal to NOT wait until everyone has finished. In the same way it's normal to leave the living room or kitchen while someone else is still there. It is simply not a thing for everyone that you have to stay at the table. Why is that so hard for people to seperate themselves from their own experiences to imagine?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 23/03/2022 20:18

Ignorant and rude

inheritancetrack · 23/03/2022 20:18

Rude in the 1950s but people pretty much do as they please nowadays. Maybe he is just tired and wants to relax.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/03/2022 20:22

@jeannie46

Read somewhere that the one thing which correlates the most with academic success in children, is whether they eat their meals with their parents. ( Presumably because they hear adult conversation and it's an opportunity for their parents to show interest?)

Tell him this.

More because it means they have a standard hours job, giving the time to be able to cook before it's the children's bedtime - and can afford a property large enough to buy and fit a table and chairs for them to sit together.

Compare to someone working shifts, just picking up kids from the childminder, going back to a tiny flat with barely enough room for a cooker, fridge and washing machine for about half an hour before the kids' bedtime or heading out the moment the other parent gets in to do their shift.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 23/03/2022 20:25

Surely it's only rude if the other person/people are offended by it?

DH was brought up to leave the table when he had finished eating, take his plate out. (He actually then starts cleaning up out there). In his childhood, it was rude for people who have finished to stay at the table and watch others take their remaining mouthfuls (covetously, most likely).

I was brought up to stay at the table until everybody had finished, and that it was rude to leave the table sooner. (Except when my parents left me to eat cold peas, saying that I couldn't get up until I had finished; but that's another story!)

Different upbringing. Who's to say which approach is wrong? DH leaving when he has finished eating, doesn't bother me. Me hanging around and talking if I finish first, doesn't bother him. Neither approach is rude unless others at the table find it rude.

ofwarren · 23/03/2022 20:26

Doesn't bother me in the slightest

OllyBJolly · 23/03/2022 20:28

Very rude, and a poor example to his DCs

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2022 20:31

@aSofaNearYou

I am surprised that you think it is "formal" it is so completely normal and good manners to all stay until everyone finishes at a family meal.

What people who were raised this way seem to be completely incapable of comprehending is that for many, it's also completely normal to NOT wait until everyone has finished. In the same way it's normal to leave the living room or kitchen while someone else is still there. It is simply not a thing for everyone that you have to stay at the table. Why is that so hard for people to seperate themselves from their own experiences to imagine?

It's not hard to imagine, but surely the point is that the OP's DH does know that his wife finds it rude, and presumably he knows it would come across as rude if he were at a meal with his boss, or at someone's wedding, or whatever. He knows what is 'normal' for him is a bit rude in lots of situations. We all have stuff like that, which we know isn't good manners but we do it in private. There's nothing wrong with that so long as you're not offending anyone. But he is offending someone, and moreover he's shirking his bit of parenting to go watch TV.
Darbs76 · 23/03/2022 20:31

We have never been a family to ask permission to leave the table, or to sit having long chats over the dinner table. I don’t think you need to be sat at the dinner table to discuss someone’s day. That’s just me, as I saw others will have been brought up that you stay until everyone has eaten, and ask to leave.

SomeLikeItTepid · 23/03/2022 20:33

Definitely rude.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/03/2022 20:33

Rude. Was he dragged up by slatterns?

roastedsaltedpeanut · 23/03/2022 20:34

That’s unquestionably rude. DH does this too and ten years on it still irritates me. Every single time.
I understand DH has a stressful job and is often mentally completely spent and doesn’t want to engage in small talk. He sits in front of the TV, not watching it but uses the TV as white noise to relax.
Mine doesn’t even take his damn plate! I am getting annoyed as I type!

Iflyaway · 23/03/2022 20:34

Besides being basic bad manners, it also means he is not interested in his children's daily life.

I would not be with a man like that, sorry OP,.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2022 20:34

@jeannie46

Read somewhere that the one thing which correlates the most with academic success in children, is whether they eat their meals with their parents. ( Presumably because they hear adult conversation and it's an opportunity for their parents to show interest?)

Tell him this.

I've got to say I agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup on this one. This is highly likely to be correlation not causation.
Highflow · 23/03/2022 20:35

My husband does this!! We eat at the kitchen table, he often finishes first and just gets up and goes into the lounge. I’ll sit with the children while they finish, if dd is taking a particularly long time then I’ll start clearing away.
The worst of it is, is that he expects the children to stay seated if they finish first and gets frustrated if they don’t and give him the reply ‘we’ll you get up’!! (I smirk!!)

ukborn · 23/03/2022 20:35

Yes it is but I think you pottering around the kitchen is not on either. If it's family time you all sit and chat til everyone is done. That means you both sit there til the kids are finished and then the kids can help clear the table.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 20:36

It's not hard to imagine, but surely the point is that the OP's DH does know that his wife finds it rude, and presumably he knows it would come across as rude if he were at a meal with his boss, or at someone's wedding, or whatever. He knows what is 'normal' for him is a bit rude in lots of situations. We all have stuff like that, which we know isn't good manners but we do it in private. There's nothing wrong with that so long as you're not offending anyone. But he is offending someone, and moreover he's shirking his bit of parenting to go watch TV.

I wouldn't assume someone might find it rude unless someone explicitly told me they felt that way, because it is not my experience outside of reading on here that people do find it rude. Besides contexts like being a guest in someone else's home, or being in a restaurant, I simply do not think it is rude to leave the table in your own home. It's not a case of knowing it's a bit rude and doing it anyway. I don't think it's rude.

I don't agree with the TV part, in his shoes I would tidy up.

imnottoofussed · 23/03/2022 20:36

This thread is so funny. I wouldn't stand for it 😂 what are you going to do tie him to the chair until everyone has finished.

In my house it's definitely not rude to leave the table. In fact it's rare that we all eat at the table or at the same time.

When we do all eat at the table nobody would bat an eyelid if someone finished and got up and put their plate in the sink then left the room.

We still talk and have group time. Just not at the table listening to each other eat.

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