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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this rude? Because it drives me bonkers

282 replies

MargeSimpson79 · 23/03/2022 19:14

Me, dh and 2 dc. We eat together in the evenings if we can. Pretty much as soon as dh has finished he gets up, takes his plate out and goes to sit in the lounge with the tv on even though everyone else is still eating. He always says that’s how he was brought up and what he prefers to do.

I on the other hand feel like we should sit with the dc while they’re eating - it’s nice family chatting time. Or at the very least I will potter in the kitchen tidying up - it’s open plan. They’re 10 and 7 so it’s not like they can’t be left to eat, i just think it’s really rude to bugger off and leave 3 out of 4 of your family still eating.

Is it? Or is it pretty normal that adults leave the table while others are still eating? In a way I’d be quite happy to hear it’s normal because then I’d probably chill out about it!

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 23/03/2022 19:41

What he is doing is rude. It's like he 'puts up' with spending time with you for the time it takes to finish his meal and he's desperate to rush off and do something else as soon as he's done. It's even more rude if you've cooked.

Washing up and tidying is fine, but he isn't.

lennybruceisnotafraid · 23/03/2022 19:42

Incredibly bad manners.

Does he then help with clear up or stay watching the TV?

melj1213 · 23/03/2022 19:42

I think it's rude - it's one thing to get up from the table to crack on with the clearing up but it's different if he just eats then leaves to watch TV.

I live in a tiny flat so our dining table is in the corner of the living room - DD and I both sit down for dinner together and I use the time to have a chat about her day, upcoming plans and general chit chat. If I finish first then I will happily sit there for a few extra minutes while she finishes but if she is going to be longer then I might get up to make a start on the washing up, but will still continue the conversation while doing so.

When we go to my parents for dinner we usually eat at the table in the kitchen, so if someone finishes significantly before anyone else then they might get up and put their plate in the dishwasher but they usually come back to the table to continue participating in the chit chat and family time - it would be unbelievably rude if someone just got up and walked out, it would basically be them saying "I don't want to spend time with you"

Chloemol · 23/03/2022 19:43

Yes it’s rude and just because that’s what his parents allowed doesn’t mean that’s what he should do

He can spend time with his kids until everyone’s finished and help clear up

He is setting no example to them

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 19:45

@satelliteheart

Yuck, I can't stand adults who don't possess basic table manners, it's gross. I would not stand for this. It's equally gross to go and start the washing up while people are still eating. Can't believe how many people on this thread can't display basic manners
I think it's more rude to be this outraged by people not adhering to what is essentially just a totally arbitrary tradition. It does no harm to not subscribe to this particular old fashioned rule.
godmum56 · 23/03/2022 19:48

I wouldn't like it but I am extrapolating that you have been together for at least 10 years so a bit late now to make a thing of it

SillySausage25 · 23/03/2022 19:49

Noone seems to want to hold a conversation these days. It should be uninterrupted family time cause let's face it, we hardly get any these days. I think its bad manners and I would call him out in front of the kids!

Figgygal · 23/03/2022 19:52

We all sit until everyone is finished too
I might clear some plates if some of us are done but always come back

MuggleMadness · 23/03/2022 19:52

@DetailMouse

It's rude. You all stay at the table until everyone is finsished.

DS2 has recently taken to urgently needing the loo as soon as he's finished. Which is infuriating, but I can hardly to force him to stay....can I?

Tell him to go before dinner!

Then he can wait while everyone finishes!

MarvelMrs · 23/03/2022 19:52

YANBU but I would suggest finding a compromise as he feels differently. Sitting at the table together until the end on weekends or having Friday nights a treat on the sofa dinner?

HollowTalk · 23/03/2022 19:54

I agree with everyone, it's really bad manners. He's losing out on a time when the children are happy to sit and chat. It's inevitable that you will be closer to them than he is simply because of this one thing that he does.

LouisRenault · 23/03/2022 19:54

a totally arbitrary tradition....this particular old fashioned rule.

It's not an arbitrary tradition or old fashioned rule. It's bad manners because by getting up and walking away you are telling the person left sitting at the table that you don't value their company or that watching television is more important than spending time with them.

It's especially rude if the person left is the person who cooked the meal.

DoWhatYouLike · 23/03/2022 19:56

It's rude

Gizacluethen · 23/03/2022 19:57

Would he do it if you were sat just the two of you? Or if he was alone with the kids?
My guess is not. But he sees that as a group he can leave without consequences. Like fathers that just get up and go out for the day without talking to their partners because obviously she'll do the parenting.

You couldn't both do it. But he can so long as you pick up the slack.

billy1966 · 23/03/2022 19:57

So he was dragged up and he's proud of it?

Uncouth, and he's setting a really poor example of basic table manners for your children.

Tell him sort out his own food if he has such little interest in eating with you all.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 23/03/2022 19:58

It’s beyond rude.

If he can’t be arsed to sit with his family at the dinner table I’d suggest he eats elsewhere.

What does he do when you eat at a restaurant?

Is the tv more important to him than his family?

Benjispruce5 · 23/03/2022 19:58

Rude to leave the table if others are still eating.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/03/2022 19:58

Beat him to it. Sit in front on the TV and tell the lazy git to clean up after his own children and the meal you've cooked. You're being taken for a mug here. Stop it.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/03/2022 20:04

Not being allowed to leave the table until everyone has finished seems overly formal to me for a family meal.
Etiquette doesn't always apply eg you shouldn't start your meal until everyone has been served, but if you're at the work canteen and you've only got ten minutes, what are you going to do?

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 23/03/2022 20:04

Very rude, entitled and selfish

And a terrible example to your DC

And clearly not valuing family life.

Utter wankerish behaviour

Ohmybod · 23/03/2022 20:05

Rude. I was also brought up by parents who didn’t sit with us at mealtimes and I can see now how we lost out. I love the times spent at the table with my DC, chatting about their days, musing over random stuff, discussing the news…they face a future of so much screen time and much less human interaction. The art of conversation will die a death if we don’t practise these skills with our kids.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 20:06

@LouisRenault

a totally arbitrary tradition....this particular old fashioned rule.

It's not an arbitrary tradition or old fashioned rule. It's bad manners because by getting up and walking away you are telling the person left sitting at the table that you don't value their company or that watching television is more important than spending time with them.

It's especially rude if the person left is the person who cooked the meal.

But... it isn't... any more than getting up to go and do something else at any other time is telling them that. The only reason people put special weight onto the importance of having conversation and not leaving until the very end during dinner is because of ingrained tradition. It isn't an actual thing. Conversation at the dinner table is no more inherently meaningful than conversation elsewhere.
Gwenhwyfar · 23/03/2022 20:06

@Annoyedtoomuch

Rude IMO. If one of us does this we always say something like ‘do you mind if I crack on with…?’ Or ‘excuse me, I need to…’ as we recognise it’s rude.
You're not really recognising it's rude are you? Because you still do it and you wouldn't if it were really rude. And would OP be happy if he said 'excuse me'? Sounds like she wouldn't.
Heronwatcher · 23/03/2022 20:07

Nope, very rude. Do his parents do it? Shocking example to set- more interested in TV than his kids.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/03/2022 20:07

"by getting up and walking away you are telling the person left sitting at the table that you don't value their company or that watching television is more important than spending time with them."

Well if it's somebody you live with, that might be true.

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