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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Wheniruletheworld · 23/03/2022 09:01

Run for the hills
Change your contact details
Expose them for the selfish, tight, exploitative people they seem to be

TakeMe2Insanity · 23/03/2022 09:02

Say NO!

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 09:03

Fuck em (the parents, not the children ).
If they think your care was that good, and they’re wealthy, then they should offer you a wage and conditions that would secure your employment. But they’re not. They won’t give a second thought to you once their use for you is over and when they no longer need you they’ll drop you like a hot potato and you won’t see the kids anyway.

It sounds like the mother is trying to emotionally manipulate you. Don’t let her. Their children are there responsibility, if she’s had another child it’s her responsibility to sort suitable and if she can’t it’s her problem.

If I were you I’d state the conditions you’d require to consider a job with them. If they can’t offer that then don’t get into a discussion just decline and exit the chat,

Nopetryagain · 23/03/2022 09:03

If you waitressed in your youth at a cafe and stayed in touch with the owners and now own and run a successful Michelin starred restaurant would you shut it down to cover some shifts for the cafe?

Of course you wouldn’t, why is this situation any different?!

They are selfish cheeky fuckers who do not recognise nor value what you have gone on to achieve. I would cut them out of my life completely.

Getupoffthesofa · 23/03/2022 09:04

You can thank them for the job offer and tell them how much you love their children. But you are unable to take on the job.

Although they know you as an au pair you are now an experienced tax paying nanny and your rate is 11-13 before tax and you need a contract with fixed hours so you can organise your life. That is completely normal!!!! You definitely don’t need to subsidise their lifestyle by taking less cash to give them more!!!!

That’s it

Also

Do not work for them under any circumstances, even if they offer yoh a job. They are taking the piss even to suggest this.

PerseverancePays · 23/03/2022 09:06

Would they do you a massive favour? For months? Years? See , it only works when it's for them. They are not family. They see you as that young girl they can take advantage of.
Do not worry about them, they will find someone else to exploit for £100 a week, it's not going to be you. Keep a safe distance from people who want to exploit you.

Riseholme · 23/03/2022 09:06

The mother is selfish and manipulative.
Just politely say no, you can’t do it.
If the relationship with the dc breaks down that’s on her.
In your opening post you say the conditions weren’t great. They will be no better now.
If the baby is planned then they should have factored in the need to pay properly for good childcare.

Wiredforsound · 23/03/2022 09:07

OP, you have SEVEN more years of skills and experience since you last worked for them. You should be doubling your rate, not slicing it. £9.50 an hour is barely minimum wage. Why would you take a pay cut when it is of absolutely no benefit to you, and indeed is of huge detriment? You do not owe this woman anything. She is being manipulative and is insulting you with this offer. Just say no, and then do not reply to further messages. They do not own you and you do not owe them anything.

Sakura7 · 23/03/2022 09:07

OP I think you need to do some work to unpack why you are such a people pleaser. You should be feeling outraged at the absolute cheek of these people, and instead you're feeling bad for them and allowing yourself to be manipulated.

There are books out there, therapy, etc. Honestly you need it, because going through life as a doormat is only going to lead to misery. I'm guessing something in your upbringing has caused it but you don't have to live like that. You deserve the best for yourself and you should value yourself, and screw anyone who tries to manipulate or disrespect you.

Catalinka · 23/03/2022 09:07

You'd be a mug to take a wage cut of anything less than £11-13 the. Just say you've looked at your finances and are not able to take anything less than your current wage of 11-13 at this time. Don't allow the cfs to haggle you down to any less.

BuanoKubiamVej · 23/03/2022 09:07

Text back: I can't think of any other profession where it woukd be reasonable for someone with 7 years of experience, skills and qualifications who can now earn a decent professional wage to be expected to give everything up and return to the entry-level sub-minimum-wage job they started off in. It would be ridiculous to expect anyone to regress their career like this and your suggestion shows how little you value the people who care for your children.

Getupoffthesofa · 23/03/2022 09:07

Also don’t worry about ‘ruining your relationship’. If they treat you with this level of contempt yoh do not have a relationship to ruin!

MingeofDeath · 23/03/2022 09:07

Whay are you even considering this?

TeaKlaxon · 23/03/2022 09:07

You need to know your worth.

In this situation you are worth far more than minimum wage because of your additional experience and qualifications but also because you are someone the family knows and the parents trust.

If they’re not prepared to offer you what you’re worth - bearing in mind how much they want you according to the mum - then don’t entertain this offer. Even if they said yes to minimum wage you should not consider it.

If they offered a competitive wage for a childcare professional and you were interested then you should consider it but only then.

I disagree with other PP who say you can let them down in a nice way. Sod that. I would be really clear that you are a highly experienced professional and it is insulting that anyone would think you should work for about a quarter of what you’re worth.

Imagine if you were trying to buy a house and asked for it at 25% of the asking price on the basis that you really really need that specific house. The seller wouldn’t be reducing the price, they’d be bumping it up.

LaingsAcidTab · 23/03/2022 09:08

I'm really surprised you're considering this, OP.

JennyHogon · 23/03/2022 09:08

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
You what?

It's a lose-lose for the OP...

AlisonDonut · 23/03/2022 09:09

You are an adult and have worked out that this would not be good for you.

So just say no.

Catalinka · 23/03/2022 09:09

If they choose to cut you off for not taking a wage cut then that is their choice.

LadyEloise1 · 23/03/2022 09:09

"......we are not even friends.........but I don't want to ruin our relationship...." @FormerAupair

This ^ does not make sense !
If you are not even friends how can you possibly ruin a friendship ???

@Rickrollme did you read the OP ???

CoalTit · 23/03/2022 09:10

What would you do in my position?
I would roll my eyes and not respond at all.
You sound like a very sweet, giving person, so you may need to practise polite but firm refusals to would-be abusive employers who try to emotionally blackmail you and who see it as natural that you sacrifice yourself for their family

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/03/2022 09:10

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

She’s playing on your affection for the children and she knows exactly what she’s doing. If she really thought there was nobody better, she’d happily pay your going rate.
Catalinka · 23/03/2022 09:11

@Sakura7

OP I think you need to do some work to unpack why you are such a people pleaser. You should be feeling outraged at the absolute cheek of these people, and instead you're feeling bad for them and allowing yourself to be manipulated.

There are books out there, therapy, etc. Honestly you need it, because going through life as a doormat is only going to lead to misery. I'm guessing something in your upbringing has caused it but you don't have to live like that. You deserve the best for yourself and you should value yourself, and screw anyone who tries to manipulate or disrespect you.

I agree with this
silverbubbles · 23/03/2022 09:11

I bet there is no one better than you for the job - certainly no one cheaper.

Sounds like the mum might be a bit of a bully. She is certainly not thinking of you - don't be fooled with all the guilt tripping about how the kids want you. . Just politely decline and say you are a loyal employee and currently committed to your current position.

ivykaty44 · 23/03/2022 09:11

Thank you for contacting me about looking after your new baby. This doesn’t work for me, I’m not able to take a wage drop. Good luck finding child care. Best wishes

Catalinka · 23/03/2022 09:12

I'm afraid they've spotted that you are a bit of a pushover and are taking advantage