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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 23/03/2022 17:31

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
Why does she have to do it? I wouldn't give up my life for them.
Pemba · 23/03/2022 17:46

I think that Mumsnet needs a big 'Sarcasm' button for posters like Rickrollme to use, as her answer clearly flew over so many pps heads!

OP, you shouldn't take the job with your old employers, why on earth would you make yourself poor and potentially homeless to do them a favour? They are not nice, they are shameless users. Their kids will be fine, and they have the money to make sure the kids are fine. You owe them nothing, don't be emotionally manipulated into thinking you do.

To be honest, even if they came back to you and offered to pay the higher rate you shouldn't do it, because the way they have behaved over this shows they are not good people and not to be trusted. They certainly don't have your best interests at heart, they only care about themselves and are willing to exploit others (you!) to hoard their wealth. Pretty disgusting.

One thing I am unclear of, in your first post you said they were 'nice', but later on you said that the mother was 'a piece of work'?

Look after yourself OP, they are not going to. Maybe time to back off from this 'friendship'.

treesandweeds · 23/03/2022 17:49

It's interesting to me that you say they were desperate and so you offered a lower rate. You should be doing the opposite! If they want you over someone else then you should charge more!

When they say they want you, no disrespect, it's because they think they can manipulate and control you, and take advantage of you, not because they want you for you, your personality and relationship with the kids. If it were that they'd be willing to pay more to get you!

billy1966 · 23/03/2022 18:01

I think that Mumsnet needs a big 'Sarcasm' button for posters like Rickrollme to use, as her answer clearly flew over so many pps heads!
Agreed @Pemba

I think she deserves thisFlowers

Original poster
FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 18:15

@Pemba

I think that Mumsnet needs a big 'Sarcasm' button for posters like Rickrollme to use, as her answer clearly flew over so many pps heads!

OP, you shouldn't take the job with your old employers, why on earth would you make yourself poor and potentially homeless to do them a favour? They are not nice, they are shameless users. Their kids will be fine, and they have the money to make sure the kids are fine. You owe them nothing, don't be emotionally manipulated into thinking you do.

To be honest, even if they came back to you and offered to pay the higher rate you shouldn't do it, because the way they have behaved over this shows they are not good people and not to be trusted. They certainly don't have your best interests at heart, they only care about themselves and are willing to exploit others (you!) to hoard their wealth. Pretty disgusting.

One thing I am unclear of, in your first post you said they were 'nice', but later on you said that the mother was 'a piece of work'?

Look after yourself OP, they are not going to. Maybe time to back off from this 'friendship'.

Hi.

The dad and the kids were nice, but not the mom. She was living in another city most of the time so I didn't have to deal with that at all. I made an initial agreement with the dad but then she called me saying that I should work for them in these new conditions and doesn't agree with the dad's or my point of view.

OP posts:
impossible · 23/03/2022 19:12

It's a shame but don't take the job.

NorthSouthcatlady · 24/03/2022 07:42

It doesn’t matter whether she agrees with you or not. It’s your life and you make your own choices!

NameGoesHere · 24/03/2022 07:46

Just decline, why give this so much head space.

EishetChayil · 24/03/2022 09:09

I'd be telling the to go fuck themselves.

urbanbuddha · 24/03/2022 09:17

Don't be nuts.

Wakemeuuuup · 24/03/2022 09:24

It doesn't sound like a hard decision op. You'd be mad to work for them at all, never mind for less than minimum wage. I wouldn't even work for minimum wage, you deserve to be paid the full market rate

madmumofteens · 24/03/2022 09:24

Just no OP tell her to jog on!

beethecrackon24995 · 24/03/2022 09:58

Balls to the 'relationship' you have with them OP. they are abusing/using this so called friendship with emotional bribery. I'd run and stay with your life as it is. You ow them nothing

Lunde · 24/03/2022 11:29

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I reckon that she's factoring in your accommodation (and maybe food?) in what they want to pay. She's probably thinking that housing would cost you a fair chunk of your income, and you won't have to pay this.... BUT she's conveniently forgetting/ignoring the fact that your living with her family in their home, rather than independently in a home of your choice, is for their benefit and not yours.

It's a bit like being an employed driver and your employer expecting you to accept much less pay on the grounds that they've given you a really luxurious, fancy car to drive - even though you can only ever use it whilst working for them, doing journeys that you would never otherwise have any need or desire to be doing.

Also, OP, I've only just picked up on your phrasing that people normally OFFER you £11-£13. Now that you're an experienced professional, you should really have a set fee that you charge.

You may sometimes wish to negotiate further, depending on the circumstances; but never put all the bargaining power into the client/customer's hands and passively wait to see what they 'graciously' offer to pay you.

If you undervalue yourself, there will be people (like the family here) just desperate to take full advantage of you, and leave you wondering and doubting whether you are actually worth what you know full-well you are.

Well from the OP it reads that they are offering her 2 option
  1. an illegal "cash-in-hand" zero hours live-out nanny without a formal contract for 50% of minimum wage.
  2. an au-pair contract to live in for "pocket money" where OP has to give up her flat - plus OP is not here on a cultural exchange as au-pair contracts usually dictate

I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again

So not enter into an illegal contract with them which may get you prosecuted by HMRC for tax evasion and means that you will not have national insurance rights despite working. The au-pair contact mat also be illegal as you are not here on a temporary cultural exchange

Gizacluethen · 24/03/2022 11:41

I made an initial agreement with the dad but then she called me saying that I should work for them in these new conditions and doesn't agree with the dad's or my point of view.

Even worse. Do not get involved in their arguments. Stick to proper work. You're qualified and experienced, she's wants to treat you like a 14yo.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/03/2022 11:35

I hope by now you've outright refused their "offer", @FormerAupair?

You must, you know. There are far better options to make money while you redirect your career, than selling yourself for buttons to this bunch of chancers.
ESPECIALLY since the mum sounds like a horrendous piece of work!

ExMachinaDeus · 25/03/2022 11:42

Some wealthy people are both mean and entitled. You have no obligation to them now. You sound very nice but you really don’t need to feel obliged.

TheCatterall · 25/03/2022 11:46

No is a full sentence.

No.

They are not friends. They are trying to manipulate you into an arrangement that suits them. Also - with your experience etc - never ever drop your rates. They were reasonable at what you currently charge.

All the red flags.

All the no’s.

These children are nice n’all - but they aren’t yours. You don’t owe them anything. What’s more important being able to have a standard of living and enjoying life or the childrens friendship which might wane as they become adults anyway.

LynetteScavo · 25/03/2022 12:37

The only way they should be tempting you to work for them is by paying you more than you are already earning. Simply tell them you're no longer available. They're actually being very insulting. I understand you want to maintain a relationship with their children, but at what price...if they locked you in the cellar and fed you bread and water? They are someone else's children, not your own. Just stay firm and dignified and friendly and hopefully they'll accept your answer and you'll be able to maintain a distant friendship.

Original poster
FormerAupair · 07/04/2022 07:55

UPDATE

Hi :)

I told the mum that because I'm under the register I have to follow a few requirements like National Minimum Wage, insurance, contract... So I think that scared her because she just replied "thanks for letting me know" and we didn't talk again for a few weeks. I guess that was a good excuse that she could not refute. I'm happy about that.

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 07/04/2022 08:29

Just say no, it doesn't work for you. You owe them nothing.

Eddielizzard · 07/04/2022 16:17

That's excellent! Well done

ButtockUp · 07/04/2022 20:48

That's good to hear.
Well done.

boogiewithasuitcase · 07/04/2022 23:25

Well done OP.

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