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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman · 23/03/2022 08:09

You’ve been offered a job that doesn’t pay your going rate, and where you know the conditions aren’t great. Turn it down. They are not your family and they are not asking you a favour, no matter how they pitch it.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 23/03/2022 08:10

It's not good that you feel they have some kind of hold over you

Say that regrettably you can not do it

Keep it cordial

Then if they get arsey that's their choice

You are silly to even consider it, they sound exploitative SadThey will probably try to manipulate you emotionally, so be very careful

(Why even offer to work for less just because they are in a hurry?! There's an unhealthy power dynamic here)

Clymene · 23/03/2022 08:10

I'd say thank you for thinking of me but no thanks. I'm sure the kids will realise their parents are cheap arseholes at some point.

Canigooutyet · 23/03/2022 08:11

Just tell them no.
If they where friends they wouldn't want to exploit you.

MrsMinge · 23/03/2022 08:11

So basically they want you to work illegally? They sound horrible

TheBigDilemma · 23/03/2022 08:11

I don’t understand the problem. Just say no. No big deal.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/03/2022 08:12

You see them as friends. They see you as 'the help'. Ignore and cut contact.

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/03/2022 08:13

Eh? Did you read a different opening post?

I don’t think @Rickrollme was being entirely serious…

Schoolchoicesucks · 23/03/2022 08:14

Do you want to leave your current job? I'm not sure why them wanting to find someone quickly means you should drop your rate - it would usually be the other way around and they would have to pay a premium rate.

Unless you are looking to make a change, then I think you should respectfully decline. There is always a choice (for them) - you are not responsible for arranging their childcare.

DdraigGoch · 23/03/2022 08:15

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
Please tell me that you are joking
HappyMaltesers · 23/03/2022 08:16

If they were really so desperate they would be offering to pay MORE than the going rate, not less and with piss poor conditions.

Only a total doormat would take that 'job'.
If turning it down ends your relationship with the children then that is the fault of the parents, it's not on you!

Notthisonemummy · 23/03/2022 08:16

Say no! I was a nanny for 10 years, so igwt the feelings of guilt because the family will say 'oh the children love you, we don't trust anyone else', but unfortunately for them, their life is not your responsibility. I had this with my last job. 3 months into my maternity leave, I got an email asking if I would consider returning (60 hour week!) As they had got through 4 nannies since I'd gone. I knew exactly why they had - the amount of extra work expected to be taken on with the dads girlfriends teenagers and the uncertainty on finishing on time - so I said no. I was told I could bring the baby as he was so young (although they made it explicitly clear I wouldn't be able to do this if I wanted to return after the maternity) but there was no way I was going back. I really liked the children, they were lovely and we really bonded, but running around after 4 of them plus 2 ungrateful teenagers I wasn't contracted to care for was too much.

You have made a lovely new life for yourself now, stick to it. Sometimes these families forget their employees have lives and ambitions outside of their self important worlds. If you can't say a flat no, then explain you've done some calculations and you can't afford to take less than £20 an hour and due to financial commitments, need a solid contract. Or that as much as you enjoyed your time as an au-pair, you've moved on as you didn't plan on that role for ever.

ButtonSister · 23/03/2022 08:17

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.
You're not friends but you don't want to ruin the relationship?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/03/2022 08:18

Just say NO.

Who expects someone who is qualified and experienced to go back and do the student job for no money or benefits, 8 years later?

You have no obligation at all here OP, and their payment offer is downright insulting.

Why should you take a massive pay cut to enable them to earn their full salaries?

DirectionToPerfection · 23/03/2022 08:20

It's a bit concerning that you would even consider this, or allow the conversation get far enough that you told them you could drop your rate.

It's ok to put yourself first. I think you need to work on your assertiveness and set some boundaries, as you were ready to be walked all over. And for what?

Donra · 23/03/2022 08:21

I don’t understand why you feel obligated to accept a job offer? Just say no thanks?

WelshyMaud · 23/03/2022 08:22

I voted yabu because yabu to even be agonising about this.

I wouldn't leave my job, my home and take a pay cut for unsecure work for my sister or my mum or another very close relative, never mind these chancers.

Don't be a doormat, just tell them unfortunately you can't help but you hope they get it sorted. They're fully fledged grown ups, you really don't need to worry about telling them no.

MissMaple82 · 23/03/2022 08:26

The balls in your court here, I'd say your not lowering the price, take it or leave it. Personally I think I think you were a bit silly to say you'd do ot for less, I can't fathom why you would do that. The truth is, you're not going to have a relation with the kids for the remainder of your life so it makes no odds really, ots just the same as nursery staff never seeing their kids again.

TrashyPanda · 23/03/2022 08:26

They sound ghastly.
And possibly abusive.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Hadjab · 23/03/2022 08:27

Do you even have to ask?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/03/2022 08:27

I thought aupairs were for older children, a few hours a day, with accommodation and lodging? Nannies are for proper childcare including of babies and are paid a decent wage to reflect they are independent professional adults.

It sounds like they don't value childcare.

ittakes2 · 23/03/2022 08:28

Our children are our most precious thing in life - I question the moral compass of anyone who things treating their children's nanny in this way. Wouldn't you want a happy nanny so you know she will do her best for your children? If they are treating you this way before you start - what liberties will they take when you are there in person?
Tell them you can't afford it and prefer to keep your friendship going rather than blurr the lines and take a job you can't afford.

Original poster
FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 08:30

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 23/03/2022 08:30

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
Have you read a different OP?! There is no opportunity, there is a massive pay cut, and there's already a massive amount of emotional blackmail! It is far from a win-win situation.
AngelinaFibres · 23/03/2022 08:30

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
What ?????