AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

[FormerAupair]

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

So not at all related to her profession despite “7 years of experience” and training in related fields.

Says who?

A good friend of mine has worked in childcare for years and is now running training programmes in that field. She does this online.

Anyway, how is it relevant? Are you trying to suggest that the OP should go and work illegally for less that £5 per hour?

So not at all related to her profession despite “7 years of experience” and training in related fields.

So? Why's that relevant.

OP, why are you even considering this? You don't owe them anything. A firm no, block their number, they are cheeky fuckers extraordinaire.

@implantreplace

I’d put money on this being the situation

The OP is in a low paid “online” job that is in no way related to her profession
The family reached out to see if available before talking money
The op said looking for work
They leveraged fact they know she’s looking for work and offered a low salary
The OP didn’t decline outright and asking mumsnet because she does need a new job, does want to get back in to that profession and is considering but the money situation is putting her off

Bloody hell, massive amount of assumptions there.

Do you think everyone who works from home is low paid?

Do you think anybody has the right to offer a job at half the minimum wage? What they're doing is illegal.

Absolutely not do I say or even infer that I think what the family is doing is right!

I think the opposite

But I reckon they have latched on to fact that OP has said she’s dissatisfied in her “online” job.

And it explains why we are all baffled the OP didn’t outright say, thanks but no

Working from home is different to an “online job”

But I reckon they have latched on to fact that OP has said she’s dissatisfied in her “online” job.

Did she say that?

I haven't RTFT since I posted earlier on, but I did see your 1st update, OP.

In all seriousness OP, I actually think this could be the sort of family to try to use as a modern day slave. I know that sounds very dramatic, but these things happen more often than you think and the mother in particular sounds very exploitative and shameless too.
Please be very careful if you won't cut contact.

@FormerAupair

Thanks again for your kind comments. It's helping me a lot.

I'm based in the UK. The minimum wage here starting in April is 9.5/h but they don't want to pay near close to that. Anyway I have 7 years experience now and college qualifications so it doesn't make sense working illegally when I'm paying taxes a few years now.

The mum was quite a piece of work when we were living together and apparently it's the same again.

You said

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids

You need to think about this. What kind of relationship do you have with this 'piece of work'? Certainly not one of mutual respect and reciprocity, not even one where she obeys the law and has a basic understanding that other human beings deserve to be paid enough to live on. It might be sad to lose contact, but be honest with yourself, do you really need to preserve any kind of relationship with people who treat you like this?

But I reckon they have latched on to fact that OP has said she’s dissatisfied in her “online” job.

Where are you getting this from?

And why the contempt around the word online? What exactly are you alluding to here?

"You are asking me to make more of a sacrifice for your child than you will make yourself. You are asking me to give up my career aspirations, financial security and move out of my home to be able to care for your child. You aren't considering one of you giving up your career for a few years to care for your baby and move out of your lovely home to something smaller so you can afford that. You are asking me to prioritise your child in a way you won't do yourself. I'm going to put this down to not thinking straight in the early baby days, but I dont want to ruin our relationship so please don't ask me again to do something you would consider to be unreasonable to be asked of you."

Send that. Refuse to engage further.

The answer is no. Do not take this job.

You were twenty then and now you are twenty-seven and building your own life. The fact that they want to underpay you shows they have no respect for you. They are not trying to improve your life and will be quite happy if you stick with them until the baby starts nursery, by which time you will be 30 and still on the minimum wage.

You are clearly a loyal person but your fist loyalty should be to yourself and the life you are building.

Never take a job without a contract, especially one like this where they are putting intense emotional pressure on you. They don't care about you or your needs, only their own. Please DO NOT take this job. You are being exploited from the start.

Look for another job if you want something similar there is high demand with proper working conditions, benefits and a contract.
uk.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Nanny

An popular agency
www.edenprivatestaff.com/

they don’t have another option

Of course they do
They just don't want to pay
Just say
"I have more experience now and my rates are 13 per hour " end of. do not give up your life for them

I can't even believe you are considering this. There's nothing in it for you. So, you au paired for 1.5 yrs - it's not like you were the families governess for years and year and now they've fallen on hard time. You don't owe them anything.

I don't think they are nice (from the first post) at all, I think they are exploitative, selfish, cheeky fuckers who want to use you illegally so they don't have to parent their own kids. You said yourself that the mother is a 'piece of work'. Why on earth would you sacrifice your time, finances, career progression, living space and head space for them, at all??? Honestly, you've been far too nice to even consider it, I'd literally laugh in the face of someone asking for this kind of illegal and headfuck arrangement. With that kind of attitude I'd be very surprised if the kids don't turn out exactly the same. To all of them, you're just a servant, not even worthy of minimum wage, sorry to say. Take care OP, look after yourself, not other people who are manipulative twats.

Why on earth are you even contemplating this?

The parents can afford to look after their children without screwing you over. And they will.

They didn’t treat you well the first time and want to treat worse now. Stop giving them head space. Have some self respect. You’re a good nanny with qualifications, a track record and a good job. Tell them they don’t deserve you.

Nope. Tell them that they need to pay you at the going rate or you can’t do it .
Be strong

I can’t believe anyone would actually think this is an AIBU.

These are not "friends" at all - they are manipulative employers who want the perks of a fully trained nanny at au-pair prices. Do not even consider accepting this offer.

I had a relative who worked for so called friends in a similar poorly defined, no contact, under-paid nanny position where she was basically at their beck-and-call 24/7. She organised her life totally around being available for them - she sacrificed holidays, family trips, weddings etc but she loved their dd and wanted to be loyal. .... and then they sacked her one evening over the phone because they didn't need her anymore and she didn't even get to say goodbye. She thought they were friends but they thought she was a cheap employee

I considered the situation because finishing my studies and not working full time at the moment so a few extra hours will be nice to have but not under this circumstances. I didn't give more details because of privacy but at this point if they find this (that I don't think so) they can see the comments and think about that. I've finished my last nanny job a few months ago and now doing online design (early years related) because I'm redirecting my career.

I already know this was not fair bur unfortunately I’m coming from a country that is less wealthy and not having proper rights in the care sector it’s common. I can see people here sticking with the law and telling my that I have to set boundaries and I totally agree so thanks for reassurance. I didn’t think about that I was having a pleasing and pushover behaviour, it’s interesting to point my dilemma in that direction, I will think about that :)

@FormerAupair

I considered the situation because finishing my studies and not working full time at the moment so a few extra hours will be nice to have but not under this circumstances. I didn't give more details because of privacy but at this point if they find this (that I don't think so) they can see the comments and think about that. I've finished my last nanny job a few months ago and now doing online design (early years related) because I'm redirecting my career.

I already know this was not fair bur unfortunately I’m coming from a country that is less wealthy and not having proper rights in the care sector it’s common. I can see people here sticking with the law and telling my that I have to set boundaries and I totally agree so thanks for reassurance. I didn’t think about that I was having a pleasing and pushover behaviour, it’s interesting to point my dilemma in that direction, I will think about that :)

If you want a few extra hours while studying, then offer to babysit for local families. I'm sure you would be snapped up.

You would be paid minimum wage as a minimum (though I would ask for more) and could babysit in the evening when kids are mostly sleeping, so study at the same time.

I reckon that she's factoring in your accommodation (and maybe food?) in what they want to pay. She's probably thinking that housing would cost you a fair chunk of your income, and you won't have to pay this.... BUT she's conveniently forgetting/ignoring the fact that your living with her family in their home, rather than independently in a home of your choice, is for their benefit and not yours.

It's a bit like being an employed driver and your employer expecting you to accept much less pay on the grounds that they've given you a really luxurious, fancy car to drive - even though you can only ever use it whilst working for them, doing journeys that you would never otherwise have any need or desire to be doing.

Also, OP, I've only just picked up on your phrasing that people normally OFFER you £11-£13. Now that you're an experienced professional, you should really have a set fee that you charge.

You may sometimes wish to negotiate further, depending on the circumstances; but never put all the bargaining power into the client/customer's hands and passively wait to see what they 'graciously' offer to pay you.

If you undervalue yourself, there will be people (like the family here) just desperate to take full advantage of you, and leave you wondering and doubting whether you are actually worth what you know full-well you are.

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!

Nope, it sounds like a dodgy rip off. Why are rich people so tight and dodging tax!!