Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
CailleachGranda · 23/03/2022 08:47

How is this even a question worth considering

CFs.

user1471519931 · 23/03/2022 08:48

She's trying to manipulate and flatter you into the job. If you were the best, why. Didn't she go in with a brilliant offer to start with.

Notthisonemummy · 23/03/2022 08:48

but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me.

She is just a selfish, uncaring, entitled person then. They are not your friends and I suspect that had they found someone else to mug off, you wouldn't be having such a "relationship" with the children as their would be no benefit to her. Walk away and accept that any and all children you care for or teach over the years won't remain in your life forever. I know its hard to think like that, but its the only way to stop being treated like a doormat. I suspect you've done a lot of overtime/babysitting you haven't been reimbursed for but never said anything because "it's for the children." It isn't, it's for the parents and very quickly becomes an expectation and any respect you think they have for you as an individual really isn't there. Please just reply and say no.

Catclean · 23/03/2022 08:48

Your regular rate is already low, I can't work out why you'd have even mentioned a reduced rate to them.
They are not your friends.
Their children are not your responsibility.
You should send them a last message saying that you are insulted by their haggling over the rate you suggested. You regret making that offer now because realistically you can't work for that. Please don't contact you again. Then block them everywhere and no more contact.
You're being a bit daft to even engage with them.

Dammitthisisshit · 23/03/2022 08:49

They abused the relationship the moment they tried to emotionally blackmail you! So whatever happens the relationship is changed, but that’s their, not your, doing.

Cherryblossoms85 · 23/03/2022 08:50

That's just hilarious. I'm trying to get a nanny for 28 hours a week and offering a salary of 30k. They're taking the absolute piss.

gingerbiscuits · 23/03/2022 08:50

Good God, no!

You owe them nothing & they're shamelessly emotionally blackmailing you to take the piss in a massive way!!

Not a chance. Why would you even consider it??

IsItFuck · 23/03/2022 08:51

I wouldn't be being polite about anything they've got no respect for you. Tell them to fuck off.

thesugarbumfairy · 23/03/2022 08:52

I don't even see an issue. You owe them nothing.

LadyPropane · 23/03/2022 08:53

Reverse the roles - would you make these kinds of demands of them?

This woman is not your friend and she is very much out for herself. Stop being so nice to her when she doesn't deserve it.

I would message once more and say a polite but very firm no, and wish them all the best in their search. Then do not engage any further.

FluffyScarves · 23/03/2022 08:54

They’ve crossed the line. Gone weird. Avoid avoid avoid!

Fatgalslim · 23/03/2022 08:54

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Not your problem, they don't give a shit about you obviously so stop giving a shit about them - you've not looked after their kids for years so not sure why you're feeling bad for them.
kweeble · 23/03/2022 08:54

Please put yourself first and cut communicating with them - you have no obligations and the children are not your responsibility.
You should have said no straightaway but it’s not too late to say you don’t want to do it.

DoItAfraid · 23/03/2022 08:55

@CremeEggThief

Who voted YABU? The CF family?!Grin
I voted YABU for the fact the OP is/was considering this.
Katela18 · 23/03/2022 08:55

OP pleasseeee don't take this job!

The mum is using the kids to guilt trip you because they know you care about them.

They clearly don't respect you or they wouldn't ask this of you. I'm sure they wouldn't take this job if in your shoes or they wouldn't be wealthy.

Stand your ground and tell them, you cannot take this job under these conditions. You have bills to pay etc. Be firm and say my terms are now XYZ, if you would like to employ me under these terms please send me a contract and let me know the required working hours.

timeisnotaline · 23/03/2022 08:56

If she only wants the best for her children she should pay for it. ‘ I can’t do it , I need to earn an income and would be too stressed about my bills at that salary to be able to focus on your children properly. Best of luck.’

Alrightqueenie · 23/03/2022 08:56

This is why the wealthy stay wealthy because they pay so very little for the services they need. You're not friends, just former employers whom you don't owe anything to. If you're feeling harassed by them just mute or block them and continue with your current job.

DileenODoubts · 23/03/2022 08:57

You don’t owe her an explanation - it says a lot that she thinks she can berate you for asking for 9.50. Ask yourself would they speak to any other service provider like that - or speak to someone in their own work.
They see you like a teenage babysitter.

They don’t put value on your work - and you lowering the value of it it to 9.50 is enforcing this.

She expects you to take lose some income while complaining that a loss to theirs is unthinkable and unfair to expect!

With kindness, if it was about the quality of your work they’d pay (I’m sure you’re excellent) but do you think they want you in part, because they can push you around and get away with it cos you love the kids.

Put some value on your time and skills or nobody will. Your time is as important as theirs

Allandnothing · 23/03/2022 08:58

No. You. We’d to be paid for your experience, skills and time. They need to pay you what you are worth.
I wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole.

BoldMove · 23/03/2022 08:59

So their dcs and time, money etc is more valuable than theirs? Forget it. You've moved on. Their problems aren't your problems. Mega CFs

ButtockUp · 23/03/2022 08:59

She is manipulating/guilt tripping you.

If you take this job you'll have no time to yourself, earn far too little and your quality of life will suffer.
If she needs you that much then she should pay your rate.

You are not friends... you just feel for the children. That's natural but you are not beholden to them.

Catalinka · 23/03/2022 09:00

I've not voted but think you're being unreasonable for considering this when they are obviously massive CF users.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2022 09:00

They only want what’s best for the baby. Great. They have to pay for what is best. Her being used to being surrounded by au pairs 24/7 since day zero for £80-100 a week is telling us a different story, isn’t it?

They may like you. They definitely trust you. But they’ve categorised you as the help. And they may even have stayed in touch with you on the off chance you’d go back were there ever a need.

Of course they can get help. They just don’t want to have to pay for it.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/03/2022 09:00

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Oooohhhhh...that mother is playing hardball with you, so you could play hardball back Grin

You could say "actually there is absolutely no one better to look after a child than their own mother, so, while I appreciate your confidence in my work, I'm going to have to politely decline your offer."

Femalewoman · 23/03/2022 09:00

Charge them what you would charge other people. They are wealthy and can afford it but tight. They sound like CF's to use the expression many use on here!