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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
boogiewithasuitcase · 23/03/2022 09:13

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!

Haha are you the mother?

Xiaoxiong · 23/03/2022 09:18

They are emotionally manipulative cheapskates. Their demands on you are outrageous.

When you're in a rush, or stuck for childcare, you offer OVER the market rate, and BETTER pay and conditions. Not worse! And you certainly don't browbeat someone to accept something that is worse for them.

Good for you for recognising that this whole situation is dodgy - don't be a doormat, turn them down politely, send a birthday and Christmas card if you really want to stay in touch with the kids, and leave it at that. You owe them nothing.

BumbledBee · 23/03/2022 09:19

You shouldn't take that job, even if they decide to match your rate. They have shown they don't think you are worth it and would mess you around.
Doesn't it make it easier that they are being this way? The more they pushed, the less guilty I would feel about saying no.

Cloudsanddaffodils · 23/03/2022 09:20

The mother is a CF. Just say no! She'll soon find exploit another cheap nanny

Opalsareyum · 23/03/2022 09:22

@FormerAupair tell them the truth, it looks like they already know. @Rickrollme couldn't me anyone else but your former family surely?!

MaudieandMe · 23/03/2022 09:22

Never try to go back in life as it rarely works out well.

They’re cheeky fuckers and only interested in using you as cheap labour, they don’t care about you at all. You owe them nothing.

Tell them thanks for thinking of you (!) but you’ve moved on in your life and you’re no longer interested in working for them.

Meadmaiden · 23/03/2022 09:23

Offering less than minimum wage is incredibly cheeky. They should be paying at least a minimum wage, no less than £11/hour, which is still very cheap for a nanny.

Say no, and don't feel guilty. There are lots of families happy to pay going rates for nannies.

PrincessPaws · 23/03/2022 09:25

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
It sounds like a thoroughly shit opportunity and the only people winning would be the family (who should have considered childcare before they tried for another baby!)

OP of course you shouldn't drop everything in your life to support them, when they are basically offering an under minimum wage zero hours contract in return. Stick with your current job

gingerhills · 23/03/2022 09:25

Progress your career. You owe ex-employers nothing. Never accept a pay drop unless you absolutely have to.

Tina221 · 23/03/2022 09:26

Nopetryagain
If you waitressed in your youth at a cafe and stayed in touch with the owners and now own and run a successful Michelin starred restaurant would you shut it down to cover some shifts for the cafe?

Of course you wouldn’t, why is this situation any different?!

They are selfish cheeky fuckers who do not recognise nor value what you have gone on to achieve. I would cut them out of my life completely.

^this

💐

jytdtysrht · 23/03/2022 09:28

I’d phone them and tell them they are selfish fuckers and you never want to hear from them again.

Justilou1 · 23/03/2022 09:28

Point to a lake and tell the mother to jump in it. As you said, you are not their “friend” or a relative. You are your own business and you know what you are worth. You are not a charity, and you won’t be manipulated. I bet this mum outsources her ironing and other services and is happy to pay the going rate. You are absolutely being taken for a mug. If she thinks it’s ridiculous, and doesn’t want to pay the going rate, then she needs to think about whether her job is feasible.

Sloth66 · 23/03/2022 09:28

They are seeing you as cheap childcare. Do what’s best for you, I don’t think that’s working for them

PrincessPaws · 23/03/2022 09:28

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Well then she can pay for the best. Seriously she is being a massive CF
Justilou1 · 23/03/2022 09:29

Also, husband and wife are playing the old “Good Cop/Bad Cop” game, but their agenda is the same. Don’t fall for it.

DiamondCushion · 23/03/2022 09:30

@Rickrollme

I can see why you are torn but of course you have to do it! Any decent person would. And it sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you. It’s a win-win!
@FormerAupair it seems like the mother has found you on Facebook!

The correct answer is fuck no, why would you take a pay cut from your current easier job? They pay you full nanny rate with contract or nothing. Or like a PP said. One of them quits their job and actually spends time with their children

Underfrighter · 23/03/2022 09:30

She doesn't sound nice and she doesn't respect you. You don't have a good relationship. If you did, she wouldn't be insulting you by asking you to give up your financial security to look after a baby that she chose to have. She is effectively asking you to fund her lifestyle choice. If you had a great relationship it would be equal, and you could ask the same of her if you got pregnant. Would this ever happen?! Of course not. Someone who respected you would not try and manipulate and guilt you into doing something that was bad for you but good for them. Her child will be just fine at nursery or her or her husband can have up to a year maternity leave.

Au pairs are meant to be young people who want to experience living in a different country and learn the local language, and require host family support due to age and not being familiar with the country etc. None of this applies to you.

It would be absolute madness to give up your financial security for someone who isnt close family or friend who would do the same for you.

If it ruins your relationship with the children then that's on her because it has nothing to do with them.

I wouldn't go back and say you need more money or you need more hours or whatever as she has shown you she will absolutely take the piss, I could see you having a contract and her just not sticking to it.

Planetbippop · 23/03/2022 09:32

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids

...but it's ok for them to ask what they have, respond as they have & you don't want to ruin the relationship? Think you need to ask yourself what this relationship actually is.

You don't have to lose contact with the children but I'd drop that pair of cockwombles right away.

sonjadog · 23/03/2022 09:32

This is an obvious "no". I don't know why you are considering anything else. They have the money, so if they want the best for their children and they think you are it, then they can pay you a decent wage for your time.

dementor72 · 23/03/2022 09:33

Just say No!
That woman is a Totally Abhorrent Worthless Tool ...

TerribleCustomerCervix · 23/03/2022 09:33

@FormerAupair

Hi. Thanks very much for your point of view. I agree with you but I feel terrible because of the kids :(

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me. She's being always surrounded by AuPairs since day 0 and is used to have 24/7 help for 80-100pounds/week.

Ok, give yourself a bit of a shake here.

What you’re describing is an exploitative situation where these people are expecting full time childcare for peanuts.

You’re a professional, so treat yourself like one and politely but firmly decline.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 23/03/2022 09:33

The dad was quite understanding but the mom try to make me feel bad saying that she only wants the best for their children and that I should help her because the baby it's too small to be with a stranger and nobody better than me.

Agreed with PP: they only want the best, but are apparently not willing to pay for the best (even though they are very much in a position to do so). They're like Phoebe in Friends: "I wish I could, but I don't want to".

What would you say if your current employer/clients invited you to an 'exciting new opportunity', which would basically be a huge demotion, with much lower pay to match? They are wealthy, but they want YOU to subsidise them - think that through.

To be honest, I wonder if their keeping in touch was always calculated and a way of playing the long game. It's so difficult for those of us who aren't CFs to fathom, but they are often adept and highly organised in planning how to (further) take advantage of their 'marks' even years down the line. You saw the Christmas cards and occasional texts as former friends keeping in touch; they saw them as an investment to keep their options open.

Incidentally, I don't know if I'm missing something here, but other than their mum, isn't everybody effectively a stranger to a baby?! It's hardly like you can leave a newborn in the charge of somebody they've already known and trusted for a decade!

whynotwhatknot · 23/03/2022 09:34

Your being taken for a mug why did you say you would do it for mimum wage

how can a planned baby have no planning for who looks after it

beattieedny · 23/03/2022 09:35

They sound like users. Cheeky fuckers.

De88 · 23/03/2022 09:36

You know you're not being unreasonable and you're looking for back up. If you're not up to being brave then be honest. I'd say "no, thank you, I love your children but I have moved on and am no longer an au pair because I would not be able to afford to live on that wage. Good luck!"