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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to give up my current life for my former Au Pair family?

349 replies

FormerAupair · 23/03/2022 07:59

AIBU?

When I was 20 I did 1.5 years Au Pair job for a family, the conditions where not great but they are nice and we are still in contact. Now in my late twenties I live in the same country as them. They had a planned baby last year and they ask me if I can leave my online job and babysit the baby because they don’t have another option. Now I have 7 years of experience as a nanny/nursery teacher, related studies and also living by myself for a while. With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They are wealthy and can afford a nanny so I don’t know why they don’t understand that I have to pay my bills and that the job offer sounds dodgy to me: half of the minimum per hour, being on call Mon-Fri, not a minimum of hours guaranteed, no contract. Even suggested to give it to me by cash so I don’t have to pay taxes so it’s cheaper for me (this is not true because: no tax/no contract = no rights/benefits). Or as an alternative give up my apartment and go to live with them as an Au Pair again.

The problem is that we are not even friends to ask my such a huge favour but I don’t want to ruin our relationship, specially with the kids.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 23/03/2022 11:34

It never ceases to amaze me that people will scrimp on the cost of childcare! Childcare is expensive but I valued my child and I valued the people who cared for him so it costs!

Just say no. You have your own life to live!

HermioneWeasley · 23/03/2022 11:40

You don’t owe them anything, they’re trying to exploit you. Just ignore them and block if necessary

disconnected101 · 23/03/2022 11:40

What would you do in my position?

Tell them to do one.

Wheresthebeach · 23/03/2022 11:42

So these lovely people are trying to use emotional blackmail to pay you less than the going rate?

Awful. Run.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 11:44

The mother in this situation saw you as cheap childcare, cheaper than a proper childminder or nanny.

I know a hairdresser who before she worked doing this or even on the side would childmind and take to school children locally. She had no DC but liked children and it fitted around her studies at the time.

She said that occasionally she had parents ask her if they could do same for their children as she did for other parents and every time she said, "yes, if I can do it" and "yes but this is my rate, no discussion". She's always had plenty of work because she's firm with what she will and won't accept.

rainingsnoring · 23/03/2022 11:46

Absolutely 100% say no. They are totally taking advantage of you. You also say that the mum was 'a piece of work' when you worked for them. She still is (or they still are).
Keep your job and home that you have worked hard for.

Perhaps send them a link to a nanny agency if you are feeling kind.

Ihearticecream · 23/03/2022 12:02

The mother wants the best for her children but doesn’t want to pay for it…

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/03/2022 12:03

With my experience families normally offer me £ 11-13 but they were in a hurry so I told them that I can drop the price until £ 9.5 (the minimum wage). They were upset with my offer saying that was too much, unreasonable and that I should be there for them.

They actually said "I should be there for them"? Then for that reason alone you shouldn't touch their job with a bargepole. You don't owe them your time or your labour and they want to exploit you. You should not have offered to drop your price either, if they are in a hurry that is their problem not yours and they should have offered you much more money to attract you. The children are their parents' responsibility, both practically and emotionally, not yours.

The whole thing is totally dodgy.

MrsClatterbuck · 23/03/2022 12:03

@FormerAupair

Thanks again for your kind comments. It's helping me a lot.

I'm based in the UK. The minimum wage here starting in April is 9.5/h but they don't want to pay near close to that. Anyway I have 7 years experience now and college qualifications so it doesn't make sense working illegally when I'm paying taxes a few years now.

The mum was quite a piece of work when we were living together and apparently it's the same again.

Will they be paying national insurance which is very important regarding your future state pension which hopefully will still be on the go
OhTedLasso · 23/03/2022 12:04

They are being abusive, and you should stand your ground. Do not let your worth be tied up to helping people who are taking advantage of you. If you want to work for them, then tell them you made an error and it will only work if you are paid fairly and that your actual rate is xyz. If you don’t, and honestly you shouldn’t based on how they are treating you, then you should simply say you will not be able to work for them and put it in writing! Please OP think of yourself, they aren’t and won’t.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 12:04

@Ihearticecream

The mother wants the best for her children but doesn’t want to pay for it…
@Ihearticecream - the mother wants an au pair to look after baby - she's absolutely mad!

I did childmind for a baby and toddler when I was a teen, part time - the baby by then was a year old. But the mother looked after them most of the time and I also was studying for (and passed) my childcare GCSE at the time and knew the toddler well (he was my study from a baby).

Papayamya · 23/03/2022 12:07

I'd just give them a ridiculously high rate and I'm sure then they'd decline and stop asking. Of course you shouldn't do it out of a sense of obligation- yes you've worked with them before but as soon as you'd left that job your sense of responsibility etc also went.

FabFitFifties · 23/03/2022 12:11

They do have an alternative - work less hours/give up work/find new job with flexibility. Or find someone who working as an au pair suits

Bambooshampoo · 23/03/2022 12:15

They want to walk all over you and you to be thankful for it.
They’re CF. Drop them unless they are prepared to recognise your worth, financially.

jackieh1987 · 23/03/2022 12:15

Foxtrot Oscar...

CF's wanting cheap childcare.

Gilly12345 · 23/03/2022 12:18

Do you like your current job?
Are you considering returning to Au Pair/child care work?
If you were doing to help them out then they need to pay the going rate especially as you say they are wealthy.

If you are happy in your current work then you could help them out occasionally until they employ an Au Pair and you just earn some extra money.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2022 12:20

Just declind in a nice way. Just say that your circumstances have changed and you can't accept the job. This guilt tripping you is not good. Dont accept it.

thatsgotit · 23/03/2022 12:26

@Rickrollme is typing with tongue in cheek, surely.

OP these people are absolute CFs! No way should you let them guilt trip you into this.

DirectionToPerfection · 23/03/2022 12:28

Fuck being kind and letting them down gently, they're not being kind in their behaviour.

LittleGwyneth · 23/03/2022 12:29

RUN AWAY.

billy1966 · 23/03/2022 12:44

[quote thatsgotit]@Rickrollme is typing with tongue in cheek, surely.

OP these people are absolute CFs! No way should you let them guilt trip you into this.[/quote]
Of course she is.

Hilarious response.

I laughed out loud at the "it's a good opportunity for you"...Hilarious

londonmummy1966 · 23/03/2022 12:46

"Hi CF and husband. Thank you for thinking of me when you were looking at childcare for the new arrival. Unfortunately I'm not looking for an au pair position any more and need to earn at least what I'm making in my current job in order to meet my expenses etc. Anyway, I assume that as you have a baby you will be looking for a nanny and you might find contacting some agencies helpful. You will see from their positions vacant that most nannies are looking for a salary in the range of £13-15 ph net (ie after you have paid tax NI etc). If I'm wrong and CF is staying at home to look after the child but wants a bit of help with the older ones so needs an au pair (please bear in mind that au pairs are not supposed to look after babies for all the obvious health and safety reasons for leaving an unqualified young person in charge of a baby) then you could contact au pair agencies.
Hope this helps - do pass on my love to the DC.

Yours the OP with her big girl pants on"

DoobryWhatsit · 23/03/2022 12:48

I can't see any reason you'd take this job?! Stick with your current job, which pays better, and doesn't involve dealing with these awful people.

Linning · 23/03/2022 12:51

No way!

I was an Au pair too, still in touch with the families but many years down the line and my salary is drastically different. I am still in the same field but I now charge drastically more ( think £1000-£2000+/week depending on the contract). Former families would of course get a small discount and I would totally volunteer to baby sit for free once in a blue moon or for a special occasion but they know that for any long-term job they would have to pay close to my current rates otherwise as much as I love them it’s just not viable for me. They wouldn’t jeopardize their living and salary for us so why expect us to drop our salary and lifestyle considerably?

Stick to your guns. I would refuse but if you chose to do it, go back to your actual rates! Don’t low-ball your own self.

ChaToilLeam · 23/03/2022 12:52

You tell them: that doesn’t work for me. I wish you good luck finding someone who can work with your offer. Byeeee!

And do not accept any guilt tripping, wheedling or blaming. Your life is different now and you owe them precisely NOTHING. Cheeky manipulative bastards.

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