AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

[Strawberrychocolatevanilla]

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it.

I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t.

I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday.

I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it.

I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

If your doing all the nights then DH needs to sort the house.
Ring step change about the debt.

It’s not that sort of debt - sorry. It’s not CCs etc. I am paying nursery fees (DH pays the mortgage and everything else, it’s because we’re hoping to switch to another mortgage soon and DH can’t have childcare commitments to get it) and paying back a relative. Combined it leaves me with not much. I can’t cut down either payment.

DH doesn’t have any more time than me is the problem.

I’m sorry. DC that age are full on and exhausting, as is work. I remember feeling utterly broken by my DC1 non sleeping when under 2 - I can picture myself in the bloody darkened room feeling so resentful and furious!

When you say “DH tries to help but can’t” - why can’t he?

And what’s your financial situation as you’re married but you’re speaking in ‘I’ terms about paying things off, not ‘we’?

Can DH do more/ALL housework if he’s not doing nights/most of childcare?

X-post

DH pays the mortgage and everything else, it’s because we’re hoping to switch to another mortgage soon and DH can’t have childcare commitments to get it)

Won’t you be on the mortgage? This sounds not great…

He could but he can’t do work I need to do for work. And DH can’t help as DS just won’t accept him at night - no idea why, he’s fine with him in the day but screams like a banshee if DH tries to help at night.

Squirrels I’m not in an abusive relationship, I just have shit credit.

You need to sleep train your 14 month old.

I'm very similar. Mine is 17m and I pay mortgage and nursery as my DP is finishing up uni. He's super stressed and can't risk failing as it would be a resit of the whole year. It's so hard.

DS is getting more headstrong by the day- but the sleep got much better at 16m!

I let go of the idea of normal dinner times. He wakes up for second dinner or a snack around 10-12 and we feed him again and finish the bedtime routine then. He stays down until 6am now.

We taught him a few signs- water and eat. And in the dark I can see his silhouette doing the gesture. Meet the need then back to sleep!

The ‘not accepting other parent at night’ is a thing, but it can be fixed if both parents are determined. It’s hard, my DH was mostly shit in the nights. But eventually he had to man up about it, and DC1 had to accept him.

I’m sure I’m going to be flamed about this but you need to look into sleep training, if you are in a big city you may have access to a sleep clinic if not, even is super nanny book will help provided you follow the instructions to the letter.

The problem with sleep deprivation is that it can be so bad you end up in a bad place, emotionally and financially. I ended up becoming very forgetful to the point of forgetting simple words, lots of mistakes at work, etc but what really brought home how severe the problem was it was when I started stammering. All that went quickly as we started having more sleep at night.

If you are resenting your child and not being able to perform well during the day, don’t wait until you lose your job or feel forced to stay at home. Act now.

Ha. Yeah. That’ll happen when Boris tells the truth then!

Seriously, I’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, watched YouTube. I’m still in the same position. It’s a pain.

Sorry X post. It’s really a non starter with sleep training although I don’t think you should be flamed for suggesting it. It’s just not really happening here.

Also… your sleep is as your child’s, when you are exhausted, your threshold of tolerance is much lower. You can manage motherhood and your relationship much better (and snap much less) if you are rested.

Never mind, it is your choice.

On the mortgage/finance, have you both talked it through with a broker? Your credit may not be as shit as you think and 2 FT salaries plus childcare is better than 1 salary no childcare in general terms. And the thing is your DH does have childcare costs as DS is 50% his responsibility!

If he pays for everything else except nursery then you must be paying a huge amount to relative to be left with nothing much - is there no way that can be reduced even a little to get breathing room?

I’m always wary of the man paying mortgage woman pays childcare & variable bills because it seems oh so reasonable but actually usually hugely disadvantaged the woman over time.

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla

Sorry X post. It’s really a non starter with sleep training although I don’t think you should be flamed for suggesting it. It’s just not really happening here.

Why isn't it happening?

So if you’ve recognised that your current situation is unsustainable what is within your control to change for the better?

I know you’ve rejected the idea of sleep training, and things will get worse before they are better, but you could do that?

If not that then what else?

Yes we’ve talked it through with a broker.

Nursery is around £1000 a month. I am paying relative £750. So this leaves £400 for everything else, which isn’t too bad except I’m in my overdraft and I do have a few things like my own car insurance, phone etc.

It could well be the case I am just in one of those situations that will only get better in time and it will: it just feels shit at the moment to be working so hard and to be doing so much for so little.

Why isn’t DH doing half the nights? He is the problem. It’s not about him ‘helping’ - his job isn’t to help, his job is to do half the parenting.

If he is the main earner and it’s more of an issue for him to be tired, then as PP says, split it so he does a couple of nights, you do the rest but he sorts the house.

Either way he needs to do more.

If this is a temporary situation while you get a new mortgage, then could you negotiate reduced payments to relative for 6 months? If you really can’t and you’re going to have a new mortgage in 6 months, then look at ways to bring down your daily outgoings - food etc - to the minimum so you can use some of that money to pay of your relative (you can do it in cash so the bank won’t know what your DP is doing with it.)

Do a budget check so you really can afford this new mortgage, because you don’t want to be doing this long term.

In terms of the toddler - I am sure other people who’ve had this issue will be along with more specific advice, but I would say look up sleep training and make that a priority. Something like the baby whisperer is good for setting up boundaries and routines. If you need to get a play pen to stick him in while you eat in another room.). Do a bit of research and get DH on board - he’ll have to work at this with you - because it will be a bumpy couple of weeks but you should be able to get him into a better routine.

Share all this w your DH, it sounds like he is not shouldering anywhere near half your domestic issues.

It sounds awful, OP. I remember working full time, for what felt like nothing, when my DC were young. The good news is that this won't last forever. You have a number of things, most of which are insurmountable, so you need to break them down:

DC sleeping - are they waking up hungry, going to bed too early/late, would co sleeping help? I think with sleep, you just need to do what you have to do so that you can function.

Housework - the best MN advice is to lower your standards. Spend a bit of time planning and organising your life so that you can keep on top of things eg all bills are paid by automatically, online shopping, quick and easy dinners.

Finances - you need to talk to your OH about this. You haven't given much to go on.

Flexible working - is it possible for you or OH to change your work pattern eg compressed hours or 9 day fortnight. It's not always about saving money, but you may be able to get a better work life balance.

I need to be clear that I haven’t rejected the idea of slee training. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if I’m doing it right and DS isn’t responding but I just can’t do it.

How many more weeks or months do you have before your relative is paid back ?

www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/

That is a HUGE amount to repay relative. How long for?

A while - definitely another year.