AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

[Strawberrychocolatevanilla]

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it.

I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t.

I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday.

I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it.

I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

YANBU to be struggling, YABU to live like this.

Hold your baby; your instincts and your baby's are quite correct. Babies need their parent's presence, skin to skin, contact.

Can you take a sabbatical/break from your job? Arrange to repay the relative at a future date?

We also had a baby who didn't sleep for ages. I ended up co-sleeping with him and it saved my sanity. Then one night, at around 18 months, he suddenly just slept all night, and has been fine since then (apart from times when he's not well or whatever). I would try that for starters. If you can get some decent sleep even for a few weeks, things will seem much better.

As far as the house goes, lower your standards until they are very, very low. Get a big box or two to shove stuff in when you're tidying - you can vaguely sort it into 1 box for baby stuff, and 1 for everything else. Then you can sort the boxes properly once you have some energy (in about 2 years time).

And DH can’t help as DS just won’t accept him at night - no idea why

Because you've always been his night comforter. The more DH does, the better it will get and hopefully you will get more sleep!

You need to back right off from diving in every time he wakes/cries. Or it's just a never-ending circle.

How about in-laws taking baby for a couple of nights at a weekend to give you a break?

If you’re married it doesn’t matter if you’re on the mortgage or not. The house is still a marital asset.

Firstly. I'd buy a couple of pairs of earplugs. One for you and one for your husband. This weekend agree that he's doing the nights. You sleep in the living room Fri to Mon. You need some rest. Put the earplugs in and do not interfere. Or better still go and stay at a friends.

If this doesn't help you. I'd buy the largest mattress you can fit in the bedroom. Get rid of the bed frame and put it on the floor. You'll be more relaxed that he can't fall out of bed. Co sleep. See how that goes.

You need to reduce the 750 to 500. Surely a relative will agree to that?

My child didn't start sleeping properly till 3/4. It was awful, but you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. A couple of nights of sleep will help you see clearer.

What I did with non sleeping DS
When I put him down to sleep at night I put on a tape of childrens music he would lie listening to it and go off to sleep. When he woke in the night I would settle him as quickly as possible and put the music back on.
He got to associate the music with sleep and I could get out of bed put on the music and go back still disturbed in the night but for a lot less time. He was a poor sleeper for a long time at 3ish he would turn the music on himself.
I am sure many people would not consider this good practice but it enabled me to get some sleep and keep my sanity

Question - do you AND DH co-sleep with the baby?

It's not ideal, but if you can, I'd shift DH out for a while - it will give you more space in the bed, so that baby wriggling might not be quite so disruptive to your own sleep.

I had to do this anyway - DH couldn't cope with being woken up whenever DS needed feeding/changing/to cry/whatever, so he moved himself into the spare room because he needed his sleep , as though I didn't!
To be fair though, it was a lot easier without DH in the bed.

It sounds like you need to sort your finances out, and sleep Train your toddler as a priority.

If the payments to family aren't affordable to you, then ask them for reduced monthly payments, understanding it will take longer to repay the debt.

Are you getting tax free childcare to help with childcare costs? Are you entitled to any benefits? Would you be better off financially working part time if childcare costs are so high?

Look up sleep training. It really works.

With DC3 I co slept with him on a matress on the floor (no need to worry about anyone falling off the bed) and DH slept in another room. It worked for us as I didnt have to get up in the night to settle DS and he fell back to sleep quicker lying next to me. Might be worth a try.

Hi OP, have you considered bed sharing with your toddler?
Totally fine if you don’t want to but sometimes it’s the only way to get sleep. I bed shared with my eldest who is 2 and he now sleeps happily in his own bed. But I really couldn’t be doing with walking into a. Separate room to settle him multiple times a night and doing timed crying etc etc, I just wanted sleep and having him in our bed was the winner.
No advice re. Mortgage except to have a look at mse- some good advice on there might be relevant to you.
But if co sleeping/bed sharing allows you more sleep then at least that’s one issue resolved for now and you can have a bit more energy to deal with the rest.
Sorry you’re feeling so crap xx

I had a little one who just wouldn’t sleep too!
In the end we put him in a cot right next to me and I slept with my arm tapping him all night.
Also try feeding him more a little later in the evening, bath, then feeding again, then bed.
No baby is the same, and don’t forget they haven’t read the baby guides! Do whatever feels right but try to stay calm as they sense your stress. They do eventually fall into a routine which sort of works.
I’m sure you’re a great mum, just frazzled with all the juggling. No one tells you how hard it can be.

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla

Yes we’ve talked it through with a broker.

Nursery is around £1000 a month. I am paying relative £750. So this leaves £400 for everything else, which isn’t too bad except I’m in my overdraft and I do have a few things like my own car insurance, phone etc.

It could well be the case I am just in one of those situations that will only get better in time and it will: it just feels shit at the moment to be working so hard and to be doing so much for so little.

Lots of “I”s But no “we”s

It's only about two and a half weeks until the easter holidays. what can you do in those holidays to change either the situation at home or your ability to cope?
I would suggest your dc goes to nursery throughout, that you forget about work (i know teachers say this is impossible in the holidays but this is an emergency situation) and you get loads of rest to help re-build your resilience.
You could change the nightime routine in the second week? Try a different sleeping arrangement?
Then think about the next term as just ten weeks till the summer holidays where again there's a huge period of time to change things up, the child you have now will be utterly different come September.

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla

No not good with money! It’s a complex situation, I won’t totally go into it but it is just a difficult one for now.

So it’s very difficult for posters to offer useful advice

"Without meaning to be harsh and I suspect you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment but the reason you are in this situation is because you aren't prepared to sort it out"

I agree with this

You and your husband don't sound like a team. You'd be better off if you properly pooled your finances, I bet. I'm always wary of marriages where money is kept so separate (my first one was like this). Surely all money is family money?

£750 a month is a HUGE amount to be paying off - can you get a loan, pay the relative off and have more manageable payments over 3 or 5 years?

Do not shove your husband out of the marriage bed to appease a toddler. Your toddler needs to be made to sleep. You have to bite the bullet and do this.

You're in a rut because getting out of the rut is too much like hard work, but ultimately remaining in this situation will be worse

Are you married though? Either way it's not going to be helpful as dh will have both of you as dependents if your not on the mortgage.

Sorry you are having such a hard time, it's shit and everything is harder when you are tired! This will pass eventually, hard to believe I know but it will.

You mention you are a teacher, Half term is coming up, can you commit to sleep training then? 17 nights should crack him surely?

I remember going through tough times with mine and thinking it would never get better but it always does. Hang on in there and don't feel bad for struggling, its not easy!

One thing at a time.

This time a year ago we were in a dire situation and its so much better than it was. Not perfect but better. It takes time.

So issues are: sleep, money, balance

I say start with balance. Sit with DH and map out what you need to do each day. Break it down into before work/lunch/after work/evenings. Have a daily routine that's sustainable. Fit in housework across the week (ideally not the weekend). Make a rota of who does what. The organised mum might work for you. Little blasts. Remove anything from your day that you absolutely don't have to do. Use a good app as a to do list that you can both access. Clear your head from the clutter. You might like to look at Jordan Page for productivity ideas. She's amazing.

Once you have done this you may feel able to tackle sleep. DS rejects DH because he is used to you. I promise you that you do not have the one child in the world who wins this fight. Even my DD3 who was HARD got here. By hard, I mean utter desperation in the depths of despair. Have you tried the gentle/gradual retreat? Its somehow easier in a lot of cases but you both need to take it in turns or DH does it on his own. I suggest the latter. Yes it's hard but it will be. Then it will be better. It's really important you get sleep. If you don't sleep train then DH must accept that some nights he does it all and DS screams like a banshee. But you NEED sleep. Non negotiable.

Money. Once you have sleep and have rehashed your balance you might be able to consider a side hustle. There are lots out there. Have a look on YouTube for some inspiration. Put a spreadsheet together to show how long you have left to pay off the family member. Are you getting all childcare costs you can, ie tax free childcare? Would a Childminder be cheaper for you?

This is without doubt hard.

If you are overdrawn so soon after being paid what do your husband's finances look like? Overdraft charges (even arranged ones) have really shot up is it the best arrangements of finances right now. However if you are trying to get a medium to long term fixed mortgage at good rates I can completely understand 😃.

Cosleep! I can't recommend it enough. I slept like a baby when I started cosleeping (and so did the baby )

Oh OP im so sorry. I also have a DD who has never ever accepted comfort from DH at bed time or through the night, and I dont believe in cry it out so ive always just had to deal with it.

DH needs to step up in other areas to give you a break. housework should be 50/50 and if one parent is having to do nights then the other parent needs to pick up more of the housework.

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla I was in a similar position with finances - really good job, but my relationship broke up and I was constantly in overdraft. The only way to get yourself out of it is to bring more money in and spend less. I worked 6 day weeks for 6 months, ate boring cheap food/drink and didn't go out. It was a very, very boring six months.

But, you need to get the sleep sorted first. Leave it an increasing amount of time each time you go in, but basically go in, say it's sleepy time, lay him back down and then leave.

I also recommend trying co sleeping if CIO isnt for you or your child. It means you at least get some rest.