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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

172 replies

Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 23/03/2022 07:55

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it.

I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t.

I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday.

I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it.

I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/03/2022 08:22

And there’s no way at all to reduce to w.g. £500pcm?

Original poster
Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 23/03/2022 08:23

Not really - it’s a bit of a weird situation and can’t really go into it. It will come to an end eventually and I guess that’s true of the sleep thing too.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/03/2022 08:27

If you really can't ask to reduce the payments to your relative, then it is a case of waiting it out. Sleep habits improve in their own time.

The main thing is not to have another baby yet. You might think that goes without saying, but it really doesn't - I see so many people on here who are in similar situations and embark on another pregnancy.

mumonthehill · 23/03/2022 08:28

Honestly you need to be able to get DH to do the nights. It may be short term pain for long term gain. The reality is that if you had to go away go to hospital your DH would have to cope. A few nights of him doing it will help but it is hard but being consistent is the key. If you feel less tired you will feel less overwhelmed by everything else.

Rickrollme · 23/03/2022 08:30

It sounds like you’re not willing/able to change anything so I suppose your life will have to continue as it is until your child naturally starts sleeping better. That could be soon or it could be a while. If you do get to the point of real desperation you might reconsider sleep training or getting your DH to pull his weight. Being realistic it sounds like you and DH can’t comfortably afford the mortgage you are hoping for so you might want to put that off for a year to give you some financial breathing room. Having a young toddler with both of you working full time is not easy but it is doable. Until things ease make SURE you are using backup birth control! Something like the coil or the pill AND condoms, every time. There are posts on here everyday from people who are struggling with multiple small children and they always say it was a birth control failure.

Original poster
Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 23/03/2022 08:30

I would like another baby - god knows why but I can’t really delay as am ancient. So might not be able to have another anyway.

In all honestly DH doing nights won’t give me any more sleep. All it means are two exhausted parents.

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 23/03/2022 08:32

DH needs to take over nights immediately until DS accepts him, then you can to 50/50.

This is one thing you CAN change,

And yes, make sure you have a written agreement about when you'll be put on the mortgage, don't let him agree to more than a 2 year deal, you can renew after that when your credit is better.

He has a very good set up now, full nights sleep and full house ownership. And marriages can change very quickly.

Gasandpair · 23/03/2022 08:33

If you can’t do the sleep training maybe dh could have a go? If you’re feeling as crap as this then I’d suggest you need to go through the initial pain of it for the sake of everyone getting decent sleep in the longer term. That has to be your priority.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/03/2022 08:35

This all sounds really hard OP.

All I would say is things like sleep training any getting your DP to do more do take a lot of effort (a couple of weeks of screaming, at least for the baby) but they do work.

Things won’t change unless you change them, it’s just that it’s hard to do when you are exhausted.

I think you need to talk all this through with your DH, and make it a shared problem to solve.

EatYourVegetables · 23/03/2022 08:37

Sleep train. Get DH to help more around the house, incl entertain DS when you’re eating. Get YNAB for budgeting. Talk to a financial advisor again - the mortgage situation sounds like you’re putting yourself into a really bad positIon.

It’s relentless at that age but it sounds like DH is not pulling his weight at all and you’re on your last legs.

Original poster
Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 23/03/2022 08:39

I really don’t think DS responds to sleep training. I have read the books and they seem to start from the premise of child not needing to be picked up. Anyway, I do appreciate the replies. It helps to sound off and moan a bit about it - it does feel so joyless and hard just now.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 23/03/2022 08:40

Short time, take a day off tomorrow, or the afternoon today, while DS is in nursery and then go to bed for a few hours sleep.
Then come back and read this thread and see what you think.

Ragwort · 23/03/2022 08:42

Do not even think about having another baby ... you seem to be in a totally negative state of mind, 'can't sleep train', 'DH can't do nights', 'can't renegotiate a family loan' ... oh yes, 'I'd love another baby' Hmm.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/03/2022 08:43

You are struggling because you are doing your partner's share of the parenting as well as your own. He badly needs to step up.

The solution when a parent "can't settle" their own dc, if you them to do more with them, not for them to use it as an excuse to make their partner do twice the work.

More sleep will make everything seem better.

shivawn · 23/03/2022 08:47

If you're open to the idea of sleep training but you just can't get it to work for you then try joining one of the Facebook sleep training groups and you can get advice on your own situation there!

Stompythedinosaur · 23/03/2022 08:47

If your partner committed to doing all night waking for a fortnight I am 100% certain he would find a way to settle your dc. Just like you had to in the early days of being a parent. And you would get a rest.

It isn't at all impossible, but I wonder if the problem is really that you are discovering you are in a relationship with someone who is happy for you to struggle so they have an easier ride.

lackofinspo · 23/03/2022 08:48

I have a 14m old too. He is a shit sleeper but we cosleep and it's a lifesaver. DH sleeps in spare room and but reads in our bed before sleep and comes through in the morning for cuddles. Is this an option for you? I get so much more sleep. I've tried the 'up and down all night' approach and I hated having to get out of bed to see to my DS. We will cosleep for as long as it works for!

GlisteningGoldGrasses · 23/03/2022 08:50

It does sound like you're in a really difficult situation. Have you tried co-sleeping instead? Mine sleep next to me and although they occasionally wake they settle straight back off and I don't fully wake up as I don't have to get out of bed. It's also nice and cuddly and for me helped me to bond when I was stressed out with me toddler in the daytime. I know it doesn't work for everyone though so just a thought.
Also what's their routine like? Do they nap in the day or go to bed early? Perhaps changing some things round like a later bedtime or trying to keep them awake through the afternoon would help? I found mine's sleep improved once we dropped the daytime naps and got then to stay awake until 8pm even though they'd be sleepy from about 6pm. If I let them drop off earlier they always woke up wide awake in the early hours. I think it's a lot of trial and error at that age as they're changing rapidly, you just have to do what allows you the most sleep even if it's not a conventional routine.

Anoisagusaris · 23/03/2022 08:52

Have a look as the Gentle Sleep method by Sarah Okwell Smith. I paid for email consultations with Sarah and it is a long process but works (I think!). I was working full time, 3rd child in a row who slept worse than yours his and could hardly sleep I was that tired. But I still wouldn’t do cry it out type sleep training, but this method is very gentle and builds good sleep habits.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 23/03/2022 08:53

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla

Sorry X post. It’s really a non starter with sleep training although I don’t think you should be flamed for suggesting it. It’s just not really happening here.
If you don’t want to sleep train then try cosleeping. Just you and the little one. Especially for toddlers who have just started nursery this can be amazing for them. Toddler proof the room, will yourself to sleep and he will then fall asleep too.
LIZS · 23/03/2022 08:57

You need to separate the sleep and the finance issue.

Take a week off together and try to crack the sleep. Is he in a different room, can one of you sleep in with him to get the other a break, will he self settle during daytime if so he could at night, do you react too quickly just because you are getting disturbed?

Finances, you need to address the debts and overdraft situations together. The charges will make it more difficult to get out of the cycle. Can you cut back , on car, phone etc? Any option to reduce the £750? Does your dh have money "leftover" which could be pooled to reduce your outgoings?

GunsNShips · 23/03/2022 09:00

If DH can’t do the nights then can he needs to do more around the house so you can get to bed earlier.

If sleep training isn’t working then have you tried co-sleeping? Not something I’ve ever done but it works for lots of people.

Gazelda · 23/03/2022 09:03

@HotSauceCommittee

Short time, take a day off tomorrow, or the afternoon today, while DS is in nursery and then go to bed for a few hours sleep. Then come back and read this thread and see what you think.
I think this is good advice.

And break it down into different issues-
Sleep
Finances
Housework
Happiness

Can you and dh promise yourselves to invest 1 hour every day to tackle 1 of these issues? It'll be 100% worth it.

Are you getting all the income you're entitled to?
Are your expenses as low as you can get them?
Exactly when will the loan be paid off?
Can you increase your income?

Is the home comfortable to live in?
Can you do a rota with a good 30 min clean for 1 room each day with simple top up cleans in between?

What does your DH propose to do about toddlers sleep?
Have you really given sleep training your best shot?
Would co sleeping work for you?

Do you have fun as a family? Long walks to tire DS? Picnics? Games? Outings? Meeting up with friends or family?

Original poster
Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 23/03/2022 09:05

@Ragwort

Do not even think about having another baby ... you seem to be in a totally negative state of mind, 'can't sleep train', 'DH can't do nights', 'can't renegotiate a family loan' ... oh yes, 'I'd love another baby' Hmm.
It’s true that some stuff is negative. Absolutely.

However you don’t have a baby to have a baby, but for your family. To not have another child because the first two years are hard - well, that would mean a lot of only children.

Plus I don’t even know if I can have another. Not sure.

@GunsNShips I’m already in bed around 830.

@LIZS I can’t take a week off (teacher.) I have honestly tried to crack it … so many books. Just doesn’t work. Horrible for everyone. I think sleep training is great but if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t.

I’ve got Sarah OSs book and —hundreds— a few others. I was getting obsessed with it tbh. I’ve tried co sleeping but it’s so suffocating and I get kicked all night. I probably have done a lot wrong with him but he’s my first so wasn’t / am not really sure what I’m doing!

OP posts:
Ikeameatballs · 23/03/2022 09:07

If time is the only thing that will make a difference, and I agree it sounds like it will make a significant difference though perhaps not the only thing, could you make a visual chart of that? It may sound childish but draw out the debt to the relative, where you started, how much it goes down by each month, when it ends etc? That might be helpful to look at and remind yourself of? Similarly re the nursery fees, will your DS qualify for 2 year funding or will your DP be able to take over/contribute soon? Map that out.