Page 7 | AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

Strawberrychocolatevanilla · 2022-03-23T07:55:48+00:00

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it. I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t. I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday. I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it. I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

thingymaboob · 23/03/2022 12:56

@Hercisback

OP are you using tax free childcare?

I cannot stress enough that a really good go at sleep training a la super nanny should help. It's a bit brutal but within 3 days mine slept through. There will be extremes that can't be sleep trained (like PP) but this is rare.

Unless you have just posted for a moan, that's OK too.

We did the super nanny technique. Amazing!

Eeksteek · 23/03/2022 13:03

@musttryharder84

OP has already said she gets very poor quality sleep when co-sleeping. There are risks associated with co-sleeping, and safe sleep practices you need to follow. One of these is don’t co-sleep if you’re exhausted – when my DD slept like OPs DS, I was permanently exhausted. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel of my car; it would not have been safe for me to co-sleep.

Some people are poor sleepers and some are good sleepers, but after 3 days of sleep training my DD she was falling asleep by herself which she’d never done before. She even sleeps through the night maybe 25% of the time, and when she does wake at night and calls for us, after seeing to her we can leave her and she will be asleep again within a few minutes whereas before we would be up with her for 2-3 hours trying to get her back to sleep after each wake-up.

With a newborn, yes there are safe sleep practices. But this child is 14 months. He’s not going to suffocate under a duvet because he can’t move it off his own face. (He is probably going to kick his poor mother all night, though, so I do sympathise if it doesn’t work out!). There are lots of ways to co-sleep. For me, it was always much better if I didn’t have to actually get up and stumble around, even if I was still awake. So if I could settle DD in a bed next to me, and then when she woke she could just get in with me, or I with her, or I could reach out from my bed and comfort her that I was there, she would go back to sleep more easily.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 23/03/2022 13:07

We paid a sleep trainer and it was the best money. It's worse before it gets better. I kept giving up. In hindsight my dh should have taken the lead because I was too entrenched in it all. She did nothing different from the books except I had to ring her every day with an update and if I didn't do it she'd ask why- and it's a lot easier to justify it to yourself than to someone else. By keeping the log we saw progress. With every change though I think the disruption of the "change" has a bigger effect in the short term than the benefits - they're more visible long term.

Hercisback · 23/03/2022 13:29

I actually think the sleep is the biggest thing to deal with right now.

Paying back the money cannot be changed. Nursery payment is fixed and OP cannot magic up more cash overnight.

The sleep (potentially) could be fixed pretty quickly. Then with a clearer head the other stiff can be worked on.

inappropriateraspberry · 23/03/2022 13:34

How much is your DH left with at the end of the month? Can he contribute towards the childcare costs to take some pressure off you? Even if just for a few months, it may give you a chance to 'catch up' financially.

Blossom64265 · 23/03/2022 14:01

I understand being the one to deal with the nights. Btdt. In exchange, your DH has to pick up the vast majority of the day to day chores and child care. It’s the only way to cope with the sleep deprivation. It really doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have more free time. You aren’t getting sleep and you are working full time. You don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond that. He has to take the remainder.

Heyahun · 23/03/2022 14:01

you are saying sleep training doesnt work he just wants to be held to sleep... so you give him what he wants...thats why its not working - because you aren't doing it. You have to persevere with the crying and have a few bad nights and not give in to the holdng him to sleep option.

it's fine if you don't want to sleep train obviosuly - but just to point out that you are doing it wrong if you go in and help him each time

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/03/2022 14:08

Tbh with you, I think the best thing is write all the issues out in blocks of time, esp if you are a teacher and have set blocks of time, terms and "holidays". Every 6 weeks you have time you need to be in school
Work out exactly when you will have paid off relative and show it to yourself as a decreasing balance each month. Add in any positive factors at all.
I had a phase (before there was eventax free xhildcare) where I was paying out more in childcare for 2 than I was earning. I had a chart thing on the wall showing the 2 years, with childcare dropping and how much I would be taking home at each stage. I showed the decreasing balance on each loan as long as I stuck to it and gave myself huge ticks each month.
I know it's hard but if you can hang on in there, it will be worth it

Elsiebear90 · 23/03/2022 14:30

Is the money you’re sending to your relative a loan payment or are you financially supporting someone? Like a parent maybe? You’ve been really vague about the situation and said the amount can’t be lowered as they’re not well off, which makes me think it’s not a loan payment, maybe you’re paying their mortgage or rent?

If so you can’t put yourself into debt supporting someone else and it should stop or at least reduce asap.

RegardingMary · 23/03/2022 14:41

Can DH co sleep with DS and you sleep in the spare room 3 nights a week. That way it's a fair division. I know you say 'he can't do nights' but you're likely to snap if you don't get a decent rest at some point.

I won't reccomend sleep training. Its more reliant on your ability to ignore an upset child than their ability to sleep.

But 14 months has been hell for us at times. It will settle as all things do. Its just a season. In a couple of months sleep will be good again. You just need to survive until then. Everyone needs to do their fair share of nights.

Everything will seem easier once you get a sleep.

NoSquirrels · 23/03/2022 14:50

@Blossom64265

I understand being the one to deal with the nights. Btdt. In exchange, your DH has to pick up the vast majority of the day to day chores and child care. It’s the only way to cope with the sleep deprivation. It really doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have more free time. You aren’t getting sleep and you are working full time. You don’t have the bandwidth for anything beyond that. He has to take the remainder.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

If he can’t do nights, and he can’t do your marking etc as a teacher, then he needs to do everything else.

Fair’s fair.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 23/03/2022 16:20

OP youre struggling at the moment. Surely another baby would make ever worse
You need to make some changes - PP have given good advice. Or, hang in there until baby sleeps better and youve paid your relative off.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 23/03/2022 16:28

*everything worse

wearingtheT · 23/03/2022 16:45

I had a poor sleeper, I'd had enough at ten months, so well done.
I had to leave him to cry, it only took a few days to break him. he's slept every night for over a decade since.

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/03/2022 16:54

Surely this is one of the most annoying threads today? OP shoots down any suggestion made to her and won’t give a full picture about why her finances are the way they are e.g. £750 to family member

RegardingMary · 23/03/2022 16:59

@NorthSouthcatlady

To me it sounds like an exhausted woman who feels like she's tried everything she has the energy to already. She knows there's no easy fix or quick solution, but sometimes it nice to be able to say your struggling and hopefully there'll be someone out there who can provide a level of solidarity.

sillysmiles · 23/03/2022 17:18

@NorthSouthcatlady

Surely this is one of the most annoying threads today? OP shoots down any suggestion made to her and won’t give a full picture about why her finances are the way they are e.g. £750 to family member

Surely it is none of our business why she has to pay out money to a relative in the context of her feeling stuck.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/03/2022 17:20

@NorthSouthcatlady

Surely this is one of the most annoying threads today? OP shoots down any suggestion made to her and won’t give a full picture about why her finances are the way they are e.g. £750 to family member

@NorthSouthcatlady - I can't see that this is annoying and there may well be a reason she's paying £750 to a family member.

Shooting down any suggestions - to be fair - OP just sounds knackered, fed up, prob has a DH problem re not helping

Shrekles20 · 23/03/2022 17:22

Well the only option is to toughen up and start sleep training and getting husband to help.

It’s not easy and will require some tough nights but then it’s done. Child doesn’t like husband at nights? Tough luck. They need to learn at some point that the world doesn’t revolve entirely around them surely? 🤷‍♀️

Gazelda · 23/03/2022 17:30

@NorthSouthcatlady

Surely this is one of the most annoying threads today? OP shoots down any suggestion made to her and won’t give a full picture about why her finances are the way they are e.g. £750 to family member

I don't feel annoyed. I feel sympathetic to OP's situation. And empathy to that feeling when you know that to get out of a difficult situation is going to take more effort and energy than is currently in the tank. And understanding that OP knows that the solution lies only with her and DH but she can't see the wood for the trees because she's tired? And respect for her not wanting to share details of the loan arrangement.

Give OP a break. She's venting. She's at the end of her tether. She's exhausted. I'm sure she's grateful for suggestions which she'll explore when she has the energy.

Tumbleweed101 · 23/03/2022 17:38

Is a temporary reduction in working hours an option for either of you? It would reduce nursery fees and allow a parent to deal with night waking without then trying to work a full day.

One or other of us didn't work full time when mine were under two but it was still exhausting so can see why you might be struggling with exhaustion.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 24/03/2022 09:21

@NorthSouthcatlady

Surely this is one of the most annoying threads today? OP shoots down any suggestion made to her and won’t give a full picture about why her finances are the way they are e.g. £750 to family member

I find it more annoying that people are getting snippy with her for not immediately acting on their advice. She's clearly down and struggling but has responded gracefully throughout. Maybe she just needs some kind words and sympathy right now?