AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

[Strawberrychocolatevanilla]

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it.

I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t.

I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday.

I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it.

I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

One of mine didn’t respond to sleep training which in hindsight makes sense but didn’t at the time. He did cosleep though and it was a lifesaver.
You say it’s cramped and you get kicked. Have you got a spare room? I’d kick DH out to make space for DS for the time being, just to get a decent night’s kip.
Dh will sleep better too, then he can take over some of the household chores.

Everything looks worse with no sleep. Your DH would have to work it out if you weren’t there. I went into hospital for a routine test when DD was a baby and came home several weeks later after nearly dying. Everyone survived!
You are a teacher so at least 2 weeks off at Easter. Come up with a plan and get sleep sorted. Could you go away to a relative for a few days and leave them to it.
The loan repayment to relative is far too high for your income. Is there anything you can sell to assist repaying them if you won’t re negotiate.
Cheaper childcare - some cm do term only.
If you are married then house/mortgage in his name much less of an issue there is a mechanism to protect you. If not married you are being blooming stupid to be frank.

OP, it's nearly the end of term - things will look better when you get a breather from school.

In the meantime, could you set up a bed in your son's room, or one for him in yours? Our 2yo has occasional runs of a week or so of disturbed sleep and either me or DH sleeps on a trundle bed in her room. We wake quite quickly if she's stirring and saying "sssh, sleep now" usually sends her back off without fully waking. After a couple of nights doing that, she tends to go back to sleeping through. And even if not, it's respite for the person who isn't on DD watch, and we don't get as tired with one good night in every two.

Go and stay at a friend/relatives house for a week. Upyou sleep and DH deals with DS. Tell him you will come back when ds is sleeping from 7pm to 6am. If controlled crying wont work, let him cry it out. I only suggest it in extreme cases, but it sounds like you have found that trying intermediate steps wont work.

Not sleeping properly is very bad for your health, but its also v bad for ds both his health and his mental development. His brain needs a full nights sleep to be able to make the connections needed for proper brain function

When do you get a long lie/ relaxation time? If you are both working M-F, you need one day lie in and rest, your DH the other.
If your DH not parenting well enough to allow this to happen, that's your problem!
Sleep deprivation is form of torture. Hope it gets better soon OP.

Go and stay at a friend's or a cheap hotel for a night, DH will have to deal with it, DS will have to put up with it, you'll get one decent night's sleep.

Yeah … it’s not a long term solution, though. One good nights sleep won’t make me feel better. In a weird way it makes me feel worse. I’ve definitely found you adjust to how much sleep you get. Last night was exceptionally awful though.

Also, as you can't take time off due to your job, can DH take a day off to get on top of some housework and make things feel less overwhelming for you? A day where he does everything, you come home to a clean tidy house, he cooks dinner and does bedtime, you just get yourself to bed. OK, you'll still have the night time problems but hopefully more restful.

Not long til your Easter break!

Ok - SIL and DB used to co-sleep until about maybe 2.5 coming up to 3 years old - but like you say nothing else worked. Their relatives (SIL's DB and DW) - their first child, easy as pie to get to sleep, second child (now 18 months) they tried sleep training and nothing was working - in the end they hired a sleep nanny - who though she didn't completely solve the problem had lots of good ideas and baby now sleeps much better!

Have you tried Ebaying anything you don't need/want?

I know you're probably shattered with work being a teacher but what about looking into marking exam papers in holidays for extra money?

I know you say you're paying back a relative but can this be delayed or at least cut in half until e.g. your first child starts school as the amount you're paying them is a hefty chunk of your monthly outgoings.

If dh isn't at the 'end of his tether' too then he obviously isn't stepping up as a partner! He needs to support you physically AND emotionally. This is a joint situation, 50/50, so I can't see why it is all your problem. As soon as half is taken over by dh the problem becomes shared and will lighten your load.
Forgive me if I have missed something but does he do anything apart from go to work? I'm not including 'helping you out' when you're desperate either.
Why can't he have two sleepless nights at the weekend? Leave him to it and not assist. The sooner it is his problem as well the sooner it will be solved.
On weekdays leave him to cook and do housework then you can help out at weekends after hopefully, a better night's sleep.
The financial situation is temporary so just accept that young families often struggle and it will get better in time (not very helpful I know) but your mental health is the priority here.

Sympathies OP, I have been there and the lack of sleep is AWFUL! I hope it improves soon - if you have tried all the tricks in the book and it still isn't working then you just need to hang in there. It does get better in the end but I felt at my absolute worst when my youngest was between 12-18 months as the build up of crappy sleep over such a long time was crippling and not the sort of thing that would be solved by getting a relative to take her for a night, etc. Sorry, that is quite negative but you are not alone and you will survive. Its just shit for now.

Re the finances, could you/your husband get a loan to pay off your relative with lower repayments over a longer period of time? I know it drags the problem out for longer but might make things more manageable and meeting your payments will probably improve your credit so you can get on the mortgage.

Well you said yourself you can’t sustain this, so trying to sleep train or co sleep can’t be any worse than it is now surely?
You need to break it down and tackle each element separately.

DH - needs to step up. Child will get used to DH going in eventually, you both need to persist. Send him in first and you go as a last resort. If you have a second child, DH will need to deal with the eldest whilst you tend to the baby anyway, so may as well get used to it.

Sleep - I had a shit sleeper too. I coslept on the really bad nights. As above, DH did his share too. Everything is better with sleep. We also had a spare bed in DS’s room which DH often still sleeps in now. FYI it got much better at 18 months when we gave DS a duvet and pillow, no idea why but it did. It will get better, I promise.

Money - you need a proper budget. List everything going in and out of the house. Is DH overdrawn too? You shouldn’t be in debt if he has spare money at the end of the month. Work out what is left (if any) after essentials are paid and then work out how much you can realistically afford to pay relative back without going into further debt. Can you take a month’s break to clear your overdraft? You need to get on top of this, it will help clear your head.

House - chores need to be split fairly or outsourced. If there is no money for a cleaner, etc then DH needs to be doing his share. List all the jobs that need doing and how often and split them between you then organise a rota for when they are done. E.g. If you are doing bedtime, DH can cook dinner/ put washing on/ load dishwasher, etc.

DS - he’s doing exactly what 14 month olds so. My eldest is 3.5 now and still wants all of my food, fights medicine and whines at bedtime. You will deal better with this when you have dealt with the above.

Life is hard and expensive with small children but you’re not supposed to deal with the burden alone. I’m due back at work soon after having DC2 and DH and I have already sorted a budget to allow us to get a cleaner in and a rota to ensure the rest of the household chores are sorted. Good luck

Hugs OP - my child was like yours with the constant wakings / neediness, and mine didn’t respond to sleep training either. It works well for a lot of people, but what those smug people don’t realise is that it does NOT work on stubborn children. It just doesn’t.

Anyway. I wish I had a solution. I chose to quit work as I was broken by the lack of sleep (ever fallen asleep midsentence sitting up? I have!) If a career break is not an option then I don’t know what to suggest, maybe there is no solution.

It WILL get better though, 14 months was the neediest age for us.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Is the payment to relative actually a loan repayment or is it money you’re gifting them for some reason? You’re being vague and saying it’s complicated which makes me think the latter. If so you need to think hard about stopping and putting your own family unit first.

Maybe because you are sleep deprived but your financial situation - excluding the payments to a relative - sound strange and in your shoes, I'd be very cautious.

I know you are saying DH - but are you actually legally married?

I understand it is hard while everything else is a mess - but I think you need to look after your long-term financial future too and not be reliant on a marriage where financially things aren't being dealt with equally.

Not practical help but I remember that age being grim with ours too, it's the culmination of over a year of not sleeping properly and you just feel absolutely awful. We ended up going away for a night when he was 16 months old and he just suddenly got the idea of not waking up 10 times a night but up to that point it was hellish and certainly didn't feel like there was an end in sight.

Is there any chance the relative would reduce payment at all over a longer term? That is an awful lot of your income. Or could you get a zero interest card to pay for family things on for a few months and use the money saved to reduce their payments then start paying it back once relative paid off but before they start charging interest?

I know I’m repeating what a lot of people have said, but honestly your baby can be sleep trained. It is HARD and feels awful, but once you succeed and see that you’ve given your baby the skills to self-settle and so they (and you) are well rested and happier for it, you realise how important it is.

Use the jo frost method pp linked to and STICK with it - get your DH to back you up so that you hand over instead of giving up and you WILL crack it in a week or less.

My first dc was a nightmare sleeper - literally never napped for more than 40 mins daytime and barely two hour stretches at night. Timed cc demonstrated that going in to soothe so often was actually disturbing her more, so extending the gaps between soothings quickly gave her time to drop off to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, the process was so awful and made me so sad, I had to fight so hard against my instincts and doubted whether it was right or would even work. My DH was much better at hearing the cries weaken as dc dropped off to sleep than I was, so we could then pause for another moment longer. Then a few nights later we could all just sleep in a normal pattern and it was like a huge cloud lifted.

When you are working, sleep has to be sorted. Every other stress then feels more manageable.

In all honesty you sound burnt out. If I were you I would go to your GP and explain you are on your knees. Take the maximum fully paid sick leave afforded to you and use this time to reduce your childcare bill (assume DS is term-time only contract as it is?). If DS went in 2 mornings to keep him in the way of things you could ask for a 6 month break.
Whatever you save use 1/3 towards your overdraft, 1/3 to savings for when you return and 1/3 to ease your current situation.
You would save on travel costs too.
Assume you use childcare vouchers too? Keep accruing these to ease when you return.

Parental Leave!

It's a thing. "Parental leave is unpaid. You’re entitled to 18 weeks’ leave for each child and adopted child, up to their 18th birthday.

The limit on how much parental leave each parent can take in a year is 4 weeks for each child (unless the employer agrees otherwise).

You must take parental leave as whole weeks (eg 1 week or 2 weeks) rather than individual days, unless your employer agrees otherwise or if your child is disabled. You don’t have to take all the leave at once."

If you or your DH or both can apply for a break every now and again it might help you weather this tough time. It's unpaid but as you are losing the extra taxed and NI'd bit of your salary it might not be as bad financially as you imagine. It might save you from burn out and quitting.

It's not an extra - employers must grant it albeit at a negotiated time.

@Strawberrychocolatevanilla

Sorry X post. It’s really a non starter with sleep training although I don’t think you should be flamed for suggesting it. It’s just not really happening here.

If you're not prepared to sort out your DC's sleep issues then I'm afraid nothing is going to change. He shouldn't be up half the night at 14 months old. You'll find everything else so much easier to manage if you're getting a decent night's sleep and he will be much easier if he's well rested too. You clearly don't want to hear it, but it's the the key to everything.

I have been you only my bad sleeper was no3 but I was shattered going to work after a night of no sleep- at one point I kept a mattress under his cot.

I struggled with sleep training until I watched Jo Frost - I realised I wasn’t doing it right.

Took a few days of work and gave it my all in less than 2 weeks he was sleep trained at 18 months old it was amazing!!! Don’t get me wrong the first 2-3 days were horrrendous which is why I took time off

Worth a watch most of her stuff is on you tube

In terms of other help have you looked at entitled to you may be entitled to child care vouchers - they are also for higher earners and this may lift the burden slightly

I wonder if you are in the tunnel vision place of exhaustion.

DH needs to persevere being the one who gets up at night. I suggest that you go away from two nights to kick start things and don’t have to hear the crying for the first two nights.

I think 14 months is a very tricky age for sleep. Both my children started resisting sleep at that age. If they woke in the night they just wanted to get up and play. Your son may not want to sleep but he needs a lot of sleep at his age. I had to resort to sleep training with mine at around 14 months. Incredibly hard but both children were sleeping 12 hours a night after about 5 days of sleep training (for my daughter it only took one night). They were much happier and easier children once they started sleeping well.

I'm not sure how much nursery is per session/hour, but would you consider a childminder.
Here nursery is around £65 a day, my childminder costs £42.50 so a massive saving. Also my DD actually started sleeping a bit better when she started going to the CM.
We were exhausted so in desperation tried sleep training with her when she was around 12 months and it just didn't work at all. We tried again when she was 18 months and it was completely different. Now she still doesn't sleep through all the time but the difference compared to before is amazing. Maybe revisit the sleep training at a slightly later date, when they don't have a cold or cough or anything else that might interfere with their sleep. Also it can take 2 weeks for a method to work fully so maybe pick one and stick to it for that length of time.