AIBU to think my life just isn’t sustainable as it is? And how can I sort it?

[Strawberrychocolatevanilla]

I honestly don’t know what to do with any of it.

I work FT. I also have a 14 month old who doesn’t sleep. He wakes constantly through the night and it takes ages to settle him. Last night I was up at 9, then 1130, it took me until nearly 2 to get him back down then awake again at 4. DH does try really hard to help but he just can’t.

I feel like I’m drowning financially - am paying off a variety of things and it’s a bit complex but just never have any money even though I’m on quite a good salary. I get paid on Monday and I will be overdrawn again by Tuesday.

I’m not really enjoying DS at the moment. Sometimes I do but a lot of the time I just find him relentless. I have food and he’s in my face wanting some. I try to give him calpol to ease cold symptoms and he screams and resists as if I’m subjecting him to extended torture. Last night he kept coughing and I snapped at him to stop. As if he could help it.

I’m just permanently tired, stressed, ratty. House is a mess. Never time to do or sort anything.

Sorry you're near the end of your tether. If you sort the sleep, everything else becomes much easier. So make it a priority now. Don't come to it with 'it just doesn't work for us' etc. - your baby is now older so what didn't work before may work now. For sleep training to work you need to be committed, calm, focussed. Stick with it, even when it's hard. That's the only way that it works. Enlist your partner's help, don't do it alone. Pick ONE programme, don't read 'loads' of books. Just pick one that makes sense and feels comfortable for you, pick a date, and do it. All else fails, save money and get help from a sleep consultant who will work with you one to one to work out what might be going on. Making sure your child learns how to have high quality, uninterrupted sleep is a v important skill, so it's worth investing in. And you will be a changed woman!

Why ask for help if you’re going to ignore everyone?

It’s a bit suspicious that your partner is getting a mortgage that relies on no childcare responsibility - he has a child so surely you both need to be looking at a suitable mortgage.

DH can do nights, pandering to your child and making excuses isn’t going to help anyone. Sleep training takes time, it doesn’t happen overnight and you have to be consistent.

Is it worth ds going to nursery at a grand a month? What other options for nursery or preschool is there? Would going part time be a viable option or being a stay at home mum until he’s 4 and starts school?

£750 a month for so long is crazy, considering you’re broke what on earth was so much money for? Just contact relative ‘sorry relative I’m in a bit of financial difficult right now and can only afford £500 a month’

If you’re up at night from 1130 to 2 trying to settle your child then it’s a bit ridiculous to say your DH can’t do this, because you are not settling him anyway if it’s taking 2.5 hours. Give him to his dad if it’s going to take you that long anyway.

I’m not intending to do that at all, @Chichimcgee, I’m just trying to be honest about what things are like.

My advice would be to break down the issues.
Money. Sleep. Mess. Etc and tackle independently.

In relation to his sleep, what are his naps like during the day? How many awake hours does he have before you put him down?

Have you explored medical possibilities for his poor sleep? I know he’s a bit old for silent reflux etc but does he show any signs of food intolerances or other conditions? That’s worth checking out as not always immediately obvious the child is in discomfort.

I did successfully sleep train a toddler. Was bloody hard work and soul destroying at times but completely worth it. Cry it out didn’t work at all. I had success with a version of shush and pat. You can pick them up and comfort but it focuses on self soothing in the same was as other methods. What’s his bedtime routine like? Consistent? Calming? etc.

Of course your child's Dad can do nights - it's all about teaching your son that he can scream until he is blue in the face and throwing up, but mum will not give in. Yes it will be tough and unpleasant and will feel like you are taking a few steps back for a while, but it has to be done.

I take it from your responses that you are not using contraception and are waiting to find out if you can have another baby or not (probably yes, given that you recently had one).

I agree about having a family rather than a baby, and I assume the proposed new house and bigger mortgage is part of this project. What I would say is yes, that is all achievable, but...if you are struggling now and thinking it will get easier soon, that is not the case. It will be a long slog. It might be worth thinking seriously whether this will be worth it for you? For many people it is, and having that goal brings them happiness and makes the difficult everyday reality bearable. For me, I'm a big fan of my everyday reality being enjoyable and not a constant struggle...

Without meaning to be harsh and I suspect you can't see the wood for the trees at the moment but the reason you are in this situation is because you aren't prepared to sort it out.

Make DH do his turn. The first couple of times are hard because perhaps DC will cry and scream for you but this will stop when he realises he can't have you and he is stuck with DH.

Exactly the same with sleep training. It actually does work if you follow the guidance. I suspect the issue is you don't because you have already said you think it is for babies that don't need picking up.

It is tough to go through but within a couple of nights you will see it works.

Looks like I'm just going to be following most other people's tracks here, by querying
• whether you can reduce payments to relative temporarily, due to your own hardship - explaining that if you break you won't be able to pay ANY of it without being at work
• is there any merit in going part time, so you have baby at home with you maybe 2 days a week, and save on nursery fees? Or would the offset not be sufficient?
• a probably very unpopular suggestion - would it be worth taking a sabbatical, or even stopping work for a couple of years, especially if you want a second baby?
• never mind sleep training, have you at all considered/tried co-sleeping? If he doesn't respond to sleep training, then co-sleeping might work instead.

That's the list of my thoughts - feel free to reject at will!

And if you really do need to do the night time wakings alone make sure your other half is doing the bulk of everything else when he’s not working, so at the weekends giving you the lie ins!

You need time to recover!

I really don’t think DS responds to sleep training. I have read the books and they seem to start from the premise of child not needing to be picked up.

Really it's more about accepting that they will resist change so are going to cry about it, offering some comfort but gradually reducing that. It is hard, if you want to do it "gently" it takes much, much longer.

@TheYearOfSmallThings no. Tbh we last had sex circa January but on the odd occasion we do we use condoms. I would like to consider trying later this year but as I’ve said I am old and may not be able to conceive.

Co sleeping definitely works as DS sleeps, the problem is I don’t. He’s so wriggly and kicks and he does still wake … you don’t wake up feeling at all rested or refreshed, I’ve been trying really hard not to go down that route again and things had got better but now they’ve got worse again.

In a way I’d love to stop work but then relative would be an issue! It’s like knitting with spaghetti which is why I might be coming over as obstructive. I’m not, it’s just a difficult position is all.

For 1000 a month have you got tax free childcare? Does your nursery charge you during the holidays (some do term time only)?

I came on here to say sleep training too but it sounds like you've decided that it won't work (in which case it won't!).
I think once you get some decent sleep everything else seems more manageable.
I went back to work when DD was 10.5 months, and after my first week back realised I couldn't go on as we were, so we did controlled crying. 2 nights of crying and she's slept 11-12 hours every night since!

It’s cheaper during holidays. I’ve said £1000 but that’s what I transfer to the joint account, most for nursery but a bit is a contribution to the house, mortgage groceries etc.

Can you sit down with relative - I'm assuming they're pretty good with money if they have loaned you at least £9k, possibly more. Say "I'm really struggling with everything, nursery is £1k, my take home is £xx, so by the time I pay you and nursery I'm over drawn, please can you help me see where I'm going wrong and make some suggestions?"

I can't imagine once they see the numbers in front of them they won't agree to letting you pay back less each month. If you paid £500/month they'd be paid back in 18 months anyway.

If you show that you're trying to budget, you've got a spreadsheet, you're doing your best and have tightened your belt to the absolute max, I'm sure the obvious answer is to reduce that monthly payment.

Definitely don't mention having another baby to them, unless it's to say "we'd love another baby but we just can't afford it".

Could you sleep from 7:30-8ish onwards to 1am. Then do night waking?

I would second co-sleeping. Whatever your personal feelings are about this just bin them in order to get some sleep. It won’t be forever.

No not good with money! It’s a complex situation, I won’t totally go into it but it is just a difficult one for now.

Wait - I thought you said DH pays the mortgage. But it sounds like you're contributing to the mortgage that you're not named on?

Sleep train.
From one teacher to another. I get it, I really do.

Sleep training saved me.

Sleep deprivation is horrid and three times as bad when your juggling a job too. Mine didn’t sleep either despite all the well meaning advice and “training” until she was 4.5yrs. Would a separate bed for your child next to your bed help? A camping mat on the floor. So it’s not quite as comfy as the child’s bed but then you need to be firm on this bed on floor by mummy bed or your bed but not in the bed with you? It may help the separation anxiety of the child. It should eventually get easier but this is a horrid phase. Our 2nd child just slept through with minimal “training” no different parenting just a very different child!

I contribute about £150 a month plus nursery fees. That’s for mortgage, council tax, electricity, groceries. Etc.

@SkiRun0077 I think this is why sleep training doesn’t work. He doesn’t care if you’re there - he has to be held. As soon as you put him down he wakes up and cries. Then eventually gives up through exhaustion but wakes two hours later.

If you can cut back on anything at all, I'd pay for a sleep trainer. It cost us about £300 and honestly changed my life, I wished I'd done it sooner. Things are so much better when you're not feeling so tired and because you don't have to go to bed so early, you actually have time to do stuff. Exercise, or relaxing, or catching up on jobs so you're not trying to do everything while you look after the baby, or tutoring or something to get some extra cash?

I think this time is the hardest, trying to get back into work when you've had mat leave, your child is at such an intense age, they always want picking up at the worst times, they can't entertain themselves and they get every illness going, and then you do because you're so run down. Things will look a lot different in a year.

If you give details of your outgoings, routines etc. then people might be able to suggest little changes that make a big difference to your life

Sounds like your DH needs to do more to help in the nights so you both get some constant sleep.
I don't think blagging your financial outgoings over childcare costs is going to help in the long run. It's likely to create more financial pressure especially if interest rates rise. The reason banks want to understand your outgoings is to assess affordability and reduce the financial burden.
You could get backed into a financial corner and then if you want to change your job or lifestyle the future then this could be impossible.