My bully has Facebook friend requested me

[planetme]

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

I would be tempted to message her something like why are you contacting me? Or how dare you contact me you vile individual/sad loser then block

@doobyscoob

Hi why not accept and write on her public page?

Remember how you bullied me in such an awful way?

Please ignore this completely!

Had this once ...nasty bully from school sent me a friend request..I had a quick nosy at her very open page then blocked her. Not something I wanted to revisit. Felt amazing to block her. Id block and move on. X

Just block her .although I would be tempted to send a pic of you in your porsche!

I would ignore it. If she wants to reach out/apologise I'm sure she could find a way through mutual friends or messenger. More likely she doesn't remember what's she's done or she doesn't care. You know you got through that and succeeded it doesn't matter what she thinks.

@dottiedodah

Just block her .although I would be tempted to send a pic of you in your porsche!

That would be a little random, surely

I'd accept just to see if I was getting an apology. People change.

Just ignore like she is of absolutely no consequence to you. If you accept then you hear nothing further from her it will just take up more of your headspace.

I just wouldn't put any stock in an apology. It would only be for her peace of mind if she reached out JUST to apologise. If it were someone with some acquaintance remaining then an apology might come up for genuine reasons. People who reach out, out of the blue are only doing it for their own headspace, not because they see an impact on you. Just leave it/ her. There's no point in allowing her headspace, trying to second guess her actions (i think the MLM idea is probably about right).

There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

The person who bullied me reached out to me was only after money to fund her self glory charity trip abroad and tell me about her BBC job, champagne lifestyle, flash car blah blah. Hardly someone I wanted in my life.

@doobyscoob

Hi why not accept and write on her public page?

Remember how you bullied me in such an awful way?

Hi why not stop giving daft advice?

@IsItFuck

I'll get piled on here but it is very possible that a 15 year old bully has changed into a decent 30/40 something woman, especially if she has had children who have mellowed her. I'm not saying you should accept or forgive OP (I will never forgive some people for certain things in my life either) but it's very possible she's not selling anything or being nosy and just wants to offer a genuine apology.

I am now good friends with a couple of bullies from school. They turned into lovely women, it was all a long time ago and they really are good people now. I also found out they'd both been suffering from absolutely terrible home lives while we were at school. They were apologetic and genuine. We then became real friends. I guess it depends how long ago it is since the bullying, with me, it was a long time, ten years until I remet them. If they'd approached me earlier, it would have felt too raw, too soon. I hated hated them! It was pretty intense bullying, but these are now some of my kindest, gentlest friends. At 15, I'd never have believed I'd end up friends with them! Not everyone is like this, some bullies may stay horrid throughout their whole lifetime, and should be avoided. Just putting my own experience out there. X

It seems to be quite common for bullies to maker contact on SM...used to happen a lot of the school version of friends reunited. I wasn;t bullied at school but there are a few people I would cheerfully block from my adult life. I think either don't give her headspace, block and move on...or if there is something you want to say then say it, leave it 24 hours and then block. I am sure that bullies can and do change but you owe her nothing.

My school bully was friends with a friend, so found my FB via them. Then they bumped in to me at a wedding. After all that time, they didn't seem quite so scary and we were both very different people than decades ago. Holding a grudge is tiring, you don't need to accept this request but it's not worth playing games about.

This is interesting on bullying in kids:
www.theguardian.com/society/2022/mar/19/how-to-bully-proof-your-kids-for-life-according-to-the-expert
Also I think an apology if done properly and genuinely doesn't just make the bully feel better, it can help free you from those deep seated feelings of hurt. Forgiveness is freeing for the 'victim', not the perpetrator

I'd accept it. Give her time to see how great your life is. Then block her.

I'll get piled on here but it is very possible that a 15 year old bully has changed into a decent 30/40 something woman, especially if she has had children who have mellowed her.

It's more likely however that she's rewritten history in her own mind and conveniently forgotten her actions. This is why they bluster and feign astonishment when confronted with the truth.

This happened to me and I found it very triggering. I couldn't begin to rationalize the emotions but one of them was fury.
I accepted, sadly to give her an insight into how great my life turned out, she sent me a very generic "hey how's things" message and embarrassingly... I replied with "By the looks of things I guess it's true what they say about nothing good coming to bully's"

I feel utterly mortified for myself now, almost 10 years later and die a little every time I see her because it's just not the kind of person I am.
My only defense was, I was in my very early 20's and a little less mature

I think these the people,sometimes,have amnesia when it comes to their own past behaviour. I've seen posts from people who were nasty shits at school posting anti bullying memes and calling bullies all the names under the sun and they fail to make the connection to their former selves.

Bloody tempting from your POV. I've noticed that they often have catastrophic lives and are typically very damanged/troubled people.

@Momijin

Accept her and let her see how far you've come in life and then post a few karma posts etc.

Rightly or wrongly , a guy I was seeing at uni went off with a friend (not a close friend but nevertheless it hurt). Rightly or wrongly, she struggled for many years to have kids and only managed to have one very late on. I had mine super easily and she looks a lot older than me. As petty as it sounds, serves her right.

@Momijin

I think your post says more about you than your uni boyfriend and friend. Yes, they were in the wrong, but it's horrible to take such satisfaction in her misfortune

In any event, the best revenge is indifference

As an adult (I’m 45) I’ve found out so many things about what people in my school were going through that I had no idea at the time. Through Fb I’ve discovered that some of the most disruptive children in my year were suffering sexual or physical abuse all through school and i had no idea.
I’m not saying all bullies had “excuses” but just that it actually helps me to know now that the children who made school tough for some of us were not doing it for any reason to do with us, it was all about their own lives and problems.

It is shocking how few people stand up for what's right. 3% according to kip williams ((study on bullying)

A female relative of mine gave me the silent treatment to 3xclude me. Not a single other relative tried to draw me back in. She is q very dominant character. Not a good person.

A woman who tried to bully me at my first secondary school committed suicide just before her 50th
I say tried to bully me because when she wouldnt let me out of the toilets i said "trying out a spot of bullying this week *Emma? Is this gonna be your forté. Will people say "she was a good bully to be fair".

She didnt like what she was hearing so pushed me out with a gracious "you're pardonned" demeanour.

It is so awful reading some of these stories where peoples yellow bellied friends abandoned them. That's worse.

Dd was bullied in primary, fortunately her excellent teacher put a stop to it very quickly.
During secondary dd didn’t mix with the girl.
As an adult she mixed with a group that occasionally included this girl.
I, being protective and remembering dd sobbing as a 9 year old , dislike the girl intensely.
Dd said she’s changed mum.
Cue a night out where dd was invited with others to the bully’s home and subtly left out by the woman during the evening and then put in a bedroom on her own whilst the others paired up.

My dd admitted the woman is still not a nice person when it comes to my dd and dd no longer mixes with her.
And I know her parents and I’m very sure the woman has not been abused in any way as a dc.