Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bully has Facebook friend requested me

413 replies

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:19

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
Femalewoman · 23/03/2022 08:04

@planetme

I had a very similar request a few years ago when a school reunion was planned. A large number of people who I attended school with all sent facebook requests including my former bully.

I attended the event. She was there. I avoided her. Not sure why but I didn't say anything. It transpires she bullied a few others, which I was unaware of at the time.

There was a school friend that couldn't bring herself to go since she was badly bullied by a group of the 'in crowd/popular girls'. I was unaware until I asked if she was going about this bullying. I was shy and very quiet and head down at school so not surprised I was unaware since I just wanted to disappear. The in crowd were there recounting their school days and I did actually say some aren't here due to bullying at school. They appear to have 'blocked it out' of their memories or pretended to.

You have choices to ignore or talk to her via messenger of your experience at her hand.

Good luck Flowers bullying stays with you

MistySkiesAfterRain · 23/03/2022 08:05

I had a wierd relationship with a bully. She was very fickle but the key thing that stood out was playing games that turned physical, nicknames, and taking my things.

I actually befriended her in the end as a strategy to keep myself safe. The friendship petered out after school as she became increasingly dogmatic and difficult to be around. However at some point in adult years I realised what she did was bullying and it had a dramatic effect on how I felt about myself. Once when I met her I told her that what she did had this effect on me and she was mortified and said she felt bad that she made me feel that way. This was in some way good to hear but stops short of making up for the past - you can't get back what is done.

She has had a life plagued with mental health issues and I suspect your bully would have had the same. I would almost feel sorry for mine but she comes from a wealthy family.

I would probably reflect but ignore and just focus on your good life.

Sistanotcista · 23/03/2022 08:06

@declutteringmymind

I would just ignore it. Or block her if it's triggering. She doesn't get to dictate how and when she affects you. If you ever want to look her up, you know where she is.
Exactly this.
Femalewoman · 23/03/2022 08:07

I wonder if any ex bullies here (or perhaps they still bully) would comment on this?

DrSbaitso · 23/03/2022 08:08

@dottiedodah

Just block her .although I would be tempted to send a pic of you in your porsche!
Imagine that one on here...

"AIBU? I just tried to friend someone I knew at school on Facebook, and she sent me a picture of a Porsche then blocked me!"

crispmidnightpeace · 23/03/2022 08:09

Don't decline or block, just leave it hanging there, forever. She'll either have a permanent reminder that she's inconsequential, or she'll have to remove the request herself, with her tail between her legs.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/03/2022 08:10

I'd just ignore. My first thought was that she wants to apologise. However, most only do this for their own benefit and not because they are genuinely contrite.

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 08:10

@Femalewoman

I wonder if any ex bullies here (or perhaps they still bully) would comment on this?
There are plenty of adult bullies on Mumsnet. They'll be the ones coming up with ways to be horrible to the woman rather than just being the bigger person.
Bertiebeans3 · 23/03/2022 08:14

This exact thing happened to me about 14-15(?) years ago when I first joined facebook. This girl didn’t bully me constantly but she was a horrible person though and I was really shy and quiet in a really rough north London school. One day she walked behind me in class and randomly stabbed me in the head with a compass. Teacher wasn’t there and everyone saw it (was in so much pain and just held it in as I was too shy to even cry!). Just pure evil.

Thankfully I grew out of the shyness not long after leaving school. When she requested me I sent her a message saying about it and that I thought it was strange she’s requesting me as she did that? She never replied and that was that! Kind of pissed me off more as I was actually willing to give her the chance to say sorry and thought since she’d grown up a lot since then maybe she would be really apologetic. Obviously not the case though!! 😬

I bumped into another girl a few years after leaving school and she had just started at my workplace. She was one of the “popular” girls at school and tbh I never remember her being mean to me but she said sorry to me, if there had ever been anything she had said that was not nice when we were at school(!). She was heavily pregnant at the time and I thought it was nice that she said that at least. Not that I knew what she was talking about but I think my brain blocked most of my secondary school years out thankfully! 😕

Lurking9to5 · 23/03/2022 08:15

Yes one thing i noticed is that my cousin who gives me the silent treatment while fawning over everybody else, she identifies as a lovely person. She genuinely feels that i needed to be taken down a peg. She posts things about the nuns and 5heir wickedness to single mothers and the evil of the church etc, and i roll my eyes. She would have madeva great nun.

Lurking9to5 · 23/03/2022 08:19

A lot of bullying is levelling and the leveller feels you have no right to consider yourself better. But high status people as perceived by them, that association validates them, so those higher status people dont get levelled.

You're at risk if q bully feels you nearly have the same social status as them but not through power and control; through being reliable, decent, warm, supportive...

Momicrone · 23/03/2022 08:22

Femalewoman, bullies never seem to admit it much like dog poo leavers

PenguinPup · 23/03/2022 08:30

I would decline and move on. I had 2 ex work colleagues asking to friend me and they were absolute arseholes to me at work. One laughed in my face when I said I had a boyfriend, the other told me how ugly I was on a regular basis. I suspect they wanted to make fun of me over Facebook too. I took pleasure in declining them. Life's too short to have to deal with these arseholes all the time Flowers

AllOfUsAreDead · 23/03/2022 08:31

@mnnewbie111

Not judging honestly but I am genuinely surprised at how many wouldn't even consider forgiving when they were kids and people DO change. Or should I say they CAN change. I've not been in either situation so I'm not qualified to have an opinion but am just genuinely surprised that more wouldn't hear them out,
Well that is judging isn't it? You weren't bullied in school so don't have an opinion. At any age, it's humiliating to be beaten up or made fun of or abused mentally. As a child, it's even worse I'd say as you can't usually even try and defend yourself, and you don't understand why the bully is doing it. When you also get no support from peers, you feel abandoned and as if you deserved it, so you must be weak in some way. Many people feel like that for years after the bullying incident. Some parents didn't even believe their child or do anything, and if they did, sometimes the school did nothing. That happens even today.
SheeceRearsmith · 23/03/2022 08:33

Decline and block, OP. I too was bullied at school (nowhere near your experience - which sounds truly awful and I’m so sorry that happened to you) but I very recently found out that the girl who mercilessly bullied me for years is a deputy head and safeguarding lead at a very good school. Couldn’t make it up. She must have had some serious road to Damascus experience. I sometimes wonder what I would do if I ever bumped into her - confront her or treat her with indifference? In my mind I always go with indifference. I have an incredibly good life and have no need to lower myself. She knows what she is and what she did and I’m the lucky one who doesn’t have to live with that on my conscience. Enjoy your good life, OP.

superplumb · 23/03/2022 08:38

Same happened to me. Daily verbal bullying from loads of people. One sent a friends request. I just blocked him. Felt great. In hindsight I'd love to have told him to fuck off buy who knows maybe he would love the fact he still got that reaction. Block and love on. My friends at school were also shite when it happened. I think everyone was so worried it would happen to then too

PenguinPup · 23/03/2022 08:40

@Momijin

Accept her and let her see how far you've come in life and then post a few karma posts etc.

Rightly or wrongly , a guy I was seeing at uni went off with a friend (not a close friend but nevertheless it hurt). Rightly or wrongly, she struggled for many years to have kids and only managed to have one very late on. I had mine super easily and she looks a lot older than me. As petty as it sounds, serves her right.

I find this very offensive. I'm a person who "only managed to have one very late on". For your information, I don't consider my child "only" anything. He is the light of my life. I'll tell you why I had him late in life too - years of low self esteem after being bullied about my looks at work and school. So did I "deserve" what happened to me? What a lovely person you must be.
Hoppinggreen · 23/03/2022 08:41

I was bullied at Primary almost 40 years ago and it affects me still now.
I have had friend requests from some of these people and one even sent me an apology
I don’t care, I wouldn’t put them out if they were on fire. I don’t owe them anything and have no interest in them or showing them how great my life is now

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 23/03/2022 08:42

My bully, who was relentless and led me to self harm and want to commit suicide, set me a friend request. I accepted so I could have the closure of telling her what she had done to me. She made me into a different person, my children didn't get the mother they should because of the shit she put me through. She replied with 'I should have found god and learnt to forgive'. No apologies etc. piece of shit is no better than she was 30 years ago. I blocked and deleted.

Vimto1991 · 23/03/2022 08:43

Mine did this when I was about 16 so a long long time ago now, I was bullied by her when I was around 10-12, I accepted the invite to see how miserable her life was 😂 she’s not a friend on any social media now, and I wouldn’t accept a request as I am way past that stay at a ripe old age of 31 🙈 would still like to see how she ended up in life oddly, though.

WisherWood · 23/03/2022 08:43

One of the worst of the bullies I encountered at school sent me an FB friend request years ago. I went through many options in my head about how to deal with it. Then I just blocked her without doing any of it. That felt so, so good. Really wished there had been a block button thirty years ago and you could just wipe people out of your life like that. I mean she may have come back to gloat or to apologise, neither of which I wanted to deal with. I didn't need her good opinion when I was a child and I didn't need it as an adult. I just needed her to be far away from me, which she is.

OurChristmasMiracle · 23/03/2022 08:44

I’d be tempted to send a message saying “sorry do I know you?” So she can see how insignificant she was/is in your life!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 23/03/2022 08:48

@Scbchl

Shes probably trying to sell your some mlm shite!

My bully friend requested my husband and me. We were all in the same year at school. Neither of accepted it. She then changed her name so it was first name (maiden name) married surname, and re added my husband who declined her again. Mortifying for her.

What do you mean re-added? Friend requested again because I didn't think you can add someone unless they accept.

When I've had friend requests the options have been to accept or ignore. I've never seen a decline button. If you ignore do they know that? Do you have to block separately?

I've had a guy constantly unfriend and request me and this time I clicked ignore. Not sure he knows that!

Jobseeker19 · 23/03/2022 08:48

Do you know how many fake people from school have got in contact with me on social media?

They only do it to find out what I've done with my life then flounce off.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2022 08:48

I had this. I declined. Why would l be friends with someone who was evil to me for 2 years?