My bully has Facebook friend requested me

[planetme]

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

Is it possible she feels ashamed now about what she did back then and wants to apologise? People do change over the years. Let her friend you and see what she says, you can always unfriend her.

@Thursday37

I think either leave it unanswered for months (then eventually decline), or message without accepting saying “do I know you?” Blocking and deleting shows you remember who she is and that she still gets to you. I wouldn’t give them that satisfaction.

Ooh, the "do I know you?" Is brilliant and cutting! I love it.

The best thing to do is whatever dignifies your honest feelings about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.

If you feel hurt by what occurred in the past (quite reasonably) and do not think you would feel better even if she apologies, just block. This sends the clear message that you do not want to engage with her.

If you feel hurt by what occurred in the past and think you would feel better and be able to move on if she offers an apology, accept the request and see what she does. If no apology is forthcoming after a reasonable wait, unfriend and block.

You could force the issue by accepting and asking "Don't you remember what you did to me?" but think carefully about whether you will get any satisfaction or just end up feeling worse if an argument or denial is the result.

Accepting for the purpose of hoping she feels small when she sees that you have built a good life is undignified and you would only diminish yourself by doing this. Serious bullies typically come from abusive homes and are taking out their anger on someone they feel they can have power over, or they are born without empathy for others (psychopaths) and nothing will make them feel bad about what they've done.

Just decline it, she won't know if you do.

Interesting timing though, both my DD and I have a ''girl'' from DD's school blocked on FB, she caused DD all sorts of grief and broke up friendships, she would also put the 'hate'' face icon on any of my community comments. That was several years ago now, and apparently she was asking around last week if anyone had seen DD since school..

Leopards do not change their spots.

I'm not surprised by all these stories, mine was the mindgames / Queen Bee sort.

I'm really surprised by those who are so unforgiving of their friends.

As a pp said, all my friends were pretty flaky, so I wasn't surprised by the lack of support back then.

But if some of you had really long good friendships, wouldn't you now, as an adult, consider that they might've been too frightened to stick around? I'm not sure an 11 year old should be vilified for not waiting around if someone is being beaten up.

Anyway, yes, ignore them and enjoy doing so!

I bumped in to my bully's mom (knew her as lived in same road growing up). Exchanged pleasantries. She then asked if I would meet her and the bully for a coffee as she could do with a friend. I just said no thanks. She made my life hell. Think she was shocked as it was like 30 years ago but the mom knew about it at the time too and made excuses then. Also I had a boss that bullied not just me but other people back when you couldnt really go to HR. She started at a new place I worked years later. Tried to be all nice when saw her in lift with another boss. He asked me what was wrong after as knew it was not like me and I told him. You don't owe anything to your bully so do what gives your satisfaction.

Friend her then write a very public post to her detailing what she did. Then block her.

My bully is now a yoga teacher and therapist!

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You can message her without accepting the friend request. I would do that and say I won't accept your friend request as I still remember the beating you gave me. Then I'd block.

She’s discovered God, joined Al-Anon or you’re the most successful person she’s ever met and she wants to bask in your reflected glory. Either way, I wouldn’t be able to help myself… I’d send a message saying “What the fuck do you want?” (I was also bullied, btw.)

There was a girl like that at my school who would beat up girls minding their own business. Randomly and for no reason. She would also grab girls by the hair and kick and beat them on the ground. I wonder if it's the same one, or if you get violent girls like this everywhere?

Any way, just block and move on.

I'd accept, send a scathing message then block. I couldn't let this go. My bullies did too much damage, damage I still suffer from all these decades later.

I’d be tempted to accept briefly for a little snoop, then block her. Best advice though is to totally ignore, I guess. It’s funny how these people pop up.

Not judging honestly but I am genuinely surprised at how many wouldn't even consider forgiving when they were kids and people DO change. Or should I say they CAN change. I've not been in either situation so I'm not qualified to have an opinion but am just genuinely surprised that more wouldn't hear them out,

I was contacted on Friends Reunited (very early social media) by a girl who had absolutely tormented me at school. You could message without being linked. She said she was sorry and she didn’t know why she had been so nasty to me. I told her not to worry as I had no recollection of who she was. (Not true, but easier than accepting or rejecting her apology) Never thought of her again until now!

You were never friends, and she was a proper nasty piece of work. I would rather see this attempt to contact you as her interest to keep making fun about yourself than a wish to apologise. Has she sent a message? It should be hidden in messenger (search in google how to find it).

If no message just block and forget about it, there is a high risk she is just wanting to continue being nasty, leopards do not change their spots.

@Momijin

Accept her and let her see how far you've come in life and then post a few karma posts etc.

Rightly or wrongly , a guy I was seeing at uni went off with a friend (not a close friend but nevertheless it hurt). Rightly or wrongly, she struggled for many years to have kids and only managed to have one very late on. I had mine super easily and she looks a lot older than me. As petty as it sounds, serves her right.

Ummm... karma posts? And deserving infertility?

OP don't follow this advice.

It's possible she wants to apologise, but unlikely, and by accepting the request you'll inevitably be hoping for an apology thar probably won't materialise. I'm glad your life is happy now, but you should also be wary of setting stock in the hope that hers won't be.

I'd ignore and block, personally. No good is likely to come of knowing she's got a window on your life, or giving her any headspace. She's made the approach, you've rejected her, that alone gives a message. No response is a response, and a powerful one.

I had this with my school bully. At first I just declined the request but I then received another request a couple of days later, which I also declined. One the third request I messaged her asking why, after all the tormenting she wanted to 'friend' me given she clearly didn't like me. She was not apologetic and simply used the excuse that 'everyone got bullied'.

After providing a few examples of what I still remembered and how it had affected me some 12 years later I blocked her and haven't looked back.

OP I would either accept, let her see your successes then block and move on, or simply block and don't give it another thought.

Don't friend her just so she can get a chance to be jealous of you. If she's on Mumsnet, she'll take every post of your car or husband to be a sign that you're poor and on the verge of divorce. Or just that you care about impressing her, which would be true.

It's a much, much more powerful statement to say that you don't care what she thinks, and you're closing your door on her.

I was contacted on FB by my bully and friend requested
A long and rambling “apology” by actual just a litany of excuses

I responded with “thank you for your message”
And didn’t accept the request

No drama. No nastiness. The end.

I

I've had bullies friend request me...no idea why. Block.

She is just having a nosey at your expense. Have her friends from that time also started showing in your list of people you may know? She may be just having a laugh. Block and don’t give her any further chance to hurt you.

You don’t need to risk bringing back all the nasty memories in the off chance of getting an apology.

Leave this person in limbo, as they are so unimportant- do nothing - don’t block or accept, but leave their request unnoticed & untouched

If you accept or block those actions means that you have let them appear in your life, doing nothing is far louder way of telling them they are unimportant

I’d accept her and see if she apologises. Maybe that’s why she has requested you. If she doesn’t I’d send her a message. I’m sure she regrets it now.