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AIBU?

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Original poster

My bully has Facebook friend requested me

413 replies

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:19

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
thenovice · 24/03/2022 21:11

She probably wants to look like she has loads of friends or she is curious to find out about you. Completely ignoring her request is probably the best thing.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/03/2022 21:14

@hellobonsoir 13 or 14 is old enough to understand that bullying is wrong! In the UK a child from the age of 10 can be charged with a crime and be sentenced into a children's secure unit if said crime is serious enough because by that age the law says children can understand right from wrong. I used to work with kids aged from babies to 18 years old. You can teach kids as young as 4 and 5 how bullying hurts if you have the right method of explaining it to them on their level of understanding.

I've experienced bullying as a child and in the workplace, my workplace bully was full of excuses and dressed it up that they were doing their job properly when I did call them out and stood up for myself because no way was I gonna allow it like I did as a child and the bully was so offended when I called them a bully yet they were quick enough to play the "I'm being over sensitive" card on me. Both experiences were horrific there's no difference or comparison between them they both made me feel small, upset and dreaded going there. I've also supported friends and colleagues when its happened to them bullies follow a script and in my opinion bullies have narcissistic traits just like abusers do. Some Leopards don't change their spots!

NotTerfNorCis · 24/03/2022 21:22

I got a friend request from a girl who'd been psychologically abusive at school. Didn't decline it, and the request is there two years on. I don't have an inch of trust for her - she's destroyed any possible trust.

Kjpt140v · 24/03/2022 21:23

I think she maybe feeling guilty and wants closure to those feelings. It might help you with closure if you communicated with her. You are two very different people from the children you were. Give it a go.

hellobonsoir · 24/03/2022 21:24

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 - I said they wouldn't necessarily weigh up the impact of their actions. Some leopards do change their spots. You sound vengeful. I've been bullied myself and wouldn't seek revenge. I've let it go.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/03/2022 21:31

@hellobonsoir Thank you for proving my point about bullies making excuses for their actions.

Thelnebriati · 24/03/2022 21:38

If she wanted to own her behaviour and apologise she could just do that on your Facebook page.

hellobonsoir · 24/03/2022 21:41

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 - If you read my original post you will see that is not what I am implying at all. I was trying to show that people can change.

I was bullied at school for a while and I don't think those girls really understood how much it dented my confidence. If an adult had spoken to them about it perhaps they would have.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 21:48

teaandtoastwithmarmite
I saw a lad who picked on me at college in a bar once. He tried to apologise and tbh he looked rough and had loads of kids who had obviously stressed him out. I looked good. I just said to him well you really upset me but let's see who's doing better now and he was really grovelling. Bullies are just very weak people. He used to call me ugly etc and thought he was god's gift

Your story made me cringe. It sounds so farfetched. He actually grovelled. Hmm

bedtimesoon · 24/03/2022 21:58

I was bullied at work. I used to hate going in and thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just couldn't win so I left.

I have a much better job now. I see the bully from time to time and I now feel sorry for her. She's a narrow minded lonely person.

llizzie · 24/03/2022 21:59

I think it is best to block her and leave it. I am interested in your post because last week a similar thing happened to me, although I am a lot older than you. Someone who did the same to me over 40 years ago, and who I have not heard from since, responded to something I had posted on Facebook and said something rather nasty. I blocked them, but something similar also happened to my son at the same time by the same person.

It is a very unsettling thing to do. Do not challenge her, but ask someone else to help you, because it is possible that she will repeat it, and you should have someone on hand to help you through it. Many people do not know how cold the blood runs when something like this happens. It is like a icy wind on the back of the neck, and you should not have to bear it alone if there is someone you can confide in.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 22:00

Theblacksheepandme
There are quite a lot of people on this that clearly need counselling. I was bullied and really don't care about my bullies seeing how well I have done etc. It also doesn't say much for the people that are gloating at their bullies. Having nasty thoughts towards your bullies really won't help you. I wouldn't care if my bullies have done well or not done well. If some of you are thinking like this, I really think counselling could help you. Some of the thoughts you are all having are quite unhealthy.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

@KatherineJaneway
Can you explain what things I have said that are contradictory?

CousinDelores · 24/03/2022 22:07

I went to school during the time Facebook and social media began taking off.
A girl a year older than me used to take great delight in documenting her victims torment on Facebook, making awful statuses, spreading rumours and sometimes uploading photos of them.

She sent me a friend invite when she was in her late teens/early 20s and on Facebook I could see she was working as a carer for vulnerable adults.

Seems it didn't occur to her to delete the evidence of her appalling character.
I sent screenshots to the company she worked for.
She lost her job.

LoisLane66 · 24/03/2022 22:16

Invite her to lunch at a venue where you're known and tell her you'll pick her up in your car.

MibsXX · 24/03/2022 22:20

Facebook also makes friend suggestions based on same other friends or schools, workplaces, it might just be the program did it not her?

Bambooshampoo · 24/03/2022 22:24

Accept her, put her on limited profile and share things so that only she can see - like that Sarah Millican “my school bully emailed me” clip and other bullying stuff.
Let the penny drop and the guilt eat her up.

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 22:30

KatherineJaneway
Totally agree. Just because one person is now OK, doesn't mean we all should be.

@KatherineJaneway
This is what you replied. Where in any of my posts did I state I was now ok?

Whereverilaymycat · 24/03/2022 22:38

I’d just block her. You can acknowledge she might have changed, or had a bad home life and still put yourself first and not allow someone into your life that treated you so badly. Realistically she will always be the girl that gave you one of the worst experiences of your life, apology or not. You don’t need that heartache back in your life.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/03/2022 22:48

@hellobonsoir Your original post had excuses thats why I disagreed with it and you continue to make excuses for bullies actions.

Age and being a kid doesn't give bullies a free pass for their vindictive behaviour. I don't care how hard their home lives are bullying someone else because your life is currently shit isn't ok nor is it acceptable. I spent years living in a domestic violence situation where I was sometimes bearing the brunt of that. I lived in fear at home and walked around on egg shells then I had to go to school and put up with bullies humiliating and tormenting me for their own twisted pleasure. I had no escape and no respite from it. Despite witnessing violence and abuse on a daily basis I didn't make someone else's life a misery and bully them because my home life was so bad at the time. Whilst I don't wish any harm on my bullies I'd blatantly ignore them if I saw them again I have nothing to say nor am I interested in their lives. Those bullies who do apologise only do it so they can feel better about themselves and thats selfish with no thought for how their victim feels about them dragging up what could be painful memories for them.

llizzie · 24/03/2022 22:56

Someone suggested you accept her as friend then ignore her, but it isn't that simple, because a bully will respond to every post you make and as a friend everything is open to her.

It will be the same in public posts like mine. She will have access to all your photos. As it is if you turn her down, she will have to resort to messages, and you can report those. Facebook are very sympathetic to victims.

hellobonsiour · 24/03/2022 23:02

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 - I haven't been making excuses for bullying behaviour. I was trying to point out different sides of the story.

You have taken the stance that most bullies don't change and have fixed views. I have more faith in people.

No need to reply. Cheers

E17Stowmum · 24/03/2022 23:23

If there's one thing a woman cannot stand, it's being ignored

Integrity7 · 24/03/2022 23:25

I had bullies apologise, friend me and continue to bully others / me. Don't let her in.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 24/03/2022 23:32

My daughter was bullied by a boy and girl at school ( separate stupid reasons : girl not invited to her 14 th birthday party, boy in a football team her dad ran and was strict with him ).
She suffered in silence and never told us, we found out after about a year.
She’s now 44 btw.
Interesting fact is now she’s really good friends with both of them, they both had issues that we didn’t know about.
But in this instance I think it’s easier just to decline, and get on with your life all these years later.

31flavours · 25/03/2022 00:10

Don’t give her any more thought and don’t accept the request. I’m a believer in other peoples bad energy having an impact on your own life.

A former friend of mine turned on and and got a gang of his friends to assault me in broad daylight. The bullying got so bad that I left my school in the middle of my A levels.

This former friend of mine tried to reach out. Thing is I know enough about him that I know he hasn’t changed. I know he’s a wrongun and I don’t want anything to do with him. He’s been asking questions about me since we randomly saw each other at a wedding and you could tell the angle from the questions he was jealous of my relative success. These people don’t change. Don’t invite them in your life.