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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bully has Facebook friend requested me

413 replies

planetme · 22/03/2022 22:19

At school, there was a girl in the year above with a reputation for being really "hard". She didn't even know me but when I was about 13 she beat me up in front of loads of people walking home from school. I just remember her pulling me about by my hair and just slapping and punching me over and over again including in my face while all her mates were laughing and encouraging it

I think The worst part was I was with my so called friends, they walked away really fast and let it happen. I think they were scared they'd end up getting hit as well

I never told my parents or school, i wish I had as if it happened to any of my ex (god forbid) I would go to the police. I was too ashamed, I blamed myself

I don't understand why she'd try to friend request me but part of me actually wants to accept her. So I can send a message asking if she remembers what she did to me. Or let her find out from my page that I now have a lovely family, own a very successful, profitable business, drive a Porsche and have a damn good life

Both are pointless so I'll do neither, I am best to just block her

I guess seeing her name pop up has bought it back a bit and I just wanted to get it down.

OP posts:
LadyMil · 24/03/2022 19:36

Sarah Millican said in her first dvd that she was the loud one in school but went on to say 2 dvds later that she was bullied for being quiet and shy 🤷‍♀️

You have a few choices:

Delete the request

Leave it unanswered but message and say sorry but I don’t know who you are

Block

Message and tell her to eff off.

Personally, I’d feel like messaging and saying that I don’t know who she is but in reality I’d just remove the request.

Look at it this way, you’ve moved on with your life but she’s the one looking up people from high school, whether she knows she bullied them or not, she’s still the one looking them up.

How many have you looked up? If you’re like me, none 😁

LovelyIssues · 24/03/2022 19:38

Op that is awful, I am so sorry that happened to you. I would accept and message and ask her why she has added you and if she remembers what she did to you. I would hope she does and wants to offer a sincere apology. Sad

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 24/03/2022 19:43

Op I would block her and leave the past in the past, sometimes people change and sometimes they don't....imagine if she is still the same cruel person but you have to deal with her harrassing you on Facebook as an adult ...just don't put yourself in that position, block her and forget her,

KatherineJaneway · 24/03/2022 19:48

@Theblacksheepandme

KatherineJaneway

You don’t get to tell people how to respond to their own traumas. How rude hmm bullying is very damaging and sometimes that damage is incredibly difficult to fix.

Whenever there is a thread about bullying on MN there are various dissenting voices telling people to basically get over it.

Totally agree. Just because one person is now OK, doesn't mean we all should be.

@KatherineJaneway Did you actually read my response to this?

I did but it totally went against what you originally said.
Lurking9to5 · 24/03/2022 19:49

Deny her the opportunity to create a narrative where you did something so tettible that you dont deserve to be repaid.
Id say really calmly "i would like to be repaid, but i dont believe you will repay me".

She will either want to prove you wrong or she will just accept yr low opinion of her.

If you allow her to get control of the narrative, where you upset her with your outrageous insensitivity to her and so dont deserve to be repaid after what you did.

So keep a grey rock voice and say lifelessly, i dont think you have any plan to repay me but i'd like to be proved wrong

Theblacksheepandme · 24/03/2022 19:52

OliveLover01
My university bullies did this. They didn’t beat me up but they made my life hell and even when I left to go travelling they used to send me emails which reduced me to tears and anxiety attacks. A few years later, when Facebook first started, they friend requested me. I just ignored. A good decision. I had friends who knew them and they were all still clic-y and hadnt changed. I think they just wanted to nose.

This has likely brought up lots of old feelings. Whether you block her or ignore the request or even accept it, those feelings need to be acknowledged and worked through. What she wants isn’t relevant and how she feels at your successes won’t be tangible to you because she isn’t going to tell you she is envious or impressed. So I would suggest you focus on working through those feelings that have come up. Once you do, you’ll surprise yourself at how little it matters to you whether she requested your Facebook friendship or is sorry or jealous… take care of yourself. She doesn’t deserve anything from you.Xxxx*

Really well said. I wish I was as eloquent as you at putting things. Really kind words as well.

NannaKaren · 24/03/2022 19:56

What a nasty little butch she was and might still be - well done you for doing well - block her xxx

NannaKaren · 24/03/2022 19:56

Ooops too keen (!) Bitch even !

Foolsrule · 24/03/2022 19:57

I also do find it hard to believe that bullies can change. I think once a bully always a bully. Most of the time I see their kids end up like them too.

@Theblacksheepandme - 100% agree. They never change.

hellobonsoir · 24/03/2022 20:00

Of course people can change. Are you still the same person you were when you were a kid?

Tabitha005 · 24/03/2022 20:14

@gamerchick

Just block her, it'll say more than words will. She's probably being nosy and you don't have to go there. Or leave the friend request hanging and just ignore it. I've got 6 people stuck in pending atm. They have no significance.
This is what I do if I don't want to accept friend requests, and definitely what I'd do if someone who'd bullied me tried to friend request me.
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 24/03/2022 20:17

@LYSHB

My first thought was MLM too
That's or she's temporarily exhausted her current narcissistic supply and is looking to blow the embers on some from a long time back until she locates fresh meat.
JedEye · 24/03/2022 20:21

I would definitely not accept her friendship. Of course she remembers beating you up. You don’t need to prove anything to her.
Delete and forget.

Rosey63 · 24/03/2022 20:23

I wouldn’t acknowledge the request at all. You are now a successful woman with a good life and sharing that with her, even in spite, won’t really make you happier. Engaging with her won’t benefit you and ultimately it won’t take away the effect of what she did to you. )There are so many other ways she could have apologised if that’s what she wanted to do.) Rise above it gracefully and leave it. Your reaction will speak more clearly than any words.

hellokittymitty · 24/03/2022 20:31

What's MLM?

My school bullies have probably changed and are nice people now. Girls can be horrid when they are teenagers.

They didn't want to be friends with me back in the day and I don't want to be friends with them on Facebook. I've ignored several Facebook requests.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 24/03/2022 20:35

What's MLM?

Pyramid schemes. Multi level Marketing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4500365-MLM-Bot-Watch-70

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 24/03/2022 20:39

@hellobonsoir

I was bullied at school and by a parent - mental and physical abuse. I'm ashamed to say that at a young age I became a bully and didn't have the strength of character or maturity to cope and to rise above the things that were going on in my life.

I'm not excusing bullying but bullies can change as I have done. I think bullying in the workplace as an adult is very different from bullying as a very young person.

@hellobonsoir In my experience bullies rarely change they develop a taste for it because they enjoy the power it gives them.

There isn't really a difference between bullying as a kid and bullying as an adult because once kids reach a certain age they're old enough to understand how hurtful and damaging bullying is on the victim. My home life wasn't a picnic either but I didn't go around bullying other kids and making their lives a misery to the point they dreaded and feared going to school. Bullies don't deserve forgiveness they deserve a taste of their vindictive and nasty own medicine!

Tuskanini · 24/03/2022 20:41

You drive a Porsche? What on Earth for?

COPPER3 · 24/03/2022 20:44

I honestly feel you need to tell 'The Bully' just what she did to you and how it made you feel. She needs to know that she was cruel and nasty. Then you can block her. You have done so well with your life, well done darling xx

hellobonsoir · 24/03/2022 20:47

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 - you must have a limited experience then. I think someone who is 13 or14 is not necessarily weighing up the impact of what they do as an adult would.

User112 · 24/03/2022 20:50

Drive a Porsche! Lol 😂 How shallow!

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 24/03/2022 20:53

I saw a lad who picked on me at college in a bar once. He tried to apologise and tbh he looked rough and had loads of kids who had obviously stressed him out. I looked good. I just said to him well you really upset me but let's see who's doing better now and he was really grovelling. Bullies are just very weak people. He used to call me ugly etc and thought he was god's gift

Inwiththenew · 24/03/2022 20:56

If she was doing it to apologise she could just message you doesn’t have to do a friend request. Tell her to fuck right off.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/03/2022 21:08

@COPPER3

I honestly feel you need to tell 'The Bully' just what she did to you and how it made you feel. She needs to know that she was cruel and nasty. Then you can block her. You have done so well with your life, well done darling xx
I don't. The bully can probably see that from Facebook. I wouldn't want to give anything of myself away to people like that. The most I'd do would be reply saying I don't know who you are then delete and block them.
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/03/2022 21:09

@User112

Drive a Porsche! Lol 😂 How shallow!
How ironic that you're saying this on a thread about bullying.