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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
Calennig · 22/03/2022 17:31

I think this is a weird amount of emotion to put on a prom dress

I think this but DC secondary hasn't even decided if it will do a prom this year.

But if it's this important to you and it was understood this was a 'thing' then yes I agree step-mum has over stepped.

I'd check with DD and see if she still wants to go shopping for a dress and if she does - just go and get something else.

I don't think having couple of facier dresses in the wardobe at this age is a bad thing - certainly A-levels then Uni proms/balls then weddings in 20s probably time I most needed dressier dresses and time I could least afford them.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/03/2022 17:31

Not suggesting you do this for a moment, but.... If you took a pair of scissors to the dress, chopped it up, and then posted on the step-parenting board here - you would get pretty unanimous understanding from the stepmums there!

It is at best utterly thoughtless of the SM. You might have been overanticipating the occasion, but what she did was really crappy.

Embracelife · 22/03/2022 17:31

Don't they do a daytime school assembly /awards first needing another dress?
Then they all change for prom

DragonMamma · 22/03/2022 17:33

Bloody hell. How over dramatic is this?!

I thought you were in about her wedding dress, not her prom dress.

It’s a shitty thing for her stepmother to do but you need to keep it in perspective OP.

‘Mum’s honour’ really did make me Grin

AnnesBrokenSlate · 22/03/2022 17:33

@Mrsbunton

Blimey if you’re like this over prom which is Americanised ridiculousness, imagine what you will be like when she gets married. I think you’re taking it all a little bit too far and you need to relax.
I assumed OP was American. If she's this upset about a UK leaving night rebranded as 'prom' then she's being even more UR.

OP if it bothers you and DD doesn't like the dress then buy another one.

I think you need to consider that your DD was finding all your flowery hyperbole a bit much and wanted to get something quickly with her step-mum instead. However if your DD was an invested in all the drama as you, then just go ahead. Like a PP, I'm surprised that someone so dramatic about it all would leave it until Easter.

JennyHogon · 22/03/2022 17:34

"The jewel in the crown"? Blimey.

YABU in all kinds of ways.

LampBookPicture · 22/03/2022 17:34

Oh my god your POOR daughter. It sounds like both sides are putting far too much pressure on her. Step mum sounds dreadful but you are making this ALL about you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/03/2022 17:34

If she doesn’t like the dress then carry on with your plans, go shopping and buy her something she adores and will feel great in🤷‍♀️

And yes, the SM overstepped and I’d be upset too-& would do the above, regardless of any fallout.

DragonMamma · 22/03/2022 17:36

‘The first glimpse’ was especially funny the second time I read the OP.

The more I read it, the more I think the OP is pulling our leg. Nobody can be this dramatic over what is the old style leavers ball 😂

momtoboys · 22/03/2022 17:37

@Mrsbunton

Blimey if you’re like this over prom which is Americanised ridiculousness, imagine what you will be like when she gets married. I think you’re taking it all a little bit too far and you need to relax.
This is spot on. I don't have daughters but from hearing from friends that do the prom dress shopping dream that you have in your head most often do not materialize. Mostly mum and daughter end up in a row and tears are involved.
ThinWomansBrain · 22/03/2022 17:37

Just donate the money you would have wasted spent on the prom madness to the DEC appeal for Ukraine.
Be thankful that prom dress shopping is derailed by SM & not a Russian tank, ariel bombardment or worse.

Mommabear20 · 22/03/2022 17:37

My mum didn't even get to come when I bought my wedding dress!

Anonymous48 · 22/03/2022 17:38

I am in the US. My daughter decided not to go to her prom (which ended up being canceled because it was in 2020 anyway). Should I be upset with her at taking away my honor?

babywalker56 · 22/03/2022 17:39

Reading your OP you'd think you were talking about something life changing like a quincenañera or something. Even a wedding!
As a pp said it's a school prom. A step up from a school disco.

Surely your DD could have told her step mum she'd like to do prom shopping with her mum instead of her? It really isn't the end of the world as I'm sure she'll have many many other times that you can celebrate and prepare for just the two of you

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 22/03/2022 17:39

Wow this is over the top drama.

Just tell your daughter that even if she already has a dress, you'd still like to take her out and do all the ritual stuff if she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to.

As an aside - what does this mean:

Incidentally, if you were leaving it until Easter then you were probably too late

?? Are we expected to buy a bespoke dress for a party for 16 year olds?!

Scbchl · 22/03/2022 17:39

@ThinWomansBrain its pretty tiring all the posts about Ukraine any time someone posts an issue. Everyone knows there's a war going on, no one needs YOU to tell them when they should donate or that they should be thankful they aren't there. Honestly.

LottyD32 · 22/03/2022 17:39

@SADMA

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

Are you American? I think you are putting too much stock in 'prom'.

I'd just take her shopping, do what you planned and send the dress that's been bought back to sm. It doesn't fit so you have a real reason.

I'd also put a note with it telling her to go fuck herself.

SevenWaystoLeave · 22/03/2022 17:39

Idk why OP, but your writing style reminds me of Nancy Mitford when she's being tongue-in-cheek.

LBFseBrom · 22/03/2022 17:40

@BobHadBitchTits

Does step mum need to know if you buy her a new dress she wears instead?

Send her dad a photo of her wearing the original dress, then change into the new one.

No one needs to know.

You get the moral high ground and the memories. No one falls out.

I thought the same! I don't know if that is naughty or not but it is an idea.

However I'd like to know what the op's daughter feels about all this fuss. It strikes me she is piggy in the middle, may be trying to please everyone.

I accept that proms are a thing now but this thread has been an eye opener; I had no idea that kids had more than one prom! I thought it was only for those leaving school altogether, not at 11, not at 13. Goodness me. As for tan, nails and glitter.....

Anyway, none of that is my business and no doubt if I had a child who wanted all that, I'd go along with it.

babywalker56 · 22/03/2022 17:40

I wonder how you would have felt if your daughter was in my year in school when they cancelled our prom because our year group was so bad🤣 you would have been distraught!

Chikapu · 22/03/2022 17:41

Mum's honour, good golly gosh!!

JeepSleeHack · 22/03/2022 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lime37 · 22/03/2022 17:41

Just go again find a dress she likes and buy it. It seems like a none issue

50DaysAF · 22/03/2022 17:42

Why on earth didn’t your daughter speak up?!

“Sorry SM, I’ve already arranged to go dress shopping with DM over Easter”.

Fairislefandango · 22/03/2022 17:43

Dear lord. It's a dress. For a school party. Being a bit disappointed, maybe. This level of drama and devastation is ridiculous.