Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

[SADMA]

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

[LaLaLouella]

You are being very dramatic and emotional about this but it's obviously important to you.

Have a chat with your DD, ask if she feels the dress is 'the one' and if it isnt then go and have your day shopping with her and buy her a new dress. SM can return the other one. If she likes the dress then go shopping and make a big deal about getting her the perfect shoes/bag/necklace. Have afternoon tea and loads of fun.

Then have a chat with your your ex DH and tell him his wife needs to back the fuck off.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@GrumpyPanda

You both sound completely OTT. And what's with the artificial tan for a minor?

She is 16, she hardly a three year old pageant queen!

[starskey80]

God, all the people saying that you are over reacting are being dicks.

Just because it meant fuck all the them, or their daughter got her dress online, doesnt mean that it doesnt mean something to the OP.
Can people not get that not everyone is the fucking same !?!

OP you say the step-mum is a tyrant, well she may be like this for every big occasion in your daughter's life.
Don't let her railroad you both now, end it today or you'll have years of misery.

Take your daughter out and have the special day, if she finds something she likes more than get it.
Then just text step-mum, nice and light, of by the way Daughter got a dress she likes more, we will drop off other dress or return it ourselves, whatever suits. Buyeeeeee

[L0bstersLass]

@SADMA

It is an honour - when I think about how she's weathered the storm of the pandemic and how hard she's worked to keep on top of her school work and be meeting all her target grades, the whole experience is to reward her for all the dedication she's had throughout, almost a transition from the tougher times to new beginnings. I am so proud of my daughter, beyond words. The other side pressure her to get all 9's and tell her she's a disappointment.
My daughter isn't happy with it - but on the other side, she can cope with it IF we don't go and do what we always had planned and she finds something better rather than being pushed towards a dress she's not overly keen on but will do.....

Is it the reward that she wanted?
You speak of the other side pressuring her with her grades, you seem to be pressuring her to go along with your dream day out.
This seems to be all about you and not at all about her and what she wants.
Knowing how invested you are in this, does she have a route out to say that your dream is not what she wants?

[CremeEggThief]

Well, Mum's honour sounds very OTT, but there's no way I would stand for that as a parent!
Take the dress back and go and get the one your DD wants.

[Luckyme2]

And yes if she’s not overly keen on the dress take her for the day out you’d planned and let her pick one she DOES like. Nothing has been spoilt!

[Rogue1001MNer]

I understand you're upset, and understand why.
But like others, I think you're being over invested.
She'll do A'levels? There'll be another prom.

And, gently, it's about her not you. Sorry

[sofakingcool]

@starskey80

God, all the people saying that you are over reacting are being dicks.

Just because it meant fuck all the them, or their daughter got her dress online, doesnt mean that it doesnt mean something to the OP.
Can people not get that not everyone is the fucking same !?!

OP you say the step-mum is a tyrant, well she may be like this for every big occasion in your daughter's life.
Don't let her railroad you both now, end it today or you'll have years of misery.

Take your daughter out and have the special day, if she finds something she likes more than get it.
Then just text step-mum, nice and light, of by the way Daughter got a dress she likes more, we will drop off other dress or return it ourselves, whatever suits. Buyeeeeee

Exactly, drives me nuts when people decide that something should/shouldn't be important to someone else based on their own experiences

I have a work colleague who's a prime example, she's got the eldest children out of the team, and now sees herself as the one that everyone should gage themselves on - so if she didn't do it, no one should want to do it. Weird. We all avoid family chat now on lunch breaks as it's just repetitive

[myBumJuiceSmellsLikeRoses]

It's just an over-rated school disco. This is not the end of the world.

[toomuchlaundry]

What does your DD want? Have you got her wedding planned too? You do seem over the top. Was she as into it as you? If she wants another dress go shopping together

[IVFdreams2021]

I'm a step mum and I do think that is overstepping. I'm sorry OP.

[PolytheneRam]

Rite of passage? Magical day? I think I must live on a different planet.

For what it's worth I have a daughter a year older than yours.

[Newnamefor2022]

It's great that you are proud of your daughter but this is the purchase of a frock for a school party, not the dedication of her first born. You are being far too dramatic and (in my opinion) YABU. Buy another dress if you both wish but stop building this event into something put on such a pedestal that the reality can only disappoint your daughter.

[SevenWaystoLeave]

OP, what has your DD said about this? Was she upset? Did she like/not like the dress bought? Was she looking forward to dress shopping as much as you were? Her perspective is strangely missing from this story, despite it being her dress and her day.

[HaggisBurger]

You seem a little … overinvested & overwrought ! To put it mildly. It’s not her wedding dress.

[DuckyNoMates]

You're being very dramatic. But yes she's overstepped a bit but at 16 your daughter should be able to say no, I want to go with mum if that's what she wants. She's learnt a valuable lesson.

[Ourlady]

I think it’s an awful thing the stepmum has done and can totally understand why you’re disappointed. Does she often step on your toes?

[Chloemol]

It’s very simple

You contact the stepmother and say you are disappointed she went ahead and did this without including you, her mother

That you are going to take your daughter shopping for a dress as that was the plan all along and you will leave her to take the dress she bought back. Please could she remember in future that xxx has a mother, she doesn’t need another one

[gogohm]

I've ordered all of my DD's' dresses online, don't make it into a bigger deal than it really is, the fact her stepmum is interested in her is a good thing is it not? Oh and there will be more dresses required, a levels prom, university balls, graduation ball ...

I was so fed up with buying for them and not for for me I've booked a cruise with formal nights and ordered a ridiculous (for a middle aged woman) dress!

[DuckyNoMates]

@SADMA

It is an honour - when I think about how she's weathered the storm of the pandemic and how hard she's worked to keep on top of her school work and be meeting all her target grades, the whole experience is to reward her for all the dedication she's had throughout, almost a transition from the tougher times to new beginnings. I am so proud of my daughter, beyond words. The other side pressure her to get all 9's and tell her she's a disappointment.
My daughter isn't happy with it - but on the other side, she can cope with it IF we don't go and do what we always had planned and she finds something better rather than being pushed towards a dress she's not overly keen on but will do.....

Please don't make it into too big a thing. If she has an awful time it will only make it worse.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Well you're being terribly over dramatic imo.

Surely the pertinent point is SM has brought DD a badly fitting dress for the prom. You cannot send DD to prom in something that doesn't fit. Take her dress shopping, don't let dress go to Dad's, make sure she's at yours prom night.

Sorted.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

If it’s shit, go and get her another one that she likes. Mine got one off ASOS. It went “mum, Do you like this?” Yes I do Dd.

[HaggisBurger]

@PinkGinBigGrin

Your OP is a bit...erm...dramatic shall we say. Are you in America by any chance?

However, I agree that the stepmum is a cheeky fucker.

BUT, at 16 years of age your dd should be old enough and mature enough to politely tell her SM that prom shopping is something she would like to do with you or bypass the magical moment and just go shopping with her mates.

Maybe she didn't want a big emotional "say yes to the dress" type moment.

Do you have form for being a bit of a drama queen OP?

But yes, the SM is out of order IMO.

I don’t think she’s in America. Reference to all 9s is the good old GCSE 😀

[SevenWaystoLeave]

@Chloemol

It’s very simple

You contact the stepmother and say you are disappointed she went ahead and did this without including you, her mother

That you are going to take your daughter shopping for a dress as that was the plan all along and you will leave her to take the dress she bought back. Please could she remember in future that xxx has a mother, she doesn’t need another one

Shouldn't it be up to DD if this dress gets taken back or not? We haven't yet heard if she likes it. And surely her opinion is the one that matters.