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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

341 replies

SADMA · 22/03/2022 16:18

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

OP posts:
KittensTeaAndCake · 22/03/2022 16:58

'Devastated'? 'Mum's honour'? 😂🤣😂.

My DD went shopping with her mates for hers, I just paid for it. It's a bloody dress, get a grip.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 22/03/2022 16:58

I think you're being overly dramatic!! Enjoy the prep and waving her off on the day of the event.

CailleachGranda · 22/03/2022 16:59

Jesus Christ, I've read it all now

So much hand wringing over a dress for the end of term party

myceliumama · 22/03/2022 16:59

Bloody hell, you sound SO over invested in this. Magical experience ? Emotional Rite of passage?

It's a step up from a school disco. You really need to step back and try to avoid living through your kids life experiences. Was it a bit rude that the step mum/dad didn't ask? Yeah. But your daughter doesn't have to accept their offer if she doesn't want to? And it doesn't matter if it's a sales dress either. It's a kids disco 🤷🏼‍♀️😬

Blogblogblogblog · 22/03/2022 16:59

After your update - go and do the dress shopping you want with her. Tell her the first dress takes all the pressure off so she doesn’t have to go with anything for the sake of it as she has a reserve. Hope you have a really fun day.

Quartz2208 · 22/03/2022 17:00

Just do it OP if that is what you want

How is custody split and who will have her the night of the prom

Tickledtrout · 22/03/2022 17:01

@Rainraingoaway21

It's irrelevant that some posters think that prom is all 'American ridiculousness' , they have gotten more of a thing over here whether you like it or not, teenagers have had a rubbish few years and I think it's great they have something special to look forward to.

My dd's grandma even wanted to come with us to see her try the dresses on, I too would have been really upset if someone else had stepped in and taken away that experience. It was lovely. I do find it a little odd OP that your dd didn't say to her SM thanks anyway but I have plans to go with my mum, is she worried about speaking up to her? If so that's a separate issue in itself.

Easter is not too late to shop for dresses at all. That's exactly when we went, we had no problem finding one. I woukd ask your dd what she wants to do, if she'd still like to go with you then tell her that's fine, you will deal with SM. Where is her dad in all this? Maybe he needs to have a word with SM for dd's sake.

Hopefully you still get to go shopping OP

This. Thanks, but no thanks stepmum. Enjoy your dress shopping
babywalker56 · 22/03/2022 17:04

@BruceAndNosh

Blimey. Goodness knows how you'll feel about wedding dress shopping
Honestly!
CaptainMyCaptain · 22/03/2022 17:04

@Mrsbunton

Blimey if you’re like this over prom which is Americanised ridiculousness, imagine what you will be like when she gets married. I think you’re taking it all a little bit too far and you need to relax.
I couldn't agree more. When did all this Prom nonsense start anyway? My daughter left school in 1998 and they just had a 6th Form disco.
Friedaseyebrow · 22/03/2022 17:06

I can see you are really upset by this but honestly, you've dodged a bullet! The best bit about prom dress shopping with my daughter was finding a new ramen bar for lunch. My older DD ordered hers online. It's really not a big deal, which is maybe why your DD went shopping with her step mum rather than you? My kids would kill me if I got all gushy about them in a dress!

SeasonFinale · 22/03/2022 17:09

My gut feeling here is you are making prom into a massive deal and your dd wants ot more low key hence she went and chose something in an hour with her step mum who isn't making such a fuss. Also it sounds very much from your "other side" comment that you are the one that wants to compete with your ex and his wife rather than your DD who sees them as part of her family.

Sorry you have missed out on an experience you were hoping for. However it does seem like the experience you had planned was not one your DD had planned too. As another pp said I would rein back any wedding ideas when and if you get to that stage.

BTW a dress is a dress whether it is 2019 or 2022. If it is thebone she likes it is the one she likes.

ManateeFair · 22/03/2022 17:09

A prom is a teenage party, that’s all. It’s not a rites of passage. You’re making it sound like it’s her wedding and I think you’re very over-invested in the prom as an event.

What you haven’t said in your post is how your daughter feels about this. Does she like the dress? Did she actually want what you wanted, or was she trying to keep you happy by going along with it? If her stepmum is ‘a tyrant’ with her, why is she happy for her to book tans and nails and take her dress shopping? Why can’t a 16-year-old just say “Oh, that’s really nice of you to offer, DSM, but I’ve got already got something arranged with Mum”? Did the stepmum even know what you were planning if DD didn’t tell her? Who cares what season the dress is from?

Does your daughter live with you? Can’t you take her out for a special day of bonding anyway? Go for afternoon tea and spa day together as a treat or something instead?

If your daughter hates the dress she’s got, take her out and get her another one and she can wear the first one somewhere else. If her stepmum kicks off, and your DD’s relationship with her is as bad as you suggest when you say she is ‘a tyrant’ then I doubt DD will care about upsetting her.

blueshoes · 22/03/2022 17:11

This. I have a couple of friends with daughters going to proms this summer, and both of them chose and bought their dresses in January and February.

Erm dd just ordered her gown for her Leavers Ball online. I thought we were ahead of the game .. she was going to leave it until after her A levels. Grin

Tillymintpolo · 22/03/2022 17:11

Is this about your daughter or you ?

SevenWaystoLeave · 22/03/2022 17:11

Did step-mum know how important this was to you? Had you actually said? How does DD feel about it, since it is her day after all?

Sounds like you were massively invested in this which is not a bad thing in itself, but other people may not be aware of or share your level of investment.

Octomore · 22/03/2022 17:12

Given that your daughter went along with her step-mum, I'm guessing that this is what you wanted, not necessarily what she wanted.

You need to give your head a wobble.

gannett · 22/03/2022 17:14

@EishetChayil

Did your daughter know how much it meant to you?
I suspect she did and that's why she went with her stepmum. I feel overwhelmed by OP's level of investment and dramatic emotions and I don't even know her.
cloudyrain · 22/03/2022 17:15

I think I understand especially if this is the only time you will have had this experience, all I remember from when my 2 did Y11 and Y13 prom was the need to make sure nobody else had the same one.

However for me it was not such a big occasion they had been bridesmaids and wedding guests prior to this so we had done quite a bit of posh dress shopping by the time we got to Y11 prom and for Y13 prom they went with friends.

ShirleyBadass · 22/03/2022 17:16

Oh for goodness sake, OP you are not being unreasonable and I totally get why you're gutted.

Prom, for a lot of girls now, is becoming a big thing and dress shopping is special for them. If your DD is anything like mine she may have not wanted to upset step mother so has gone along with it to keep the peace.

You are totally within your rights to feel shit about it, I would too.

I would still go dress shopping with your DD - you may find a nicer dress, but if you don't then you've still enjoyed a lovely day out together and the experience is worth more than the dress.

Luckyme2 · 22/03/2022 17:16

Is this a thing now? My DD had hers last year and just ordered one over the internet. She looked lovely and had a really good night out. It was her night out. Nothing to do with me! I guess you’re not being unreasonable if you’ve built it up in your head but maybe your daughter hadn’t built it up in HER head and so saw no issue going with her step mum. Sorry you feel so disappointed though

Scbchl · 22/03/2022 17:17

Yabu and overly dramatic about prom yes. Iv done it with my 17 year old last year and honestly I feel its all completely over the top and a waste of money.

Yanbu that her step mum doing it was a dickish move. Why did your daughter not say no thanks iv got a day booked with my mum to try them on?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/03/2022 17:17

Why would there be WW3?

Is step mum normally a bitch to do this?

Personally I would take her shopping and then inform your ex that as the dress SM bought doesnt fit you will be returning it to him so they can get a refund and DD has a new dress. Dont allow her to get dragged into it, take it on yourself as your mother.

If SM is the type to take it out on DD then step up and protect her!

GrumpyPanda · 22/03/2022 17:17

You both sound completely OTT. And what's with the artificial tan for a minor?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/03/2022 17:18

sorry...take it on yourself as HER mother.

PinkGinBigGrin · 22/03/2022 17:18

Your OP is a bit...erm...dramatic shall we say. Are you in America by any chance?

However, I agree that the stepmum is a cheeky fucker.

BUT, at 16 years of age your dd should be old enough and mature enough to politely tell her SM that prom shopping is something she would like to do with you or bypass the magical moment and just go shopping with her mates.

Maybe she didn't want a big emotional "say yes to the dress" type moment.

Do you have form for being a bit of a drama queen OP?

But yes, the SM is out of order IMO.

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