Prom Dress Shopping - Mum's Honour overstepped by Step Mum. AIBU??

[SADMA]

As I write this, I am devastated.

My daughter, my only child, is having her prom this summer. An experience I've looked forward to for a long time. Special days out we had planned for the Easter holidays, having researched and researched colours, styles, hair to match and looking forward to the magical day shopping with my girl, seeing her try on her first formal gowns, have the emotional rite of passage together.

Not now :-( Her step-Mum, who is a tyrant with her 99.9% of the time, has only gone and done it with her, in an appointment lasting little over an hour, buying a dress on sale from the 2019 sale collection which only fits the colour remit and taken what should have been our magical experience and memories made to last a lifetime. Step Mum has her own children to do this with when the time comes.

AIBU to feel she's overstepped the mark?

AIBU to believe it's Mum's honour to prepare her daughter for prom?

AIBU considering I had no issue that Step Mum wanted to book her tan and nails, and reserve the jewel of the crown for just me and my daughter to do together?

Can't help but feel so upset. That first moment can never happen once it's happened..... the first glimpse and to see her face trying dream dresses on. The one moment that can't be recreated let alone replicated now the dress has been bought.

If we go again to try dresses and she finds something she likes better ( chances are she probably would bearing in mind the dress bought doesn't fit) and buy it, world war will commence with my daughter in the middle of it. I always bend for the sake of peace, but this is something else..........The one time in 16 years I don't feel I can let it slide.

AIBU???????

[HaggisBurger]

@50DaysAF

Why on earth didn’t your daughter speak up?!

“Sorry SM, I’ve already arranged to go dress shopping with DM over Easter”.

Maybe the poor girl is between a rock and a hard place? “Tyrant” on one side and emotional wreck on the other 🤷🏻‍♀️

[MiniDaffodils]

You are really over thinking prom. My daughter had a look online and chose one dress. My criteria was it was less than £100. We ordered it. It arrived. Sorted.

[Hadjab]

You’re taking this far too seriously, but that’s by the by. Grow a backbone, take her shopping, get the dress she wants and tell Stepmother to butt out.

[frazzledali]

fucking hell you sound insane, no wonder she went with her stepmum

[3peassuit]

Give it back to SM so she can get a refund as it doesn’t fit. Buy a new dress. Ignore SM if she moans.

[AdaColeman]

I think you are over dramatising this a bit, when all is said and done it's just a frock!
Try not to pass all your disappointment on to your daughter. Building up hopes and expectations to great heights, especially for quite ordinary events like buying a dress, will invariably lead to disappointments and lack of fulfilment.

Put the stepmother's dress at the back of the wardrobe, it might come in handy for Halloween! Then go and have your day out shopping with your daughter. No need to involve SM at all.

Enjoy your day out with DD!

[Brideandprejudice]

This is one of the most over dramatic things I've ever read

[Lorw]

I didn’t read the ‘prom’ bit and thought it was her wedding dress and was about to say YANBU, but it’s only a prom dress, if she isn’t in love with it, just take her to buy another one? Nothings been spoilt. It doesn’t really matter if step mum or dad have an issue with that, after all your daughter has to wear it, honestly don’t worry about it OP ❤️

[SirVixofVixHall]

@ButtOutBobsMum

If I've read your OP correctly the dress isn't what your DD wanted but you and she feel she's got to accept it for fear of SM kicking off? If this is the case then regardless of you being robbed of a milestone moment in your DD's life, you MUST step in and ensure that your DD gets the dress of HER choice and not her SM's! However just be careful that your DD isn't acting disappointed about the dress just to spare your feelings.

Agree with this.
If your daughter feels she has to keep the peace when this should be an exciting thing for her, then that is very wrong. Does her step mother do this sort of thing generally ? It is a bit odd that she did it, i would be upset. Either Mum or best friend normally helps choose a frock going by my dds circle.

[ittakes2]

I don't get why she agreed to go?

[HelenWick]

I told my DD I didn't give a shit about prom but I did spend a LOT of time helping her with GCSE revision, college interviews, work experience etc. I also took her to London for a weekend when she finished her exams and went to see a show and a fancy meal out etc. The prom dress was bought for £25 from Ebay. She sold it last week for £45 so that was great.
Value other things. And all those dresses are terrible aren't they really?

[FlissyPaps]

It’s her prom, not yours or her stepmothers.

If your DD wants to shop for another dress, then ask her where she wants to go and who with.

I had my year 11 prom in 2010 and it was shit. Back then all the ‘big fat gypsy wedding’ dresses were in fashion and we all looked ridiculous. We all got searched for alcohol we were smuggling in. And it was boring. We all had more fun getting pissed on Smirnoff ice and WKD on the local field on our last day of school.

I can imagine today, proms are all for ‘Instagram’. Who’s got the nicest dress/who arrives in the nicest car. Such a waste of money for a few hours.

Please don’t dwell and get upset about it. Express your concerns and upset to your DD, but at the end of the day it’s her celebration and she should celebrate how she wants.

[Avocadobacardi]

I just have missed the memo because the thought of trying to find a prom dress, we haven’t even started looking, brings me out in a cold sweat. I’m hoping we can do some orders online and hope for the best.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I don’t think she’s in America. Reference to all 9s is the good old GCSE 😀
We met American people live here now

[Nightlystroll]

OMG. Jewel in the Crown? It's a dress for a school dance...and another way for businesses to fleece money off parents.
You're not unreasonable to be disappointed that some sort of idealised fantasy of trying on dresses won't be as you imagined, but you're way over the top with your reaction and you're going to end up making your daughter feel guilty about hurting you and wearing a dress that she probably really likes.

[KittensTeaAndCake]

What's the betting OP's DD has said she isn't happy with the dress to placate her mum?

[Christinatherabbit]

I Dont understand the responses really. Just because some women
and their daughters didn't care much about it doesn't mean everyone else has to feel the same. I am lucky enough to have 4 daughters and just did the prom dress shopping day for the first time with my eldest. It was a lovely experience and one I will remember. I can totally understand why you are upset. I would send a polite txt or message to SM saying it was a really kind thing to do but something you had planned for a very long time and were looking forward to so could the dress be returned or saved for another occasion. If this will be too awkward for your daughter maybe have a day out picking the shoes/accessories etc with a nice lunch or something.

[toomuchlaundry]

If she is going onto Sixth Form there will be another prom

[Polyanthus2]

@BobHadBitchTits

Does step mum need to know if you buy her a new dress she wears instead?

Send her dad a photo of her wearing the original dress, then change into the new one.

No one needs to know.

You get the moral high ground and the memories. No one falls out.

Do this

[PerkyBlinder]

The biggest thing is how does your daughter feel about it?

My eldest was incredibly invested in the whole prom dress thing when I hadn't realised it was even 'a thing' in the UK. She was the driver in getting me to book an appointment at the dress shops and choosing the dress etc. We went to a few different shops and originally I was going to just hire a dress but we ended up buying one and she loved the whole experience of being treated like a princess by the staff and it was a lovely day. We went back for fittings as it was adjusted to measure and then finally collected the dress just before prom.

My youngest is far less into clothes in general and usually goes around in baggy gender neutral clothes but even she wanted to do the whole prom dress thing and spent months before making Pinterest boards looking for just the right dress and how she wanted her hair and makeup. My eldest was home and did her hair for her and she did her own makeup. Most of her friends just got something online and we did look but she wanted to go try on dresses too and we had a lovely time just hanging out, trying on crazy dresses and stopping for coffees.

Both of them were very picky about their dresses and would have been disappointed to not be able to have that one day of dressing up and feeling like something out of a film. It's not the most important thing ever but it was lovely and I'm glad they got to do it as it was a bit of escapist enjoyment in celebration of the end of school and the transition from childhood to late teens/adulthood.

If your daughter also feels disappointed in this dress and wants to go and try on dresses then why not go with her and let her. She can always return the other and surely it's important to stand up for her and what she wants if it's important to her. YANBU for being disappointed but just be careful that she's as invested as you are - personally I'd have just gone along with whatever they wanted - their prom, their choice.

[Polyanthus2]

"I was just discussing with DS how amazing they all looked (they and their mates) on their prom nights - DD looked stunning , boys in their kilts looked fab.

That was 20 years ago

I can't believe all the snipey miserableness on this thread.

[ForeverSingle881]

So she doesn't like her dress? So why not go shopping for another one?

[RampantIvy]

While I agree that the OP is being a little over dramatic, I think some of the replies here are rather harsh.

I suspect that some posters are being disingenuous about the very idea of a prom, or they don't have teenaged daughters. Leaver's proms have been around in secondary schools the UK for several years now, and are a "thing" for year 11s and year 13s, and girls really do plan and talk about their upcoming prom for months ahead.

[whumpthereitis]

Fucking hell, I would not have enjoyed this level of intensity from a parent as a teenager.

I wonder if your daughter’s apparent dislike of the dress is to appease your feelings, as I don’t suppose you approached this particularly calmly with her.

I just hope the daughter got her choice, independent of any maternal, biological or step, pressure.

[DaffTheDoggo]

You’re being a bit dramatic but I’m not surprised you’re upset. In your shoes I’d talk to DD and see how she feels. If she’s disappointed with the dress, go and have your day out and get her a different one. Tell SM that she tried the first one on again and it really didn’t fit, unfortunately. She may be able to return it. Otherwise eBay.

Take back control, op